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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Falling out with parents.... I don't think I'm in the wrong

26 replies

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 09:45

Sorry it's a long one....
Bit of background, my mum suffers badly with her mental.health, it was hard growing up with as I always felt I was walking in eggshells. My dad does anything for an easy life so won't telling her when shes being unreasonable.

I also suffer with depression and I'm awaiting an autism and ADHD assessment.
So recently my husband and I took our car to a garage owned by a friend of my brother, they did the repair but then lit failed within a few days, took it back and they redid it, just over a month later it failed again. We took it back again and they tried to blame our driving so we told them not to repair it and we would take it elsewhere for a second opinion. They weren't happy with that and refused to release the vehicle, when we finally got it back it was in peices. We got it to a new garage eventually and they said the work was awful, it cost us £2000 to have it properly repaired. Looking at online reviews we aren't the only ones this happened to, we had just trusted them as they were a family friend. Because of the amount of money we lost etc we decided to take them to court. We purposefully didn't discuss anything to do with the whole thing with my brother as we didn't want him to feel he had to take sides.
A couple of times I thought about dropping the case die to stress and because of my brother but my parents convinced me that what the garage had done was so bad that we should follow through with it.
We went to court and the judge said that there wasn't enough evidence either way and threw the case out. Tbh I was just glad it was over with.
The next day after the case we popped in to see my parents who wanted to know how it went and they were outraged about the way it had gone and they said they would never use that garage again and had told everyone they know not to use them as well. At almost exactly the same time my phone rang and so did my dad's. I answered mine and it was horrific my son had a major mental health crisis and had tried to take his own life at school (in his words so me and his dad wouldn't be the ones to find him). A teacher had intervened and he was safe but obviously it was the most horrible thing to hear, we raced straight to school and started dealing with everything for my son. His mental health had been low recently and he was struggling with some bullies. My sole focus has been my son and I haven't had time to think about much else. My husband had been a bit off but I put it down to the stress of what had happened.
Anyway this weekend I said to dh let's pop in and see mum and dad and let them.know how ds is doing etc (i was worrying about my mums mental health as well). Dh said no we can't today your brother is going over for sunday lunch. I said well if we pop over after they've eaten ds can see his uncle who he's close with. Dh got all funny and I asked what was going on. The phone call my dad got at the same time as me was my brother, his mate had gone straight to his the second the case was over and gone on about how shit me and dh were. My brother had rung my dad and without knowing anyrhing other than what his mate had just told him, called me and dh liars and scammers and that our car was fine and we just wanted free money. Dh overheard the conversation and my dad asked him not to say anything to me while I dealt with ds. To a certain extent I understand them not wanting to pile on me but it left dh dealing with the stress of ds and hiding something from me which was also upsetting him. So all this came out and I was angry and upset. Out of anger I did message my parents and said I was pissed off that they asked dh to lie to me and to not tell my brother to speak to us and atleast hear our side. My parents have completely ignored that message and I've not heard a word from them (they didn't even message to see how my sons mental health appointment went or to wish him luck in his exams this week). I had a missed call from my mum yesterday and I felt hope, I was in the middle of something so I messaged and said sorry I'm busy ill ring you back in an hour all.i got back.was 'sorry i meant to ring your dad'. I spent all evening in tears but I refuse to reach out to them. The last time my mum acted this way I apologised to keep the peace but I can't keep doing it (last argument my mum was drunk and we got in a argument, she tried to get in the car to leave and my brother stood in front of the car to stop her driving drunk and she drove at him). I got blamed for arguing with my mum when I know she has bad mental health and in my dad's words 'it's always my fault when my mum gets like this'. I apologised for that one and all the other times before when shes been unreasonable and my dad excuses her behaviour. And Im sick of it now. AIBU to just wait and see if my parents reach out to me.

OP posts:
nomas · 12/05/2025 09:51

YABU, you are 💯 in the wrong.

