To think I’m a doormat….

[Thestarsinthesky]

It’s just hit me today….. everyone around me
shows their moods / their grumpiness , I’m a
people pleaser and I don’t do this. Even if inside I feel this I don’t put myself or my moods on others so I impact their happiness.

Im in my late 30s and today it’s like it hit me
Like a ton of bricks.

Examples…. last weekend I went on a girls weekend away. The lady I shared with in our room was incredibly rude, everything was her way ( no air con despite it being 30
plus degrees, her loud metallic music non stop, white noise playing all night as that’s how she has it etc) no compromise.

Today- we hosted a bbq with my family. DH was moody- not happy, he had his music on- I put a song I liked on and he said turn this shit off. He was moody as my family were coming over so I felt on edge and spent the whole
time over compensating. They went for a walk and I cleared up and my DS came back and told me how my daughter had annoyed her and she was off home. After I had spent hours prepping, hosting etc that’s all she thought about and she thought that was fair. I happily told her to go home.

So many examples where people happily express their feelings and I don’t.

Not much point to my post other than maybe im going to start doing the same!

I have been working on this myself, OP since I left my abusive ExH 5 years ago. Once me and the DCs had got through the worst of it, and as we adjusted to our new lives, I thought it was important for all of us, that we had a re-set. I needed them to see and appreciate that whilst they were my priority, this didn't mean my wishes always came after theirs.

My go-to phrase when I was trying to teach them this was, "I can't always come last - what I want matters, too!".

My youngest DD is a people pleaser. We are working on this together - and I tell her that she can't go through life always putting her feelings and herself last. As long as she's not selfish and thoughtless, then it is perfectly acceptable to put herself first sometimes. She's getting there!

I don't want her to be like I was, suppressing my wishes and emotions for the good of everyone else - it's exhausting!

Sorry to hear about your abusive ex. It’s good we both acknowledge we are people pleasers. I just need to learn to be more assertive. Other people happily are and don’t care about the consequences. I’ve decided I don’t want to live my life like this anymore. I’ll be polite but not at my expense. Unsure why people feel they can treat me like this / show their moods. I used to work in HR and couldn’t believe that people were the same in their private life as they were in their professional life. People were like kids in the workplace and I thought they’d put a professional front on but nope 🙂‍↔️ they happily were who they were. Maybe that will be me in a few years!

Once you notice it’s hard to stay the same. It’s a work in progress but im 44 now and I cannot believe what I would say and do to make people happy. It took me a long time to realise no one respects it at all.
Good luck!! (I’m still working on it myself even now)