To miss my parents in the presence of my in-laws

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 14/05/2025 22:48

That's hard OP and it would be bizarre if it didnt impact you.

How was your aunt / uncle? Were they kind / loving to any degree?

Did you ever speak to anyone about this professionally?
What's your relationship with your siblings like now?

Also, perhaps cold comfort, but your child is biologically programmed to love you pretty much unconditionally 💗

ChocoChocoLatte · 14/05/2025 22:50

Oh op, am so sorry for your loss. If it helps, I take comfort in the unconditional love of my kids. My parents would have been so proud of them - meanwhile my in-laws have visited a handful of times their entire lives……… it took me a while to release that fury and accept it as their loss.

look for your parents in your kids, you’ll see them there.

CheFaro · 14/05/2025 22:51

I’m not surprised you’re carrying a lot of trauma — that’s very young to lose your parents (and siblings). Have you had therapy? I think it can be very easy to idealise parental love when you lost it so long ago. My parents’ love has a lot of conditions, and, though I do love them, they were remarkably poor parents.

TheHonestGreenUser · 14/05/2025 22:54

I feel the same and I lost min e at 29 and 33! It breaks my heart that I have no mum to tell me where I am going wrong or right, or call to tell about the children's antics. And more then anything im.heartbroken my kids don't have any grandparents that would dote on them

RainbowSlimeLab · 14/05/2025 22:54

I understand. My dad died when I was 6 and although my mum is still alive the family was destroyed by his death. My sibling blamed my mother (unfounded, he’d had cancer) and my mother spent the next 35 years plus (until dementia hit) trying to make it up to her. Apparently I was too young to be affected (in her opinion) and she never accepted I could be grieving.

Before I had my dd I was totally alone. Now I’m not, but I’m aware I can’t lay it all on her.

Original poster

Bonster37 · 14/05/2025 23:11

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 14/05/2025 22:48

That's hard OP and it would be bizarre if it didnt impact you.

How was your aunt / uncle? Were they kind / loving to any degree?

Did you ever speak to anyone about this professionally?
What's your relationship with your siblings like now?

Also, perhaps cold comfort, but your child is biologically programmed to love you pretty much unconditionally 💗

Edited

They did care for me but more so as a sister for their child. I’m beginning to think maybe I do need therapy as I miss the feeling of being loved unconditionally, without having to “earn” it. God I miss that..

OP posts:

TheBlueUniform · 14/05/2025 23:18

Aww OP I was older than you when you lost your parents, I was 21 when my mam died and my dad was useless so I had my mam longer than you but I completely understand what you mean about having no one that loves you unconditionally in the way your parents are supposed to.

My dads alive but fucking selfish and I look at most people with loving parents as I hope they realise how lucky they are because not everyone has that level of love and support. The younger you are when you lose them the worse it is I think because it means a longer time without that love etc. My ex in law lost her mum when she was 66 (her mum was 89) and I think how lucky she was to have her mum all of those years.

Sending you love OP. At least you’re DC has wonderful GP to adore them on one side

Ponderingwindow · 14/05/2025 23:19

I was going to say it gets easier, but that is when you lose you parents when you are an adult. I don’t know how it feels if you lost your parents as a child.

After losing my mother, sitting with my in-laws was tough at first. I love my in-laws. If I had to pick parents, I would happily choose them to be mine. I feel a bit guilty enjoying their company. I also know it’s not the same as being with my mother. We will never be that close or share personalities quite so well. I can get a bit melancholy about them getting to experience my DD’s milestones, knowing my mother is missing them. I can’t change that though, so with time I have come to really just try to appreciate what I do have in my life and let go of the guilt.

it’s basically a giant jumble of emotions wrapped up in a family meal.

somersetsinger · 15/05/2025 00:05

I am sorry for your loss. My parents also died when I was a child.

I thought that the pain of seeing other families would go away once I was an adult. I thought that once I turned 18 everyone would be in the same boat. We would all have to be independent and I wouldn't be so different any more. (In retrospect, that was impressively naïve. Perhaps it helped me to survive the early grief.)

I do regularly notice my lack of unconditional love and absence of family. It just carries on through all life's milestones. Spending time with other families can highlight it. I don't feel resentment though. I think everyone who has love is lucky to be loved.

Having children has brought unconditional love back into my life. It is so fierce and strong. It feels pretty good to embrace it.

The grief is still there. But I don't feel it all the time.

Gymnopedie · 15/05/2025 02:10

OP I'm sad that you say you have only your child to give you unconditional love. What about your husband? What are his conditions for loving you?

OK there are limits to unconditionality, but they have to be very serious.

Unconditional hugs from a stranger on the internet.

