Memorial set for FIL — but half the family can’t be there

[OneFunnyBlueHedgehog]

My FIL passed away early last year. Although he had been ill for some time, his death came very suddenly. He had a Direct Cremation, so there was no funeral service or gathering at the time, and his ashes were returned to the family several weeks later. Understandably, it was a deeply upsetting time for all of us — especially for my partner, their two siblings, and the four grandchildren (aged 17–22).

All of us, except for one grandchild who lives overseas, were able to be with him at the end. That grandchild found out via video call, which was incredibly hard on them.

It was agreed that we would hold a memorial celebration at some point this year to allow family and friends — many of whom had asked about a service — to come together and remember him properly. It felt like the most fitting way to honour such a loved and well-known person in the community.

Unfortunately, my partner’s siblings have gone ahead and scheduled the memorial on a weekend that three of the four grandchildren can’t attend. One is the grandchild living overseas, and the other two had long-standing holiday plans that can’t be changed. The family had made it clear in advance that this specific date wouldn't work and offered several alternative dates, including ones when all the grandchildren — even the one living abroad — could attend.

The siblings responded by saying it was the only date available (presumably at a specific venue) and added, "We can't work everything around the kids," followed by, "Well, those kids didn't do anything for [FIL] in his last weeks anyway" which I think is an incredibly cruel thing to say.

The grandchildren are heartbroken.

AIBU to think that, for a memorial, having all seven immediate family members — especially the grandchildren who loved him — should have been the priority?

Any suggestions as to how to proceed from here?

I was going to say organise your own event when everyone can make it but then read back again and saw it was FIL so I guess it is up to your partner what they want to do about it

Hang on, why isn't your partner involved in organising this as much as his siblings? Why do they get to choose?

Are the grandchild all your children? Surely your partners siblings wouldn't leave their own children out?

Sorry for so many questions OP, this is all just really strange!

YANBU but this is for your partner to sort. Are all 4 grandchildren yours/your partner's or are some of them children of the siblings who have organised? If they are children of the organisers have they spoken to their parents? Why was your partner not involved in finding an securing a venue/date for his dad's memorial?

All you can do is organise your own get together for the grandkids at a time that suits all 🤷🏼‍♀️

ETA if the kids are all from your partner, and he hasn't been involved in any of the organising, I can see why perhaps the siblings aren't feeling particularly inclined to work around your family diary if there has been no input/effort thus far

"The Siblings" - does that include your OH? In which case that is who you talk to about things. How big is the family? If its 3 out of 6 that can't attend, it seems a very strange behaviour. If it's 3 out of 50 then sadly there will never be a day that everyone could attend.

Otherwise, I would suggest the grandchildren get together on a different day, and do something themselves to remember their Grandad. Depending on their interests, they could spend the day doing something either in his memory, or something that their Grandad would have enjoyed.

I think this would cause WW3! Partner wants everyone to come together, but having two events would seem like there's some sort of family rift, which there isn't (or at least, wasn't!)

The memorial was mentioned when FIL passed, and then nothing since, other than one of partner's siblings mentioning a potential date several weeks ago. We let them know then that that was pretty much the only date that wouldn't work for the grandchildren and suggested alt dates. Nothing else mentioned, until a family friend mentioned it!

Three grandchildren are ours, 1 (the only able to attend) is partner's sibling's child. Other sibling doesn't have children.

Were the siblings who did all the organising women and now the men are complaining it doesn't work for them and their children?

You absolutely can have a memorial yourselves when your children can attend.

If others complain about that then that's on them for not having the manners to consider the wider family when selecting the date for their memorial.

It's 3 out of 7 that can't attend (9 if you include partners).

Despite being close to the siblings (one of them calls multiple times a day for company), neither of partner's siblings have mentioned this event!

It was loosely agreed that we'd have a memorial when FIL passed but nothing discussed since, other a possible date suggested by one of the siblings weeks ago.

Given your update I assume it’s just your family unit that cannot attend.

I would just let them go ahead with the memorial and do your own thing when all of your kids are together.

plant some flowers to remember him or something like that ?

For me it would be an all or nothing . Find a date to suit everyone not just the one sibling that it suits.

Would be really interested to hear the thoughts of those who think we are being unreasonable, just to get another perspective!

Given that FIL died some time ago, surely choosing a time for a Memorial is entirely arbitrary, and thus it can be scheduled for when everyone in the family can make it?

Presumably the lack of willingness to change is being fuelled by the comment about the kids not having done anything for FIL...that's not how it works at all; if they'd never had anything to do with him then possibly, but that doesn't sound like the case.

I think you'll just have to point out again that the only grandchild that can be there is their child, and that surely it's not unreasonable to wait a few weeks until FIL's other three grandchildren can attend. And then say that if it can't be moved then you and DH will attend, but that you will organise a separate something for you and your kids, and anyone else who wants to join you. WW3 or not, this is a memorial for someone who was much loved, not an excuse for petty one-upmanship.

So three siblings,

Sibling 1 has one child
Sibling 2 has no children
Sibling 3 (your husband) has 3 children.

