To sack off DH on anniversary?

[Catssitonhats]

To give some background, DH and I have had a pretty rough start to the year relationship wise, with a 2 week separation and threat of divorce. We have since been working through things, he's getting some therapy, we've been talking a lot more and there have been some significant positive changes. Really happy with how things are going and proud of how we've changed our relationship for the better. Great.

This weekend, however, he went out for "one" on Friday, but didn't come home until past midnight. Next day he was so hungover he couldn't take the kids to the activity he does with them every Saturday (and usually gives me a lie in as he often works away during the week), so I took them and held the fort ALL DAY (they are little - think 2 under 5) until he finally rose out of bed... Wait for it... 5pm!!!

Told him what an absolute piss taker he is, and how upset I was etc, made it very clear I won't tolerate this and he apologised and said it won't happen again. He doesn't have form for this, by the way - in fact he rarely goes out (which is probably why he ended up so hungover).
He does have form, however, for being absolutely last minute for making any sort of arrangement for anything social whatsoever, such as family birthdays etc.

It's our anniversary tomorrow and he's just come up to me and asked me if I've got him a card, because... You guessed it. He forgot and hasn't got me one! Now I don't give a fuck about the card, but I also told him to book the day off tomorrow and planned our day otherwise we'd have done nothing and I'm fucking sick of it. After all we've been through and ESPECIALLY as he was such a deadbeat yesterday I'd have thought he might have thought to himself, you know what, my wife deserves some extra appreciation tomorrow so I best check I've got a card before the shops shut. Could a man not think to himself... It's a wonder we're still married, so it's worth making a fuss of the fact we've made it another year? It'll be nearly 15 years together. We don't normally do cards for valentine's day and his excuse is that we don't usually do cards. I don't fucking care.

AIBU to sack off the day and tell him I'm popping out to run an errand, then just not come back and make him waste his day like I did yesterday? I don't even want to spend it with him anymore!

Now I don't give a fuck about the card, but I also told him to book the day off tomorrow and planned our day otherwise we'd have done nothing and I'm fucking sick of it.

That sounds like you have to be his mother if you ever want anything to happen, for him to do anything.

When you say things are getting better, how? Is he really changing or are you changing your expectations to accommodate him?

I wouldn't blame you for taking off for the day, but it's probably not the best way to resolve this.

I think yes, sack it off and get a divorce.

Socially, I do. I carry the mental load. He's rubbish at important dates, sentimental things, just being proactive at showing he cares and has form for realising it's someone's birthday today and still needs to pop out for a card.

Extremely good at other things - he has the initiative for both of us for keeping on top of the house chores, finances, car stuff and DIY etc and great attention to detail. But yes I feel like his bloody mother when it comes to a social life. I have to encourage him to maintain friendships and tell him yes, you should send a card for xyz.

Not going to lie the progress we have made is mostly him - working on a lot of issues / trauma of his own that was impacting on us as a family in the way of his moods. He's fundamentally become a lot more positive, less critical and able to forego control. I know I've made him sound lovely.... He is autistic so a lot of these things have been quite difficult. I genuinely did think I was going to divorce him and thought he wouldn't change, but i do feel more appreciated and much happier. Far from perfect but this weekend I've just bloody had it.

I feel like all I needed to hear was "thanks for holding the fort this weekend, I really appreciate it" but I haven't heard it. And I really don't think its asking too much for an anniversary card even without having been a shit husband already this weekend!

You aren’t going to hear what you want to hear. You either change the problem (you can’t) or change your relationship to the problem.

You drip fed the autism and on that basis, yabu

he isn’t a bad person, he is all round decent and contributes. He obviously struggles with knowing what to do for social stuff, anniversary etc

you could choose to love him for who he is and make sure your kids have a stable home and a happy family…or you could choose to punish him for relatively minor fuck ups.

if he is autistic, one or both of your kids might be. Keep your marriage intact, cut him some slack and have a nice anniversary.