FrodoBiggins · 15/05/2025 02:18

Bonster37 · 14/05/2025 22:46

I lost my parents at the age of 7 and 10 respectively. I was separated from my siblings and raised with different aunts (big Irish family). I am currently on holidays with my in laws as well as my husband and child. I’m just wondering when the pain of losing my parents will actually get easier. We were having a card game with lots of fun when it hit me hard the lack of unconditional love I have in my life. Nobody loves me unconditionally except my child or am I looking at this in a skewed way? Sometimes I feel really alone and wonder if this is because I lost my parents.

Bless you. I find it really bittersweet spending time with my (lovely) father in law since I lost my dad, and that's just one parent, plus I was an adult. I don't know what the answer is but I don't think it's unusual to feel that way at all after the horrible hand life dealt you so early on. Wishing you the best x

TheSandgroper · 15/05/2025 09:22

Over on the relationship board at the moment is a thread about growing up without your mother as a presence in your life. Most of the people there had mothers who were addicts etc though a few have mothers who died too young. Perhaps you might want to have a look there for something that will resonate?

I’m very sad you lost your family so young.

Barnbrack · 15/05/2025 09:26

I lost my mum at 30 and I still miss that feeling of someone whose in your corner no matter what. Who always has a view of 'sure it'll be ok' and my mum wasn't perfect but she was a brilliant mum. I struggle with my in laws by the sheer fact they are here, they get to grandparent my kids and my mum never got to meet them. Every new stage of my life feels emptier. I'm so sorry you lost your parents so young and your guardians didn't make you feel loved unconditionally. I'm from a big Irish family too.

Washingblowingontheline · 15/05/2025 09:32

I lost my mum as a young teenager. I used to think I was well adjusted and dealt with it until I got married. DH’s family is VERY matriarchal.

Couple that with a decade of infertility and I am a shell of my former self. How you feel is completely understandable.

eyeswide21 · 15/05/2025 09:40

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a tragic and traumatic set of circumstances and like pp definitely think that some kind of therapy would be useful.
I lost my mum at 21 and my dad at 29, so wildly different but still feel I lost them young - grieving for not having my mum around has never gone away and has gotten harder since having my first child 2 years ago.
I struggle with my MIL as she is so different to what my mum would have been like, I'd like nothing more than to get on with my MIL and treat her like a second mum but unfortunately that's not the kind of person she is. I once read that you have to almost grieve again for the relationship you don't have with in laws. It's very tough.
Do you have a supportive partner / husband? I find great comfort in my husband and try to see how fortunate I am to have that relationship

TammyJones · 15/05/2025 09:48

Bonster37 · 14/05/2025 23:11

They did care for me but more so as a sister for their child. I’m beginning to think maybe I do need therapy as I miss the feeling of being loved unconditionally, without having to “earn” it. God I miss that..

Show quote history

The thing is op you can give unconditional love to yourself - and really the way You , feel about yourself is the only bit that matters.
Children grow up and then can be quite select in their attitude
I found going forward to forge strong relationships with people who support me - husband , best friend, trusted work colleagues
I was a teen when I lost my dm -

GelatinousDynamo · 15/05/2025 09:53

I'm so sorry OP. The truth is, you never get over losing a parent, you just learn to live with the grief. Therapy helps.

Original poster

Bonster37 · 16/05/2025 00:16

ChocoChocoLatte · 14/05/2025 22:50

Oh op, am so sorry for your loss. If it helps, I take comfort in the unconditional love of my kids. My parents would have been so proud of them - meanwhile my in-laws have visited a handful of times their entire lives……… it took me a while to release that fury and accept it as their loss.

look for your parents in your kids, you’ll see them there.

Thank you for your kind words. I would like to say that i considered that to be the ‘hardship’ I experienced in life but no. I also had to go through 4 rounds of IVF to get my daughter who was then diagnosed autistic. 4 more rounds of IVFs to unfortunately not get a positive outcome. I’m a strong person mentally but sometimes I think what the fuck.,

OP posts:

ChocoChocoLatte · 16/05/2025 09:03

@bonster37I completely understand. 3 miscarriages and stage 4 cancer at 42 yrs old there are some days I just sit going WTF WTF WTF & long for my mum or dad to soothe me.

There’s nothing like feeling unanchored in a world where you have to spend the majority of your time looking after everyone else’s feelings.

You sound strong but exhausted, much love you to from me in a very unMN fashion

Original poster

Bonster37 · 16/05/2025 10:24

ChocoChocoLatte · 16/05/2025 09:03

@bonster37I completely understand. 3 miscarriages and stage 4 cancer at 42 yrs old there are some days I just sit going WTF WTF WTF & long for my mum or dad to soothe me.

There’s nothing like feeling unanchored in a world where you have to spend the majority of your time looking after everyone else’s feelings.

You sound strong but exhausted, much love you to from me in a very unMN fashion

Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear you are going through cancer. I hope I don’t sound cliched but I really believe that your parents are there watching and just being there for you. Someday we will all meet again. In the meantime we are here for you 💐

OP posts: