What your take ?

OhFortheLoveOv · 2025-05-14T11:57:00+00:00

I’m interested in people’s take this situation? I earn a lot more than my other half so we share household costs and bills proportionately on our incomes to make it fair. This year we have a trip coming up which is more of a compulsory commitment rather than a holiday, but we shared the cost proportionality as per our normal arrangement. Factoring in that neither of us consider it a real holiday for us I have been planning to booking a proper holiday for us later in the year. As my other half has already paid towards the compulsory trip we have to do, I am happy to pay for cost of any other holiday we have. However, when I indicated that I was going to booking us something. He has advised he doesn’t even want to consider it at all as he doesn’t have the money and will have to find money he doesn’t have. When I reiterated I am paying for everything he still would not have any of it and accusing me of living outside our means. As I can afford it I don’t really think it is outside of our means. I really need one restful holiday per year but it will be end of days if me and our daughter went without him. Not sure where to go from here?

2dogsandabudgie · 14/05/2025 13:01

If you live together and have a daughter can you not have a joint account and just put all monies earned in there and then have a joint savings account as well.

It sounds like your husband is embarrassed that you earn more. How would he feel if it was the other way round round?

Original poster

OhFortheLoveOv · 14/05/2025 13:40

We do have a joint account for household stuff, but holidays wise usually one of us book it and the other pays share towards.
We each have our own separate savings.

When it comes to bills and holidays etc I’m of the opinion that you contribute what you can afford and that’s all good no matter what amount it is no embarrassment it’s just the way it is. Good point me earning more could be an issue for him, although years gone by he has never shown it to be the case

OP posts:

Nottsandcrosses · 14/05/2025 13:45

Im the main earner, however id never see my husband disadvantaged.

So we put all the earnings together, pay all the bills and split whats left over ( i dont like joint accounts apart from bills) so for example

Earnings £3000
Bills £1000
Left over £2000

So £1000 to me and £1000 to him.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 14/05/2025 13:46

but it will be end of days if me and our daughter went without him.

What does this mean?

Youcalyptus · 14/05/2025 13:48

I understand what you mean OP.

The actual issue is that he has a different approach to money than you do, you see it as ok to spend a bit more if you have it, and he is more worried about going over budget. I think you need to have a conversation about what money means to both of you and why he thinks you can't (jointly) afford this.

GoYonSanNiIchi · 14/05/2025 13:50

Youcalyptus · 14/05/2025 13:48

I understand what you mean OP.

The actual issue is that he has a different approach to money than you do, you see it as ok to spend a bit more if you have it, and he is more worried about going over budget. I think you need to have a conversation about what money means to both of you and why he thinks you can't (jointly) afford this.

This sounds sensible, and a good basis to turn it into a negotiation about where your family can afford to go on your proper vacation

MauraLabingi · 14/05/2025 13:59

Me and DH are married now and everything is in one pot. But before we were married he once wanted to go to a really fancy restaurant which I couldn't really afford. He offered to pay but I didn't want to go if he was paying. This may be unreasonable of me, but I do understand your partner's feelings on this entirely. The fact that you have a daughter together worsens the situation I think.

If you are married, I'd put everything in one pot and take equal fun money every month, and agree any bigger expenses.

If you are not married, I'd stick with your approach to bills, but also apply it to fun money. So wgen you get paid, you do the bills first proportional to income. Then decide how much you and your partner want to spend on fun stuff monthly and do a split of that proportionately too. Then decide on what savings you are going to have together for holidays, home improvements and so on. Have a pot for that too and contribute proportionately. Then whatever is left from your monthly salary goes into your personal savings since you are not married. It's complicated but that's not being married for you! It makes your daily living equal while allowing you both to save money in case the relationship breaks up (which is the point of not sharing finances if unmarried).

saltinesandcoffeecups · 14/05/2025 14:10

hmm… could this be miscommunication?

You said that you’d pay for everything but did you get specific? I know it sounds stupid but are you paying for “everything “ including food, activities, etc.?

I ask because in my early adulthood my mum had form for offering to pay for great trips and she absolutely did pay for air and hotel but as I was an adult (and rightly so) I was on my own for spending money and at least a couple of meals for us including my sister.

I honestly didn’t have the money. It finally became way more stressful for me to go on these trips than it was to decline.

‘On the other hand I don’t think that if he declines the trip he gets to veto you going, but I understand there are a lot of dynamics behind that.

I think you need to discuss with him more and find out what’s going on.

Original poster

OhFortheLoveOv · 14/05/2025 14:24

I think that you’ve hit on something here I’ve never really thought about it much but we do have different viewpoints on this..
I’m more a pay the bills, put money in savings, what’s left can go on doing things like holidays and days out etc.
He is more pay your bills and spend on things like gadgets gizmos etc. He doesn’t really save himself, so when a holiday is planned to him it could be an unnecessary spend. However in my book experiences and holidays are far better memories than a pile of stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhFortheLoveOv · 14/05/2025 14:42

saltinesandcoffeecups · 14/05/2025 14:10

hmm… could this be miscommunication?

You said that you’d pay for everything but did you get specific? I know it sounds stupid but are you paying for “everything “ including food, activities, etc.?

I ask because in my early adulthood my mum had form for offering to pay for great trips and she absolutely did pay for air and hotel but as I was an adult (and rightly so) I was on my own for spending money and at least a couple of meals for us including my sister.

I honestly didn’t have the money. It finally became way more stressful for me to go on these trips than it was to decline.

‘On the other hand I don’t think that if he declines the trip he gets to veto you going, but I understand there are a lot of dynamics behind that.

I think you need to discuss with him more and find out what’s going on.

I would pay for all the stuff not just the travel and accommodation I just take it as a given that everything means everything, I wouldn’t dream of asking him to contribute for something he could not afford as that would be so stressful. May need to reiterate this to him.

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Original poster

OhFortheLoveOv · 14/05/2025 14:57

MauraLabingi · 14/05/2025 13:59

Me and DH are married now and everything is in one pot. But before we were married he once wanted to go to a really fancy restaurant which I couldn't really afford. He offered to pay but I didn't want to go if he was paying. This may be unreasonable of me, but I do understand your partner's feelings on this entirely. The fact that you have a daughter together worsens the situation I think.

If you are married, I'd put everything in one pot and take equal fun money every month, and agree any bigger expenses.

If you are not married, I'd stick with your approach to bills, but also apply it to fun money. So wgen you get paid, you do the bills first proportional to income. Then decide how much you and your partner want to spend on fun stuff monthly and do a split of that proportionately too. Then decide on what savings you are going to have together for holidays, home improvements and so on. Have a pot for that too and contribute proportionately. Then whatever is left from your monthly salary goes into your personal savings since you are not married. It's complicated but that's not being married for you! It makes your daily living equal while allowing you both to save money in case the relationship breaks up (which is the point of not sharing finances if unmarried).

Edited

Having been married for many years, and then going through a very costly and complicated divorce. I’m not likely ever to marry again even if I don’t think there is much of chance we will break up. You just never know. Setting up more joint pots may be the answer, however will need to look at how he views this as his thinking is pay his share of bills and spend rest on stuff he wants, not on savings or holidays. Definitely worth discussion with him as I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

MauraLabingi · 14/05/2025 15:41

Yes I think discussing overall priorities is the way forward. You need to agree what percentages of 'spare money' will go on joint short-term spends/personal hobbies/joint long-term spends like holidays. Once you've decided on how much money is in which pot and who pays what into it, it's viewed as joint money and in theory this should make him feel easier in spending it on its purpose.
Compromise definitely needed! Good luck!