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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For one sister In law to be the bridesmaid and not the other?

45 replies

Mashbutterfly · 13/05/2025 11:32

I'm unsure if I'm being over sensitive but I've been stewing on this since a family bbq on Sunday.

My sister in law got engaged christmas day. She is younger sister of my husband by 18 months. There is also my husbands twin brother and his wife.

We are all a similar age. Moderately close family. We see each other maybe once every 6-8 weeks.

At the BBQ on Sunday there was wedding talk. It emerged that my sister in law is going to be a bridesmaid and I'm playing no part in the wedding.

I knew DH's sister and our sister in law got on well but i didnt know they were this close. I have a nice relationship with them both but I hadn't expected to be a bridesmaid. However, I feel really hurt that she would ask one of us and not the other.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
loropianalover · 13/05/2025 11:34

You said yourself you didn’t expect to be asked so I’m voting YABU.

She can ask the other SIL if she likes. Why don’t you offer to help with invites or planning the hen….? I suspect you don’t want to 🤔 so why be upset that you don’t have to?

Lyra87 · 13/05/2025 11:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such. I don't think picking one sil over another is a nice thing to do, only exception would be that they were friends or related somehow before they were in laws. Otherwise it just seems mean and like she's making a point that she gets on better with one sil over another. I would personally be upset in this situation, and would definitely take a step back for a while.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/05/2025 11:51

YABU

GoldDuster · 13/05/2025 11:54

They're closer, and that's ok. Personally I feel that being a bridesmaid is a total pain in the arse, so I'd have raised a glass to that and felt relief.

pinkdelight · 13/05/2025 11:58

Your status as sister-in-laws is irrelevant and not the basis for 'why she was hired' for this role. She's the bridesmaid because they're close and have that kind of relationship, whether you were aware of it or not. And you weren't because you're not as close, which is fine. Not everyone is super close with everyone just because of who they married. I'd keep your feelings on this to yourself as it just makes you seem jealous of their friendship, which isn't nice. If you genuinely like them both, be happy for them and enjoy the wedding. You really don't need to be playing a role in it and if your status feels threatened by that, maybe look into other ways to boost your confidence so it's not reliant on such things.

pinkdelight · 13/05/2025 12:02

Otherwise it just seems mean and like she's making a point that she gets on better with one sil over another.

But why is it mean to get on better with one sil than another? We don't like all our aunts to exactly the same level, nor our cousins, and in-laws are even more of a mixed bag. Why is it not fine to be really good friends with a SIL you've clicked with and decent friends with a SIL you like but aren't that close to? Which is a mutual feeling that the OP shares so it's not like it's one-sided. She's not making a point about the OP because it's not about the OP. She's a guest at the wedding like everyone else in the family. It's not a SIL competition.

Nina1013 · 13/05/2025 12:04

I have 2 relations who are sisters and also each the same relation to me as the other (obviously). One is one of my best friends, the other I have a friendly family relationship with.

I would 100% have one as bridesmaid and not the other. It would be strange to ask the less close one, but also strange to not ask the one I’m super close to.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/05/2025 12:09

You’re only moderately close and weren’t expecting to be asked in the first place - it’s not as though you thought you were besties and she’s well and truly brought you back to earth. So I can understand it stings a bit to realise that she’s closer to her other SIL than to you, but you haven’t “lost” some wonderful relationship you believed existed between you. Weddings can get so political over things like this, when they needn’t. Being a bridesmaid is likely also going to mean playing a part in organising things - perhaps other SIL is just somebody who’s good with that sort of thing, or who has more availability.

MidnightPatrol · 13/05/2025 12:10

YABU.

This is her wedding and it’s not about you. For any sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid is probably relatively unusual.

Original poster
Mashbutterfly · 13/05/2025 12:11

Lyra87 · 13/05/2025 11:50

I don't think you're being unreasonable as such. I don't think picking one sil over another is a nice thing to do, only exception would be that they were friends or related somehow before they were in laws. Otherwise it just seems mean and like she's making a point that she gets on better with one sil over another. I would personally be upset in this situation, and would definitely take a step back for a while.

This is exactly it. I'm over 40, I'm certainly not a teenager sulking in the corner. It just stuck me as an unusual thing to openly say "I get on better with that one than that one"

I just feel a bit sad to think that me and my kids are a bit more excluded from the family.

I suppose the crux is that I wouldn't have done it myself.

OP posts:
Upsetbetty · 13/05/2025 12:12

Kindly…their relationship is not based on them being SIL’s it’s based on being friends, those two links are not related. It just so happens that they are both. You being SIL does not automatically make your relationship on par. Sorry. YABU.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/05/2025 12:18

Mashbutterfly · 13/05/2025 12:11

This is exactly it. I'm over 40, I'm certainly not a teenager sulking in the corner. It just stuck me as an unusual thing to openly say "I get on better with that one than that one"

I just feel a bit sad to think that me and my kids are a bit more excluded from the family.

