Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to worry & be annoyed about my CM 'spoiling' my kids.....

17 replies

pippylongstockings · 19/05/2008 20:12

My CM is basically a good lady but recently I & DH have been concerned that her 'relaxed' parenting style for her child is having an effect on our 2 - esp our 3yo.

She hasn't been a CM very long - having previously been a mid-wife and then worked in a nursery after having her son. She has no other mindees & just looks after our kids 3 days a week.
For a while I've been a bit peeved as she takes the kids on day trips all the time - they rotate between 2 local tourist attractions & the beach - very rarely having a day at home, which means mostly I get 2 very tired grumpy kids in the evening as they have just had naps in the car etc. I have kind of put it down to a bit of jealousy on my part as my days with the kids are spent, doing housework, shopping and walking the dog. For example recently we planned our DS2 first trip to the zoo but she went 2 days earlier - pah!

She has a very lively 6 year old - who is very boisterous in his play. He is also pretty spoiled having got a gameboy for his 6th b.day, computer, the have 2 tv's downstairs etc etc. Basically it seems they never say no.

My kids came home on Friday with their packed lunch not eaten as she bought them sweets in the supermarket - she often buys them ice-creams or cooks them a sausage sandwich as that's what her son is having.

We are struggling with our 3 yo at the mo and I am concerened that he is being set a bad example as it's not how I would do things.

How much can I tell/ask her to do or not do ?
Is it too much to ask her to stay at home more so they get more sleep?
Not to feed them the treats she's giving to her son ?
To tell her son off for being rough in his play?
help.................

OP posts:

nametaken · 19/05/2008 20:20

Did you not discuss all this with her beforehand?

ihateironing · 19/05/2008 20:23

i had to reply as this sounds like me (im a childminder) but im not a midwife or have a 6 year old.

I like to take my mindees places, staying in the house is no fun,especially if its sunny and a beach is near,but i wouldnt take them to a zoo (too costly)without your permission.

As a childminder she should be promoting healthy food choices yes my kids eat chicken nuggets etc but they also eat lots of fruit,raisens etc and certainly never get any fizzy juice.so i would say definately talk to her about it.

Her son being boisterous---- well what can i say,my 4 year old is very boisterous but he is always told to play nice my mindees r girls,

As for the sleep issue, part of me thinks it would be great to have tired kids but the fact they cant last in the car till you get home is bad.

Your childminder should have a complaints policy which should say talk to me if you cant write to me if not appropriate contact ofsted etc

speak to her she is probably thinking she is doing good doing these things.

good luck

2point4kids · 19/05/2008 20:29

Have you spoken to her about it?
I'd bet my life she thinks she is doing a fantastic job by taking the kids on fun days out/cooking for them etc.
It sounds like the sort of thing I would do as a cm to be honest (i'm not a cm, but if i were iyswim). I'd hate for the parents to think we were sitting around the house all day so i'd make sure we went out and did fun things.
As a parent I'd quite like to have her as my cm actually!
If you have different ideas on how you want your kids looked after then you need to tell her asap.

luckylady74 · 19/05/2008 20:32

You can and should dictate what they eat.

You must expect children to be tired out by childcare - you can suggest they need a quiet time perhaps? My ds1 used to fall asleep at preschool in the afternoon.

You can say you're very worried about the change in their behaviour at home, but tbh if the minder's child is behaving badly and she's not managing him then it might be time to look for a different minder.I would say you're instigating a new rule system - 2 warnings then he's removed from the situation or what ever and see what she says.

I would be thrilled if mine were out all day - much better than swapping germs with each other at playgroup!

Original poster

pippylongstockings · 19/05/2008 20:36

I know staying in the house is no fun and I know it's a little jealousy on my part - our days are boring by comparision - supermarket run and bulk cooking or a day at a theme park........ I know what I'd want to do.

The main concern is how her son plays/behaves and how they deal with it. My DH has witnessed her DS deliberlaty tripping my DS1 up then stepping on his legs or pushing our DS2 off the sofa - all to no comment. We will not tolerate any hitting/kicking etc at home and would expect her to do the same.

Again with the food I'm not opposed to an occasional treat but an ice-cream every trip to the beach. I have tried to broach it with her as healthy choices but she feels my kids aren't fat so why worry ?!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 19/05/2008 20:39

I'm not sure she's the right childminder for you at all...she sounds much less structured than you would like. Your kids are still tiny and from your post it sounds like you want their days to be more home based and with regular sleep/eating...which IMO is not an unreasonable thing to want, lots of people parent that way.

