10 year old wants to make contact with absent dad

[MidoriNoRingo]

Not really sure where to start. My ex hang had any contact with our daughter since she was 9 months old and she’s now nearly 11.
He was abusive and when I offered him supervised contact only he said he would rather never see her again. It was only ever about co trolling me.
Ive spoken to him once in the last 10 years, where he didn’t even ask me about her, only about the deposit money from a house we rented together when I eventually moved out.
My daughter had told me today that she’s curious about him and wants to contact him. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want him in our lives and would be happier if she was a bit older before making this decision but I also want to respect her decision. Had anyone else been in this position before or have any advice for me? The thought of having to see him again makes me feel sick.

I would allow her to reach out but only supervised , can you trust he won’t abuse her like he did you?

Might be worth a session with a counselor (can she see one at school) to help her understand the situation and to let her talk about how she feels about him. At 10 she’s probably old enough to hear a bare bones version of the truth if she hasn’t already - he wasn’t very nice to mum so you (advised my court? Social worker? Police?) said he could see you but only in a contact centre or with x person present to start with and he didn’t want that so he decided he would rather not see you.
Maybe she could write him a letter? He may or may not respond to it which she would need to be prepared for.

I’ve told her a version of what happened between us. He found us a few years ago and popped a card through the door for her birthday, but didn’t knock at all to se her. His solicitor told him that sending cards counts as contact… I think he just wanted me to know he knew where we had moved to.

I’ll go against the grain a bit here and not allow her. She can wait until she’s older. There’s so much at risk and you’re the parent whose primary job is to protect her.

Feel for you, OP.

This is 100% decision as her mother and not one she gets to make until she is much older - an adult, I would posit. I would not allow it.

IF he didnt hurt her in anyway then i would allow contact
No matter what you think of him it is what she wants and he is her father
For the people saying wait till she’s older, what if he dies, and she never gets the chance to talk to him, she could blame you forever

I think let them talk on the phone for now and see what she thinks of him and see if he can prove himself of having a call when its planned, not letting her down etc
If she wants to meet him later on after a good fair while, then i would only allow face to face with another trusted adult there, not you, no 1:1 at all untill she is atleast 18

With you having no communication with him at all throughout

Not until she is an adult. She would be putting both herself and you at risk

Loads of kids WANT to go run into the road. We don’t allow it.

Shes 10 and you were an adult when he manipulated you. What chance does she have? He’ll know exactly how to Disney Dad and dupe her.

You’re the adult.

I'd say no, until she's old enough. He may ruin your lives through emotional blackmail and Controlling you through the child. Say no, but she can do whatever she wants when she is 18. Kids do beg to do all kinds of things that aren't good for them, we don't have to allow it, it's fine to say no!

Talk it over with a counselor and a lawyer.

Privately: I would let her reach out (ie let her email him) but tell him you will be asking for money. He will continue to avoid her in order to avoid being asked for money. Don’t sue for it. Just let him know you will ask for it.

If he was abusive I wouldn’t let her contact him at this stage. I would give some more information about why he isn’t safe and arrange some counselling.
If he begins harassing you or taking you to court or something then the toll on your daughter is going to be huge compared with the sadness of not having a dad in her life.

How is she likely to handle it if (when) he disappoints her? I think that would be the most important thing to consider.

I think you need professional advice on this. My understanding is that it is usually considered in the child’s interest to have contact wherever possible. I think as she’s asked you should explore what to do next with her. You should let school know and research how to access supervised visits should you be able to contact him and he agrees to visits. I do think supervised visits would be best. But he may not meet her at all. I think she needs some support and counselling and you do. I do really feel for you. I had a friend in similar circumstances and it wasn’t easy but her daughter slowly made the decision not to have much contact with her Dad. My friend was careful to always be neutral and social services did have it noted that her daughter would be at risk if they lived with their Dad. All the best.

I think this is tricky - at 10 she is too young to be told the full details of abuse but obviously you need to tell her something. Is there a school counsellor that you can access? I think you need to prepare her for the possibility that he will either not want to have supervised contact or be unreliable and let her down. Obviously, it's very difficult for you as you never want to see your child hurt 😞

I would definitely get some professional advice before you make any decision. In the meantime you can tell her that mummy has a lot to think about and that you are glad she has talked to you about how she is feeling and encourage her to keep talking with you. Tell her after so long with no contact it's a difficult decision and you think it would be good to get some help with it and talk through all the issues that have come up, including both your and her feelings about this. Good luck with it all OP, you are a lovely mum and you are doing a great job 💐

No. 10 year olds don't get to make these sort of decisions.

Tell her you can discuss in a couple of years.

I wouldn't let her but this needs handling carefully. Will a counsellor trained to deal with abuse help? She is old enough to know that he was abusive and can only see her if supervised which he refuses to do. If she's after a relationship she needs you to start teaching her about red flags and abusive behaviour and boundaries all of which a counsellor will help with. Don't let her see him until she is aer with this protection at least.

I think if you don't allow her the opportunity to ask questions it runs the risk of her putting him on a pedestal, and potentially finding out about him secretly - many children find absent parents over the internet. Better to support her -cautiously - now while you've still got some control over the situation.

Is there anyone in the paternal family you could contact who might be willing to tell her more about her dad, and could potentially help mediate a little if she wants to speak to him? If he is likely to let her down, having a kind relative who is prepared to answer questions and keep in touch can really help.