I suppose the crux is that I wouldn't have done it myself.

Show quote history

But did you feel excluded and were you bothered about your and your family’s relationship with her prior to this? Have you attempted to become closer? Tried to arrange more meet ups between your family and hers, suggested that she and you go out just the two of you etc? Because it seems as though other SIL has - and if you haven’t, it’s a bit unreasonable to be upset and offended that your own prior contentedness with the relationship and level of effort is reflected by SIL.

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/05/2025 12:18

Being a bridesmaid probably wouldn't bother me, as I hate any attention on myself.

Is your DH and his twin playing any part in the wedding party? The only thing that would get my goat would be if the brothers were part of the wedding party and the B&G sat the wedding party together at the meal, thereby isolating you.

cakeisallyouneed · 13/05/2025 12:20

I understand why you think it might look like you’ve been left out but from what you’ve said your SIL hasn’t been asked because she is a SIL, it’s because they are friends. If you were both sisters it would different but asking SILs isn’t that common so I think it will be clear to the other guests this is due to friendship not family relative. I do think though that it could be awkward in the photos if potentially you’re the only member of DHs family not in the wedding. Hopefully your DH and his brother are not asked to be ushers/Best man.

Original poster
Mashbutterfly · 13/05/2025 12:21

SparklyGlitterballs · 13/05/2025 12:18

Being a bridesmaid probably wouldn't bother me, as I hate any attention on myself.

Is your DH and his twin playing any part in the wedding party? The only thing that would get my goat would be if the brothers were part of the wedding party and the B&G sat the wedding party together at the meal, thereby isolating you.

They are both groomsmen.

I will literally be the only family member not in the wedding party.

OP posts:
YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 13/05/2025 12:22

She's closer to one than the other, what's wrong with that.

I'm playing no part in the wedding. Unless you are not invited, then you are, you know being a guest.
Now if she specifically does not invite you, there's something wrong 😂

dafa · 13/05/2025 12:31

I think they just have a closer relationship, or is the other SIL more available/lives closer? Sometimes people ask bridesmaids because they know they are happy to help organise etc and have the time. Do you have young children that you would need to look after if DH is groomsmen?

I wouldn’t worry, you will have a better time as a guest rather than in the wedding party.

Also I was bridesmaid for my SIL and my DH (her only sibling/brother) wasn’t even in the grooms party. Now I still think that was odd 😂

mondaytosunday · 13/05/2025 12:39

I asked one of my sisters to be MOH and my other sister had no role. My sister I chose loved the whole thing my other sister would not have been as keen. There was no bad feelings about it.
Frankly you have no idea about their relationship and you aren’t jealous little kids or even sisters. Just think you have no responsibilities and can enjoy yourself on the day!

CurlewKate · 13/05/2025 12:42

This is one of those situations where I suspect Mumsnet lies! Unless there is a backstory, of COURSE you’d be upset if one sil was asked and the other not. Of course it’s entirely up to the bride, but it’s not a nice thing to do. Is there any way your dp could ask his brother what’s going on? Just to give you some closure so you can enjoy the wedding.

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 13/05/2025 12:44

Who would look after your kids if you were in the wedding party too?

Clownsy · 13/05/2025 12:47

Not particularly nice perhaps but I would embrace it.
I would take it as a win.
Don't allow it to sour the day for you.
You get to choose what you wear and have none of the fuss to be concerned with.

Be wary they don't try and assign you any jobs so that you can feel included🤨.

OhCobblers · 13/05/2025 12:55

Clownsy · 13/05/2025 12:47

Not particularly nice perhaps but I would embrace it.
I would take it as a win.
Don't allow it to sour the day for you.
You get to choose what you wear and have none of the fuss to be concerned with.

Be wary they don't try and assign you any jobs so that you can feel included🤨.

Definitely this! Though I do understand your upset OP. I think I’d feel the same. And definitely no getting involved with others childcare or hen night organisation!!

JoshLymanSwagger · 13/05/2025 13:17

Mashbutterfly · 13/05/2025 12:21

They are both groomsmen.

I will literally be the only family member not in the wedding party.

Edited
Show quote history

Do you and the BM SIL have kids?
If so, maybe they'll want you to wrangle them on the day?

I was a BM once, and that was enough.
Much easier to just turn up without all the bells and whistles and hen dos, matching frocks, shoes, hair, make up, fake tan...

Clownsy · 13/05/2025 13:28

If there are lots of young children, you could indeed be assigned the "nannying" them all position for the day.

I would push back and say you will enough with your own if they are young.
Running after children in a strange place is not fun.
Even more so if they are not yours!