Siblings 1 and 2 have arranged a memorial (completely without involving sibling 3?) to suit their families and have invited sibling 3 (your husband), whose family is unable to attend. They have also made cruel remarks about the involvement of siblings 3's children at their granddad's end of life.

It's very hurtful for them to exclude your family like this, and to seemingly sideline your DH from his own father's memorial plans. However they are free agents and can (unfortunately) do as they please. It's very perplexing though, if there's no backstory. Did siblings 1 & 2 do all the hard work of caring for their father and resent your husband as a result?

I think all you can do (assuming no backstory and he took an equal share of the hard work of caring for his dad) is organise something privately with your own children to honour their grandfather. If your husband did leave his siblings to do the bulk of the hard work and that's why they're being difficult, I think he really owes them a huge apology. My uncle did this to my mum, just left her to deal with everything, and the hurt it caused was immense.

You aren't.

I had this within my family too and they arranged it for a time I couldn't attend. Went over when Dad died (overseas) and they said there would be no memorial. 3 weeks later they changed their mind and organised one assuming I wouldn't be able to go. I went through a lot of difficulty to rearrange my events and travelled overseas to attend and they were almost put out I did attend.

Funnily enough (or not) we are low contact now. I have seen where I stand within the family priorities so refuse to make them mine now.

Exactly how I feel. At this point, the specific date shouldn’t matter — what should matter most is making sure the people most important to FIL can actually be there.

The grandchildren were all very close to him. Because of his respiratory illness, he asked people to stay away if they had even a minor cold, but when he was well enough, the GC would take him out for lunch and kept in regular contact via text.

You’re probably right — maybe we just need to let them go ahead with their plans, and then arrange something else ourselves. It’s all just incredibly sad.

@OneFunnyBlueHedgehog You are not being unreasonable. People just dont bother to read things properly and jump to conclusions.

You stated the dates you could not make and your DH's siblings ignored that and booked it anyway. Lets give them the benefit of the the doubt and say that was the only date available by the chosen location.....they should have contacted your DH and made him aware and worked together either on a different venue or another solution.

What has your DH said to his siblings about this and has he called them out on their selfish and dickish behaviour?

Sibling 1 lived with FIL so took on most of the day to day caring duties.
Sibling 2 lives near the hospital so would visit a lot when FIL was there, and every weekend when he was at home.
Sibling 3 (my partner) would call daily, visit whenever FIL felt up to it and take FIL to any appointments, pick up shopping/prescriptions etc.

Sibling 1 has needed a lot of emotional support since his death, and we have been this crutch for them.
Sibling 2 has sorted out the majority of the admin side of things since his death (their choosing - we have offered multiple times).

None of this really has anything to do with all 4 grandchildren though, who doted on their grandfather.

I just really can't understand it! Hoping that this is just grief clouding their judgement.

And?

If they want everyone together, then they should have arranged together.

Just let your dp arrange a date that everyone can do and if the other sibling wants to join in they can, and if not - well its up to them

Sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable. Siblings 1 and 2 seem to be the closest to your fil, they did the most work while he was alive, the child of one of them was clearly be closer to their grandfather. So of course they should be prioritised for a memorial.

Your husband helped but was more removed and your kids weren’t involved day to day in the way the other child would have been purely because they were closer.

Thanks for your response.

You're probably right that Sibling 1 and 2 were closer to FIL (sibling 1 lived with him, and sibling 2 is a single parent, so leaned on FIL a lot more prior to his illness).

I'm absolutely not suggesting that my children should take priority over anyone else. I just feel that it's important to choose a date where all seven members of his immediate family can be present. I would feel the same way if it were the other grandchildren who couldn’t attend. To me, the most meaningful thing is for everyone to be there together.

To clarify - my partner was present throughout, supporting Sibling 1 and 2 (and 2's child) as well as FIL on a daily basis. He didn't live with FIL from a young age, but worked with him for around 15 years so spent every day with him.

The advantage of a memorial is that you can select an optimal date to get as many family members there as possible. It's not as time constrained as trying to co-ordinate different funeral arrangements.

That's a significant proportion of the family to conciously exclude.

That's the sad thing about this @OneFunnyBlueHedgehog isn't it, somehow a hierarchy is being calculated - and thus you understandably feel you need to defend it - of who was with/was more important to FIL, when the reality is he had three children and four grandchildren, all of whom should be considered equally in this decision.

It's not about any of you more than any others, it's about FIL and you all being there together to remember him. You clearly understand this, but the siblings seem to be caught up in establishing/defending their positions in the Circle of Grief ie who needs to be perceived as grieving the most and is thus the most important. Such a shame.

From the perspective of the family unit who are closer and have provided more care and support for my grandparents, I can’t begin to imagine my parent choosing a date my cousins cousins couldn’t attend. We’re family, and this is the kind of thing where being together should be prioritised. It doesn’t matter that they see the grandparents more infrequently, and haven’t helped out. When my grandparent had a major heath incident last year (fortunately recovered) everyone in the family dropped everything to be there. No one was concerned with who’d done what and when.