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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I need help

13 replies

HazelBubble · 12/05/2025 12:18

My husband and I have a 10 month old. He is thriving and such a happy little soul. He is exclusively breastfed so all night feeds are done by me. He’s still a terrible sleep. I’m a stay at home mum and my husband works from home. He takes the time for himself and will have a nap in the day if he’s tired. I don’t get a break. I don’t get to rest but that isn’t ever considered and when I do happen to get a break because I’m unwell it’s for a maximum of 30 minutes and then I’m back on it. When I ask my husband for help he always says “I just have to do this first” or “I’m gonna do this” or he takes ages to actually help me and when he does he moans or says “I’m the one making the money for you and the baby” like he’s throwing it in my face. I’ve said multiple times let’s put baby in daycare and I’ll work too but he doesn’t want that but can’t accept that being a stay at home mum doing all housework and meals and night wakings and every nappy change is a full time job too and he has the audacity to say that I’m not balancing anything and he’s doing all the hard work? Am I being unreasonable in needing help? Should I be able to do it all without help? I feel like a failure. I know he’s working hard for us but I need help. I’m not capable of doing it all, I’m just not wired that way I guess. I’m trying really hard but failing.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 12/05/2025 12:23

OP, I assume your ten month old still has a nap in the day - so why don’t you take the opportunity to have a nap when he does? Being a mother to a baby is a full time job - unfortunately, you don’t get any time off for good behaviour! Also, if your DH didn’t WFH, then he wouldn’t be able to help during the day, so you just have to think that in the daytime, your DC is your responsibility - but it’s not unreasonable to expect a bit of help with the baby from your DH during the evenings and at weekends.

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/05/2025 12:26

Get a job and use day care. He doesn’t get a say if he’s not prepared to help.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/05/2025 12:28

Don’t cook or clean for him. Apparently have a job makes you exempt from these tasks, well then you’re a full time mother so he can do his own chores.

DeathStare · 12/05/2025 12:28

Why are you seeking your husband's permission to get a job?

Just tell him it's happening and that the childcare-around-employment and housework will need to be split evenly

notatinydancer · 12/05/2025 12:30

I’d bet if you got a job , you’d still be doing everything. I bet his boss would be interested to know he has a nap during the day. He gives WFH people a bad name.

Hoppinggreen · 12/05/2025 12:31

When your DH is working he is working and unless he is on a lunchbreak then you shouldn't be asking for help
However, if he is not doing his fair share outside working hours then that is another issue and if you want to go back to work then you have every right to

RussianLady02 · 12/05/2025 15:34

That’s a bad husband. He should find a job that pays more! My husband owns a shoe website and we’ve retired in our thirties so I can’t relate to this. Why haven’t either of you made more money by now? I would be unhappy about this.

Hoppinggreen · 12/05/2025 17:27

RussianLady02 · 12/05/2025 15:34

That’s a bad husband. He should find a job that pays more! My husband owns a shoe website and we’ve retired in our thirties so I can’t relate to this. Why haven’t either of you made more money by now? I would be unhappy about this.

Excellent advice
Go back in time and start a shoe website OP

MoreChocPls · 12/05/2025 17:30

How o. Earth does you dh have time to nap when working from home? What a lazy selfish twat.

Okiedokie123 · 12/05/2025 17:33

Presumably your baby is still napping during day? - thats when you need to have a rest too (even if its not sleeping - just have a lie down and read a book, listen to music etc)
Anything you are currently doing whilst your baby is napping........ get into the habit of doing those things whilst they are awake. Maybe start getting them involved too. eg "helping" to tidy up, "helping" to sweep the floor etc. And make sure to get your dh doing chores too. Dont let him think that the chores are all your problem.

Or as Russian lady said - start an online shoe business. That would definitely help! 🙄

jeaux90 · 12/05/2025 17:34

Go back to work OP you don’t need his permission.

TopThreeFTW · 12/05/2025 17:37

sesquipedalian · 12/05/2025 12:23

OP, I assume your ten month old still has a nap in the day - so why don’t you take the opportunity to have a nap when he does? Being a mother to a baby is a full time job - unfortunately, you don’t get any time off for good behaviour! Also, if your DH didn’t WFH, then he wouldn’t be able to help during the day, so you just have to think that in the daytime, your DC is your responsibility - but it’s not unreasonable to expect a bit of help with the baby from your DH during the evenings and at weekends.

I hate the BS advice "nap when the baby does" because 1. the baby might not nap for more than 15 minutes 2. they might only contact nap and 3. OP isn't a robot with an on-off nap switch.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 12/05/2025 17:39

If your husband agreed to have a baby, then he has just as responsibility as you to take care of his child.

The problem is you've saddled yourself with a lazy twat and if you work you'll be doing everything else as well.

I would have a conversation where you discuss your exhaustion and divide out chores. Someone who loves you doesn't want you to struggle.

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