Nah. Life is too short for this shit. I’d be cutting my losses.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable but you would have to accept whatever consequences there might be (more rows) in what sounds like an already-fragile marriage so you have to decide if it’s worth it. If he’s never bothered with cards etc before then I think hoping for him to decide that he should now bother about them is probably futile.

To be clear, he is perfectly clear that a card and gift is the socially accepted norm, but for some reason those things don't fall in his calendar like other things do.
I've been the backbone of trying to keep a "stable and happy family" and have had to be the positive, the calm and the practical for all 4 of us for such a long time due to his moods and his temper that it broke me, hence our separation earlier this year - and the only reason he decided to get help is because I recognised how bad he'd got and basically told him he couldn't come home unless he sought some professional help - because without it I couldn't stay with him. I wanted to keep our family together.
My expectations are pretty low by most people's standards if anything.
I'm the one who's come up with strategies to help him cope with things, I'm the one who's suggested we sit down and chat through how we manage certain parenting issues together, I'm the one who's suggested ways for him to manage how he reacts to the kids playing up without shouting at them at straight away. He says he wants to change for the better - and not for me, for himself. Yet he's not doing any of the work here, so to say I'm not accepting him for who he is and basically saying autism is a free pass and I'm punishing him for minor fuck ups is laughable. People with autism are capable of initiating things too, right?

Meh I think I probably posted without reading how it read - as I guess it's not really about the card, and I tried to keep it fairly brief but I probably needed more background! It's More about how underappreciated I feel, and probably me still reeling from the weekend. I'm not going to sack the day off.
I have spoken to him about how I feel, and he's just shut down, said he doesn't know what to say and looked teary and gone to bed.
Leaving me feeling like the bad guy and still not reassured that he cares, and having to tend to my own emotional needs like usual (by starting a random MN thread which clearly is just making me more annoyed 😂)

You are right that your op was lacking some important info, which you have now added.

so now I would say this. Make a choice - either you work with him to resolve his faults or you leave. Those are the options. Playing games like going out and leaving him wondering what’s going on - that won’t achieve anything. He won’t learn from it as he doesn’t get it.

I guess I already made the choice - but it's a lot harder than I thought it would be, I was already stretched before, and I'm not sure I can keep it up much longer. My cup is completely empty, and it doesn't feel like there's even a trickle from DH to help fill it back up again. I think a card would have got a drop or two. A hug and a kiss maybe a drop or two more.
You make a good point though, he won't get it. And that actually does help a bit. Realistic expectations and all that.

What would happen if you explained that because of what happened yesterday you would like the day to yourself today and please could be look after the DC like you had to yesterday? Still gets you some time to yourself to enjoy, but without just wandering off..

I think this. You should change the day from ‘celebrating the marriage’ as I agree that would be pretty fake right now and not help you in any way to supporting you, where you take the day and he keeps everything going, but tell him this and what you need.

Why are you wasting any more of your one and only life with this useless person???

Hop over to the relationships board and lok for the long running thread for people married to someone with ASD. Its an eye opener.

You can’t get blood from a turnip. If he can’t give you what you need it doesn’t matter what the reason is. He can’t/won’t even engage in ritual, perforative, symbolic recognition of how hard you work to keep the family a happy, going, concern. Its not hard. He could figure it out, take notes, and deliver. But he chooses not to and then sulks like a toddler when you point it out.

I couldn’t be doing with that.

He messed up yes but i wouldn't let a card you don't care about ruin your anniversary.

Do the day, try to reconnect. It sounds like things have been getting better. Sometimes people mess up, by digging your heels in it won't get better.

You have to atleast give him a chance if you think your marriage is worth saving if not call it quits - but your not doing that based on a card it's based on everything

Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him? If not, start preparing to be a single parent. If so, your plan to leave him sitting around confused and upset as a type of confusing punishment is a bad one. I wouldn't do this.

Go out for the day and try to just have a nice day without discussing anything deep and meaningful. You need a fun day.

if you haven't tried marriage counselling, I think you should. I rarely bother recommending it as usually one partner has done something absolutely unforgiveable and marriage counsellors are renowned for trying to make the people who have been abused (eg by cheating which is always abusive) accept some of the responsbility for being abused, which is pretty disgusting.

