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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to cut this friend off?

16 replies

Whatiswrongwithme27 · 12/05/2025 11:08

Hi all, I would love some opinions on a friendship situation that has been ongoing for several years..

I have been friends with this particular person for over ten years and we used to meet up quite frequently. Over the years it’s become less due to having children and work etc which is understandable. My issue is that this friend will message about arranging a catch up then will often cancel last minute. I have found out in the past that the reason she has cancelled is because she’s had a better offer and gone out with somebody else. Also when we have met up she’s invited someone else along without telling me and more often than not I end up watching the children while they catch up. I’ve distanced myself and as soon as I pull away she messages to arrange a meet up..I respond with dates I’m free then it’s radio silence for months on end. I almost feel as if she is checking that I’m still her friend but she has no intention of meeting up. On the occasions we have met up it’s been great and we get on really well which is why I’ve persevered over the years. I suppose from reading this back to myself I can see that it is probably best to cut her off now but I feel sad about ending things. I guess I just want opinions really and any insight into this behaviour. Is she just using me and is it time to cut her off? Please be kind, thank you

OP posts:
Bloodylovecheese · 12/05/2025 11:13

Yes, you've answered your own question. If it makes you feel bad, ditch the friend. Harsh, but if the friendship doesn't bring you joy...there's your answer.

CurlyFlies · 12/05/2025 11:15

She’s not interested in you anymore. You’re doing all the running . Just drop the rope .

Whatiswrongwithme27 · 12/05/2025 11:22

I can accept if it’s run its course and I have withdrawn due to these issues but it’s her getting in contact with me to arrange things then going silent when I suggest any dates or activities. This is what is confusing me, it’s like she’s just playing games

OP posts:
workshy46 · 12/05/2025 11:25

I wouldn't block her or anything but yeah, I wouldn't be in any rush to meet up. If she asks say you are busy and will get back to her. If she pushes I'd say what you have here, cancelling for a better offer, only interested when you are not.

Loopytiles · 12/05/2025 11:27

Too flakey, wouldn’t say yes to meeting up.

Fraaances · 12/05/2025 11:31

Let her contact you and keep replying with “Oh, I can’t that day… Sorry!”

arcticpandas · 12/05/2025 11:38

She's probably one of these people who loves to have loads of friends to watch her kids, buy her gifts so she wants to make sure you're still there for her if she needs you. Def pull away. Your time is precious and she's a CF.

Lobelia123 · 12/05/2025 11:38

I think if you take your power back youll feel so much better - at the moment you feel rubbish and like youre being used.....(because you are). So dont be her skivvy or her back up option, you are worth more than that! Drop the rope, dont get in touch with her. And if she gets in touch with you to pander to her ego and reassure herself that she still has you on the back burner, just be cool and polite, but non commital. Thanks for getting in touch Debbie, that sounds good but not sure Ill be able to make it .... cant commit right now, so much going on....keep well, bye. Shes not any kind of a friend so dont invest any more time or emotional energy into her. Shes not even really worth the energy of being honest and asking her if she means to treat you like youre the last option. Just blow her off and move on with your lovely happy life x

LlynTegid · 12/05/2025 11:39

It has run its course, as you note. Perhaps next time contact with you is made, say that and wish her well.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 12/05/2025 11:41

I definitely wouldn't do any dramatic flouncing etc, just put in the level of effort you're getting. When she messages to meet up, say oh yes lovely, let's arrange that. Then don't send any dates, she won't send any dates, job done.

Mary46 · 12/05/2025 11:41

Yes suit yourself op. I got sick of users and ages to commit to anything. I call one out on it lately I said I dont plan much now as people keep cancelling. You have to I think or they keep doing it

ThejoyofNC · 12/05/2025 11:44

Yes she's playing games and you're currently participating. Stop engaging.

Changeyourlifes · 12/05/2025 12:04

To be honest, you’re being dramatic about this. This doesn’t require an “end things and cut her off” response.

You can distance yourself without any of that. The problem is that you think you are closer friends than you really are in reality. You like her more than she likes you essentially, which leads to you expecting more out of this friendship than she is.

Maybe what you need to do is adjust your expectations and firmly keep her in the acquaintance category. I’m sure there’s people in your life that you don’t speak to often or see often - but it isn’t an issue where you feel the need to officially “end things” and cut them off.

Do the same with her. You can just keep her as someone you message occasionally. If she offers to meet up, just say that you’re busy. Don’t rush into arranging time to see each other.

Endofyear · 12/05/2025 14:04

I've had plenty of friendships like this that have fallen by the wayside - no big drama or falling out just a lessening of contact because of busy lives, children growing up etc. It's normal and I think some friendships just run their course. Just don't make the effort if she doesn't

Olivio73 · 29/06/2025 13:11

Then play the game as well , ignore and silent when needed , try and learn to care less about people that show the same attitude towards you , life lesson x good luck you deserve a better friend

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 29/06/2025 13:28

She sees you as a tier 2 friend.. Value yourself more op.
Next time she suggests something tell her you have x plan with x friend that date...
Every time.

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