To go on holiday without eldest DSD

[boredwfh]

We’re a family with my DD 8, DSD 17 eldest DSD 20. The youngest SD lives with us FT and the eldest is at uni but when uni is out she comes home to us as the base. My DD lives with us Mon-Fri.
DP & I recently took all 3 kids abroad in April & paid for everything. It was a bit of a washout with rain but we all had a great time. We want to go on holiday again but don’t think we can afford a summer holiday so looking at a week in Oct all inc somewhere hot. If we go in Oct the eldest SD won’t be able to come as she doesn’t get a break from uni then & tbh pricing it up we couldn’t afford the holiday with the extra adult. She’s paying for 3 holidays abroad of her own with friends over summer and she’s obviously already had the holiday with us in April. Would we be wrong to say to her we will be going in Oct without her? She loves going away & in the past has offered to put money towards a holiday with us but we’ve never pushed this as she’s a student & this hol would probably be over £1000 more if we take her & she’d have to take time off uni in her 3rd yr. she sometimes feels left out when we go out for family dinners to a restaurant or have one of her fave meals when she’s at uni so I’m conscious this will be a tricky convo to have.
Are we wrong to go away in Oct just the 4 of us when we can afford it or shall we not go at all to avoid making eldest SD feel left out even though she will have had 4 holidays abroad herself & we will have only been away once?
(aware we are in a lucky position to be able to go away at all)

I think it all comes down to how she feels about it, I remember my parents going away with my brother when myself and my sister were at uni and we didn't mind at all (by then we'd already booked hols with friends/boyfriends etc.) Could you plan something special that she can be involved in when she is home? Maybe a nice evening out for the girls (theatre etc.)

Go for it! Children have to learn, as they grow into adulthood that they and their family develop separate plans.
You sound like you have a good, solid, caring relationship so she should understand the logic of your thinking and be pleased you're getting another holiday, too.

It sounds as though you older DSD expects your lives to stop while she is at University which is totally unreasonable. I can't believe that she feels sad if you go out for meals as a family during University term-time. Surely that isn't a normal reaction from a 20 year old.

She's already going on three holidays abroad with her friends so don't feel guilty for going away in October when the holiday is cheaper.

Of course not.

She's a grown woman with her own money and anyway, she's busy when you are going. You're being generous to take SD17 really, most people aren't still taking kids that old away with them.

Given that it's not the only family holiday and she's going on other holidays herself, I think it's fine. Schools have an October break – university doesn't. It wouldn't be fair that her younger siblings never get to go away in the bits of school holidays that don't align with university breaks.

Obviously it needs some care and sensitivity around it, but growing up comes with lots of advantages and privileges – and a few disadvantages and losses. If she's currently in her second year and still feeling a bit left out about normal family trips to a restaurant or favourite meals, there might be a slightly broader conversation to have here about how she's feeling about the shift to more independence and more separate-ness.

When you leave home you have to accept that the family will continue to do things together in your absence. That’s just part of life and growing up.
She is going on other holidays with other people and will enjoy herself there. I would definitely tell her about it, but explain your reasons for choosing the timing. If possible, I might offer to give her something towards one of her other holidays to balance out that you are taking the younger two away.

FWIW, I would drop the idea that your previous family holiday was a washout! Regardless of weather, a holiday is a treat - you all got to go away somewhere, spent time together, had a change of scenery, and as you say, you all had a great time. So you don’t need to portray that trip as a negative experience to justify booking another. You can just say, we want to go in holiday.

WTF?! My 17 year old is in Y12 and still has over a year before he goes to university. Of course he's welcome on our family holidays! He doesn't always come but I can't even fathom the idea of not inviting and paying for a young adult to join a family holiday if they are still in FT education.

We aren’t taking DS22 with us this year, he is welcome to pay for his own flight and we will cover accommodation. He came on a ‘big’ family holiday at Christmas and he has been abroad with his gf and is going away with his housemates (also abroad). We love his company and he us, but the tap has to, if not be cut off, certainly reduce to a trickle at some point.

I think when there is a ‘family’ holiday the whole family should be invited. In reality that means the eldest gets family holidays for longer if they want, but generally they tend to opt out of their own accord. Once youngest is an adult parents go away on a couples holiday. To choose a time of year where you feel the daughter can’t come means you are
excluding her. If you can’t afford it, choose something else.

Hmmm I would never not include SS20. He’s at Uni too and I would not feel like it’s equitable. We tend to take them both away (unless he decides he is doing something else) or we do couple only
week away once a year without either of them. (Definitely recommend 🤣)

I like to go away in October as the weather is milder in the Med etc. I've done plenty of trips at that time of year without the children who are away at uni.

It's swings and roundabouts in terms of meals etc. Dd was away for 6 years but now lives near us again so gets to go
out for meals more than her sibling who now lives further away.