But this might still be fixable, and I do not think you are not going to get there without some outside help.

Hmm, I might be biased as I have autistic children (and many traits myself) but while I see that you have many reasons to be fed up, I think there is little he can change that he hasn't already tried to change. The staying in bed all day with a hangover is not on, but you have said this is unusual. The difficulty with social expectations is part of the autism - eg you didn't exchange cards on Valentine's Day but you wanted one for your anniversary. The planning and organising of social events can be very challenging if you have autism, but you've said he does the organising of many other things in your life so perhaps you could agree that you each organise the things you are better at.

Regarding your anniversary, I think you can only communicate how you feel about it and why you don't feel like celebrating.

It does seem like he's worked on things that were affecting your relationship but an autistic person can't just remove all of their traits. If that's not something you can live with in a relationship then that's fair enough but I think it's important to have realistic expectations about what it is and isn't possible to change.

This man can not be the husband you want him to be, it does not matter how upset you get or how much you ‘’nag’ him, he can’t offfer the cup refilling, not the social aspect of life. You are demanding that he does something that he is unable to control.

You either adjust your expectations of him, and find other ways to get your emotional needs met, or you leave. You can’t keep creating conflict though, this isn’t a healthy environment for your dc. Your dh also must think he is failing constantly.

It’s your choice. He is what he is, he is trying to change for the better. He is having counselling. He is engaging but it may not be enough, if you intrinsically feel lonely and emotionally drained by his lack of care and attention.

I have an autistic husband who is in 75% of the ways but never ever been good at presents or anniversaries.
I've learnt to accept that he shows love in other ways, and just buy myself stuff, give it to him and he gives it to me.

I think telling him that you are running an errand and then just not coming back would be quite an immature and dramatic way of handling things. If you feel really strongly, then communicate that. its better if you tell him directly how frustrated you feel rather than just leaving and not saying how you feel.
Since the whole day hangover was a one off, and he's been working hard to improve, id personally try and cut him some slack. You feel let down about the card but you know it's something he's not great at, it sounds like he does help out in a lot of ways though - that he's the one responsible for keeping things going with housework and that he usually gives you a lie in every Saturday are really positive! Maybe those are his ways of showing love rather than a card.

Thanks, I did communicate directly - and he went off to bed without speaking.
Or so I thought.

What he actually did, was he stayed up, made a handmade card with the kids foam stickers and some glitter glue, and wrote a lovely poem inside about us, and how our love is tough and he's showing me in glue and rhyme.

He's presented it to me this morning with a cup of tea and a glass of orange juice. I can't believe it, and tbh I'm so relieved. Maybe I'm just so used to the "grey rock" type reactions where he shuts down then is moody for days, that the changes he's made recently are still new and unexpected to me, and it's been so hard for so long that I feel like when things feel so rubbish again it's like we're back where we were at the point I left - when in reality it's a blip.

One thing that has struck me about this thread is that posts are off the scale different to how they've been when I've posted in the past about our challenges and got a resounding LTB, why are you with this abusive man, etc etc. this is the first time I've mentioned his possible autism and most replies seem much more measured. I didn't know there was an autism thread on the relationships board. Can anyone point me to the thread in question? I will have a proper look later but I feel like this will be useful.

That’s a lovely update op. Happy anniversary!

This relationship doesn’t sound worth the effort. Autism or not, do you want to sign up to being his life director forever? I wouldn’t!

Cards and gifts are a smokescreen for the real issue. Some people just don’t do them. I don’t, nor do I remember anyone’s birthdays except my own. I don’t expect people to remember mine. I wouldn’t like a partner trying to force me to care about it. Purely on the social front I do think that’s an area to leave him to manage as he sees fit. The rest of it though? Sounds like way too much hassle.

So pleased it’s all turned out well. If it’s any comfort I didn’t get a card for our wedding anniversary this year and it was our silver wedding!