She sounds far more of an out all the time, kids will snatch sleep/eats as and when....which again, is ok if that's your and your kids style, and it IS giving them some enriching experiences and lovely memories for the future, and FUN...

Perhaps there is just too wide a difference - will she ever be able to provide what you want? Would another CM be better?

lillypie · 19/05/2008 20:41

You are obviously not happy so just find someone else.

HonoriaGlossop · 19/05/2008 20:41

oh and the 'rough' play by her ds may well be viewed by her as simply rough and tumble, which many boys ADORE; what you describe with the tripping/pushing etc may seem to her as boy's play. My ds for instance would LOVE that sort of play...so she may not see at all why you think she would intervene, if no-one's crying! Different styles again, I think...

windygalestoday · 19/05/2008 20:44

i think she sounds a diamond and im sure therell be many families waiting to fill your places if you decide its not for you.

Vivace · 19/05/2008 20:51

It all sounds lovely bar the tripping and hitting. That's what would worry me. All children in my experience are tired in the late afternoon. I also think an ice cream every time she goes to the beach is great. Maybe you can sit down with her and talk. Maybe suggest they can have an ice cream only after eating (or at least attempting) their lunch - same goes for any sweets?
By the way, I don't think giving a 6 year old a gameboy for his birthday is spoiling him. Oh, and three year olds are challenging! They are made that way.

2point4kids · 19/05/2008 20:55

Where do you live? I'll have your spaces if you change cm's. My Ds's would love her

WallOfSilence · 19/05/2008 21:09

She isn't doing anything wrong but it sounds like she doesn't fulfill what you want or need her to.

My c/minder takes the kids out & I love it. She takes them to a local park, buys them ice-cream, lets them play on the swings etc...

I think if she is good with the kids & good to the kids that's the main thing, but I unerstand if it's not the type of care you want then you need to look elsewhere & let someone who will value her have the spaces

You also need to be wary of being jealous of the c/minder.... it may mean that you would be envious of whoever looks after your children as they get the good times...

I'm a working mum, I know what you're going through, but I would rather have happy exhausted kids that have been playing all day, than children who have been sitting on front of TV all day bored stiff!!

Original poster

pippylongstockings · 19/05/2008 21:13

Maybe I am being naive in what 6 year olds do/have and what to expect............. she is a lovely lady and certainly the best by far that I have visited in my area.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 19/05/2008 21:19

She sounds lovely BUT only if you want a relaxed informal type of childcare. This lady may not be the right childminder for you.

I would address the food issue.

I would just check with her amount her Ds playing rough with your little one.

But the days out and doing lots of stuff sounds great.

To me it sounds like she is treating them "as her own" in many wayys which for some parents would be perfect.

I don't think her child is spoilt just because he has a Gameboy, access to a computer and a couple of TVs in the house. 6y DD has similar (DS, own computer, nnot own Tv though and more) but she is not a spoilt child, just an only child so more money to go round.

Is the 6y DS really that lively? Or is it likely that you may not realise what a 6y boy is like, and he is really just showing normal behaviours?

Vivace · 19/05/2008 21:21

It's very much the sort of thing I would buy for a six year old myself. Why not? They aren't even expensive. The only thing that would really bother me would be sweets just before lunch (was it a hungry emergency though?)and any hitting or hurting by the older boy. But be aware that when you only have very little children, bigger ones can see huge and threatening, yet when you have a six year old, they seem tiny and vulnerable!

Heated · 19/05/2008 21:22

She sounds fab for older mindees but when the dcs are small routine is important. It certainly wouldn't suit me.

Explain that they are getting overtired with all day outings. Ask her to limit them to before lunch so they get some down time/quality sleep in the day.

Also say that you do not want them to have sugary treats/processed food. This tbh would be a real sticking point with me since diet affects my dcs' health.

Her not listening to your earlier comments on this, plus the rough-housing of her older boy, might indicate you need someone else who is more structured.

Why not speak to her once more to try and get your message across and see what happens?

You do ultimately need to be perfectly confident with your childcare.

WallOfSilence · 19/05/2008 21:28

Did your dh say anything when he saw her ds pushing yours off the sofa?

At my last c/minder I saw her dd pull my dd's hair... I said "XX, why are you pulling Xs hair? If you want her attention it would be nicer to tap her on the shoulder". This way I alerted the c/minder to the fact her dd was pulling hair, I let the child know I could see her & I let dd know that I knew what was going on too. The c/minder was mortified!

The c/minder I have at the minute has no children of her own, but is absolutely fantastic with my two & the others she minds. However, I do find that if you have a problem you need to address is before it becomes a bigger festering problem!!

Flip