9 year old hurting himself.

[Heartbeats18]

I don't know where to start other than say my 9 year old son has harmed himself and threatened to hurt himself with scissors. The first time was at home, he cut his finger with a pair of scissors and gave himself a small paper cut type wound. We have managed to deal with this behaviour at home but he recently threatened to stab himself in the stomach with scissors whilst at school, he took the scissors and made an attempt. He then punched himself in the face and attempted to strangle himself in the school toilet. This happened on a friday afternoon, and the senco teacher rang twice but i missed the call , I rang back and the receptionist said she had left early so to ring back Monday. My son then went to an external afterschool club where he told a member of staff what had happened, that staff member told me when I picked him up at 6pm. I was heartbroken I wasn't there for him when he was feeling this way. We got through the weekend but I didn't send him to school Monday and rang CAMHS who saw him, he opened up and said he wanted to end his life but he said these feelings usually happen when he his frustrated and angry. He said its mainly school that makes him feel angry, he said he isn't able to finish his work as the teacher takes it off him and then he has to stay in at breaktimes to finish it. He said he finds the classroom distracting and noisy, he did have his own table which meant he got distracted less but this got took off him and he isn't allowed sensory breaks anymore or his fidget ( we think he does well for a week having the breaks etc but then when the teacher sees tht he is doing well, then it gets took off him again because the teacher then feels he doesn't need the breaks or fidget toys)
He has recently been diagnosed as ASD ( I know the term isn't used anymore but it would be more aspergers or high functioning ASD if i had to describe it) he's very clever and is in the top groups, he says he can do the work but sometimes says he is struggling and when he asks for help he doesn't get it and them when he gets something wrong he really struggles with that.

I guess I'm asking what should I be asking for to best support him at school, me and dad feel so lost. It feel like they aren't taking his needs seriously. It was so upsetting to hear him say he doesn't want to live, he wants to be off this earth. He said he hates school, he hate all the rules. He said he wants to destroy school. He hates how he is spoken to at school. These behaviours are the worst in a long list of behaviours that we have normally been able to manage at home.

Has anyone been through something similar? We are totally lost and i feel like we are failing him, we worry he will really hurt himself or worse. He seems to understand what death means but he doesn't seem bothered.

I rang the crisis line again. They were not helpful. They said he had been discharged yesterday with a refferal for early help team, listening therapy and that was is it. They encouraged me to get school to do the ehcp. They said if he gets worse to go to A&E. I asked had he been referred to our local camhs team and they said no. They said he was discharged from the crisis team yesteday and I said I really don't know what to do anymore. They then rang back and said they would refer him to the local camhs team and the local team will ring me tomorrow.

School aren't helping and when I arrived I asked what happened and one of the sendcos said she didn't know exactly as she had only just came in but she thinks 'now its all out in the open and he is able to talk about it then that's why he's doing it because basically he can' I said I disagree and walked away to speak to another member of staff who was dealing with the incident.

Sorry for the rant, you all have honestly made this whole situation a little easier to deal with so thank you x

Well done for saying you didn't agree and walking away. One of the most confusing and infuriating things about having a SEN child is that many of the professionals employed to support them don't get it and even make things worse!
These are charities for children experiencing suicidal thoughts

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

https://theolliefoundation.org/

And I really recommend joining the Not Fine In School private parent FB support group
www.facebook.com/NotFineInSchoolPublicPage/?locale=en_GB

'now its all out in the open and he is able to talk about it then that's why he's doing it because basically he can'

🤬

You were very restrained, I’d have lamped her tbh.

No advice, but poor kid and poor you.

It’s heartbreaking to see your children suffering with MH issues. Thinking of you both xx

So camhs recommended just play therapy for a kid in this state ? Did they not discuss medication?

personally id go to a private psychiatrist for meds, poor kid he needs medical intervention

UPDATE. We saw out local camhs team ( not the crisis team) and omg, the professional we saw, her name was Kelly. She was brilliant. She said these self harm behaviours are a result of his unmet needs at school. He's becoming angry and upset (more so at school) eading to self harm behaviour because his needs are not being met. She recommended a sensory assessment, OT assessment for dyspraxia, and hypermobility. She said she wanted school to initiate the EHCP process as a matter of urgency. She said these behaviour are only going to get worse if he continues to be overlooked. She said the fact he is a high achiever means that the school are happy because they are ticking boxes which allows them to be seen as high achieving school or something along those lines. She said he is being told he is naughty by teachers because they see him as clever so they expect that he should be able to manage his emotions and generally behave in a way that other neurotypical kids do. She said this behaviour will get worse and steps need to be put in place. She really advocated for him and we went in expecting to be fobbed off but she engaged with him, listening and really understood what he was telling her. He was diagnosed as ASD ( we haven't had the report yet) so she said she will also chase that up. I feel like there is hope!

Oh @Heartbeats18, my heart goes out to you.

My situation is different and I'm in another country so I can't give advice but I can tell you that I've been there. My DS became paralyzed at the age of 5 in a car accident. Age 9 was a particularly bad year for him.

I completely get the heartbreak of hearing your 9 year old say he doesn't want to live anymore. I always felt the word 'heartbreak' doesn't even come close to how it actually feels. We got through that year but I was waiting for puberty and tried to be prepared for more depression and last year, age 12, again was horrific.

He now takes an anti-depressant and we've found a brilliant psychologist that clicked with him. I do anticipate more bad years, but for now we are okay again.

So, no real help or advice... just... I know. You just keep plugging away at getting him help and know that I am thinking of you

The school should be differentiating for him and giving him work that he is able to complete within the allocated time.
Sounds like they are setting him up to fail by giving him more than he can manage and then denying him playtime. That is just cruel. Children have a right to play. You need to be speaking to the SENCO and asking her to ensure that the class teacher is differentiating the work appropriately.

Just read your update, well done, sounds like things are moving in a positive direction and his needs are being recognised.

The sendco isn't great and her response when I asked could he have an extra five minutes to complete his work was ' the problem with him is he gets distracted so when everyone else has finished, he then gets upset when he can't finish his work' ( he is on the adhd pathway) she also said she thinks his behaviours are because ' now it all out in the open, he's doing these self harm behaviours because he can' she was also the one when he threatened to stab himself whilst holding a pair of scissor and when he took himself to the toilet to strangle himself and punch himself , she rang me twice. I rang back and was told by a receptionist she had gone home and to ring Monday ( it was friday) so she didn't make any effort to ring my work number or dad or dad's work number. She sent him to after school club upset and heightened, she didn't tell the staff at after school club ( its an external after school club) what had happened either so my son was left feeling this way and no one cared or listen to him to ask why he felt this way :( she also doesn't let him have fidgets because they are noisy and they give him sensory breaks but take them off him when he appears to be coping better. He is an amazing, kind, polite little boy but because he is academically bright, he just gets overlooked.

She sounds terrible. Of all the teachers, she is meant to be the one advocating for your son. I hope things improve for your little boy.

Start researching secondary schools and choose one with an inclusive ethos. It might not be the one with the best results or the best ofsted report, but sometimes that’s a sign that they value the children’s wellbeing over rests and box-ticking, which is a plus in my book.