Your parents were supportive and tried to protect you and you just threw it back in their face.

You’re clearly transferring the anger you feel to your brother and his mechanic friend on to your parents.

You owe them a massive apology.

LandSharksAnonymous · 12/05/2025 10:04

100% YABU on this occasion.

Hard to read, but my main takeaway is that your parents tried to protect you and your brother by keeping his anger with you a secret - as all parents should do, particularly when something traumatic has happened to their child or grandchild - and you have thrown it back at them (as PP said).

Your mums MH and your MH are nothing to do with this. You were unreasonable and all your parents did was try to protect you.

You all sound incredibly difficult though.

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:04

I also forgot to add, during the phone call my dad told my brother that he and my mum were against the court case even though when I wanted to drop.it they pushed us to continue it. I feel like they are telling us both what we want to hear and have been caught out. Which is why I'm angry with them.

OP posts:
nomas · 12/05/2025 10:08

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:04

I also forgot to add, during the phone call my dad told my brother that he and my mum were against the court case even though when I wanted to drop.it they pushed us to continue it. I feel like they are telling us both what we want to hear and have been caught out. Which is why I'm angry with them.

Massive drip feed.

It seems to be your DH causing trouble by telling you things he wasn’t supposed to overhear.

He should have left the room, not held his ear to the door.

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:12

@nomas because my dh overheard him say it which is what prompted him to ask what the conversation was about and how he hot told not to tell me. I didn't mean to drip.fees it was just a lot of info to get down.

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 12/05/2025 10:14

What were your father and husband meant to do when you are already dealing with a crisis? You are totally in the wrong. Your mum is probably too scared to call you

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:21

@Goldengirl123 it's my dad lying to my brother about us that's pissed me off the most. I could understand the rest to an extent if he hadnt told my brother he didn't agree with the court case when my parents kept pushing me to continue.

OP posts:
LeavesOnTrees · 12/05/2025 10:21

Goodness, what a lot of drama.
If you wanted to drop the court case then you should have dropped it.
There is no need to get angry at your parents for not wanting to burden you with more problems whilst you were dealing with your DS.

I hope your DS is ok.

PawsAndTails · 12/05/2025 10:23

So your parents made a decision they thought was best for you and you disagree with that decision. Maybe look at where their heart was? They were trying to be caring and supportive at a difficult time. Even if you think that's a mistake, maybe you can give them credit for trying to care?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/05/2025 10:24

@Princesspearl24 whatever the feelings are regarding the car and sadly, your son, who I hope does well in exams, do you feel strong enough to forego a relationship with your parents? I dont think walking on eggshells for your whole life is good for anyone especially you. you are not responsible for your mothers deteriorating mental health but she is seriously affecting yours. your priority should be your son's and your mental health, not your mother's!

Iwantamarshmallowman · 12/05/2025 10:25

you just all sound like a big toxic family..none of you come out well in this.

ItGhoul · 12/05/2025 10:32

You all sound like hard work but you are making a massive, massive deal out of a tiny thing - a tiny thing that was clearly done out of intended kindness so you didn't have an additional thing to worry about while you were handling the crisis involving your son.

You are being really, really difficult here and you are definitely in the wrong.

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:32

I'd be more inclined to be forgiving of then trying to protect me if they hadnt lied to my brother.
And this is just one in a long line of dramas from my mum which I have to apologise for even though she starts them.
She doesn't speak to my dad's side of the family because she started an argument with his sister.

OP posts:
Appleblum · 12/05/2025 10:36

It sounds like your parents were telling your brother to leave you alone as you had bigger issues to deal with. I would just forget about it... the case is over and you have accepted the outcome anyway.

nomas · 12/05/2025 10:37

Princesspearl24 · 12/05/2025 10:32

I'd be more inclined to be forgiving of then trying to protect me if they hadnt lied to my brother.
And this is just one in a long line of dramas from my mum which I have to apologise for even though she starts them.
She doesn't speak to my dad's side of the family because she started an argument with his sister.

