To be mad dh didn’t ask me first

[Raynaodld]

I know there’s bigger issues to be had in a marriage but I am slightly annoyed with DH even though I believe his intentions were good.

My relationship with my family is poor to say the least. As I grew older I realised how much I was neglected on an emotional level, parentified at a young age down to making lunch and looking after siblings from about 5 and that extended to my adult years. I never received any help with my own dc and when I suffered with ppd and asked for help on numerous occasions I never received it. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

They speak behind my back, I can’t have a relationship with siblings even in our adult years without parents being involved and certain members of my family have even tried fighting me, called me horrible things and talked bad about my eldest. It’s really embarrassing and I vowed to keep them at arms length. Honestly my life is better without them.

I was speaking to DH how it’s sad I don’t have the family he does as he receives a great deal of help with everyday things and his family are wonderful with the kids. Mine didn’t even get my children Christmas presents.

He informed me he has invited my family over for the weekend even though he knows what they are like. Why would he do this? He says it’s important for the kids but my family are really toxic and I don’t want my kids to grow up that way.

Why the hell did he do that? I would go out. I'd let him deal with them. I just don't understand him. Is he just being unsupportive or completely thick?

It’s so bizarre. I have thought about that. Plus I’m a SAHM in desperate need of some me time while he works very often I hardly get a break. I would much prefer him surprise me with a spa day or take the kids for a Saturday so I could catch up with friends than have to host people who talk behind my back constantly and make me feel horrible about myself. He has family members who aren’t allowed near the kids with a ten foot pole. I don’t go out of my way to cross his boundaries.

Take one of his family members who he refuses to see and say I’ve invited x for next Saturday. See what he says,

If he doesn't rescind the invitation tomorrow then you get up, get the kids ready and go out for the day

And they are not in the least 'important for the kids'

Get up early and go out with the kids ,leave him to entertain your family

Its very inconsiderate at best. He has seen first hand how bad my family is as he was the one who had to come home to a relative banging down my door trying to get physical with me. The thought of being around them makes me very anxious.
However, as for my DH, I believe his intentions were pure. He believed I was upset when I confided in him that I had no family of my own I could count on and being him, he tried fixing it for me. I wish he would have just asked if I was comfortable first instead of doing something that affects me.

I would 100% go out with the kids for the day. Why reward his crappy behaviour

You said you wished you had his family, he probably heard you say you wished you could get a relationship with your family like that. To me he sounds lovely but I get why you’re annoyed

That would really piss me off

I have a difficult relationship with my mum and I think I'd feel betrayed if my partner did this

He is going to have to cancel the invitation.

I’ve had an awful relationship with my mother (and other family members) for various reasons, another family member tried to arrange it so I’d turn up and find my mother already there so we could sort things out.

My Husband got wind of it (I had no idea) and shut it down IMMEDIATELY. He knew how awful it would be for me, how upset and uncomfortable it would make me and protected me from that because he KNOWS how deeply my mother has hurt and damaged me.

Does your husband actually listen when you’ve told him the things these people have said and done to you because my feeling is if he thinks inviting them into you HOME is a good idea, he isn’t actually listening to you and thinks you’re making a fuss over something not that bad.

You need to spell it out to him. Your family are toxic and you have desire to connect with them but that doesn’t mean you can’t express disappointment things are not different. He doesn’t have to go into ‘fix it’ mode. You don’t want it fixed. You want to be allowed to express sadness/anger/grief/disappointment without him feeling it’s a challenge you’ve set him to make it all better.

What's that? Your entire household has come down with Norovirus? I guess you'll have to cancel. Unfortunately you're very busy for the coming months and you're unable to commit to an alternative date.

I wouldn't put up with having them at your house nor would I risk stirring up a drama by being honest. Choose peace.

Your DH needs to learn to communicate better and not make unilateral decisions going forward. You need to clearly verbalise this! I know it is sometimes hard if you have grown up people pleasing but it's in your best interest, and your children's best interests too.

I'd be absolutely livid. And I'd be going to stay in a hotel by myself for the weekend if he insisted having them in the house.
I'm not joking I genuinely would.

As far as I'm concerned if you share a house with someone you absolutely always run past inviting anyone to stay with them.
So family aside I'd be livid at just being 'told' someone was coming as if I had no say in the matter.
And add that this is family he knows you have issues with...

I'd be beyond furious and if anything i think you are downplaying what a shitty move this is from him

It's pretty clear from what you've posted here that your desire for a family like his would not in anyway be achieved by inviting your family over.

I think you need to be a bit blunt with him that, good intentions or not, he's really not been listening to you if he thinks inviting your family over is good for anyone. Tell him to cancel it. And if he doesn't go out, with or without the kids depending on what you feel capable of.

Good advice here for you OP x

I can't believe the replies on here. Sometimes I feel MN really does believe the worst in people. Obviously your DH was feeling bad for you and invited them over on the hopes of some kind of reconciliation and for you to feel happy. Yes, hw was misguided, but I feel his heart and intentions were on the right place

This. You and the kids go somewhere nice without him
Let him stay home and experience first hand you mean family. I'd be telling DH if he ever did that again we were through.

So OP what did he say when you said "but you know I don't want them here" and "why did you do that?".

I'd get him to uninvite them personally and let him know you need of a bit of a break

Sounds like he's trying to problem solve your disappointment in your family dynamics.
Ask him to please not surprise you like that again.
Cancelling will likely cause more grief.

For this one time, can you change the visit in a way that won't cause more stress for you?
Can you go to nearby park for picnic; you make the food?
Can your kids make cup cakes for the visitors? Positive activity and a generous memory.
Can DH lead a game of cricket for an hour, giving you a break?
If they stay on late order fish n chips.

OP, he needs to cancel this asap. This visit will give your family all the validation they need.

Why should OP make the food for a visit she doesn’t even want?

Unless he is really stupid, I don't think his intentions were pure. He knows that you suffered from emotional abuse and neglect from your parents, who didn't change once you were an adult with your own family, yet he thinks the solution to your understandable pain about this is to invite and host your parents?

Would he do the same thing if you had told him that your parents physically abused you? Why would he even want these people around your children?

Tell him to withdraw the invitation and if he won't, take your children and go out, leaving him to deal with them.