Hang on, why are you blaming your mum when you have now said your dad told your brother the court case was a bad idea?

OP, you are not coming across well in this.

TinyTempest · 12/05/2025 10:45

We purposefully didn't discuss anything to do with the whole thing with my brother as we didn't want him to feel he had to take sides.

Your parents were just doing their own version of this ^^ because you weren't in the right head space to deal with hearing about what your brother said.

I don't know why you're blaming your mum for the bit you drip fed when it was your dad who said it???

But also, you need to take this up with your brother and keep other people out of it.

Timetochillnow · 12/05/2025 10:48

In brief I think your parents were rightly trying to protect your mental space / energy for dealing with your son at the time, but maybe they didn’t need to tell your OH about the car/ brother issue either.

sending messages is never the best way to deal with grievances especially with those closest to us

my advice would be to meet up somewhere for a walk together to try and build bridges

Roxietrees · 12/05/2025 10:49

If my child had just made a suicide attempt this minor situation wouldn’t even be taking up any space in my brain! Your parents are in a difficult situation- they love you and your brother - and as you said, yes they probably are just telling you each what you want to hear. They’re stuck in the middle and trying to protect you both. I’d be completely focused on my son and ensuring he has as much family support as possible. He needs you all to get along to be able to support him. You have much bigger things to worry about than this. You’re a parent, you know what trying to protect your child is like. Just forgive them, move on and focus on your son. I don’t know what his relationship is like with them but he doesn’t need any family dramas right now

1SillySossij · 12/05/2025 10:53

nomas · 12/05/2025 10:37

Hang on, why are you blaming your mum when you have now said your dad told your brother the court case was a bad idea?

OP, you are not coming across well in this.

Well it was a bad idea because you wasted time and money when you didn't have the evidence.
Your family have done nothing wrong, they have tried to protect you.

Pancakeflipper · 12/05/2025 11:03

I don't think your father was intentionally trying to upset you.

I think your anger is being directed at them and wondering it's due to past experiences?

I hope your child is getting good support and doing OK.

KrisAkabusi · 12/05/2025 11:12

Everyone is telling you that your parents were acting from a good place. You had terrible news and an enormous amount of stress, and you didn't need anyone adding to this. They were trying to help.

You're arguing with everyone that points this out though, so maybe take some time to see this from another point of view, rather than automatically going "No, I'm right".

WhiteCloudd · 12/05/2025 11:14

Kindly, why are you even mentioning your mums MH or your own MH in this? It’s not relevant. Is it because you’re holding on to lots of baggage that’s weighing you down and making this a bigger deal in your mind than it needs to be?

NewtonsCradle · 12/05/2025 11:26

Tbh I think an autism assessment/diagnosis might explain why you are struggling. Maybe get a library book on autism in women? Your family aren't trying to persecute you at all, try and give them a break.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/05/2025 11:33

You were wrong to have a go at them about the asking your DH not to tell you. That seems to have been with the best intentions.

YANBU to feel sad they are keeping this up and ignoring you. Ignoring people is very childish unless there’s a very good reason. Have you apologised for having a go at them?

I think you need to work on exercising your own judgment, so that you don’t just follow other people and then feel resentful. Make your own choice of garage (or other services) and own it. Make you own decision re whether to take a matter to court and own it. Don’t go by what others have said and then blame them for what is ultimately for you to decide.

Coconutter24 · 12/05/2025 11:36

Your child has tried to take his own life and you are on here complaining that your mum (when in fact it was your dad on the call talking) lied to your brother over something so minor. Maybe your dad was trying to not make a thing out of it because of the news you just had, which your dad obviously knew about before his phone call because he asked your DH not to mention it because you need to focus on your DS. Maybe he didn’t want to go into it about a car when his grandson has just tried to take his own life.
I think you need to get some perspective.

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