Leaving 2 out of party invites from friendship group, AIBU to insist?

[PartyInviteFriendshipGroup]

DD is 10, almost 11.

Having a birthday party for her 11th Birthday at the end of July.

She’s allowed to invite 15 peopl.

4 of those are cousins, so that leaves 11 invites.

She invited 3 from her activity group (one of those is at her school). So I assumed the other 8 would be from her friendship group of 9 including her from school. But she’s insisting on inviting 6 of them but not 2 of them because she doesn’t feel as if they’re her friends as much as the others.

These 2 are in the same class at school which is not hers, there is 3 in the freindship group from her class, and then 2 in the other class (with the child from her activity and one of her cousins) – it’s a 3-form entry school.

I really think it’s unfair to leave 2 out, given I have to pay for 16 places (including her) whether we have 16 children or not I don’t see what harm it does to invite them. They’re not horrible to her she just doesn’t consider them her friends.

The friendship is a mix of boys and girls (more girls than boys) and it’s a girl and a boy being left out. So it will be obvious iyswim.

I’ve told her she can drop the boys from her friendship group invites if she wants to but one of her cousins is friends with 2 of the boys so she wanted him to have someone to talk to.

AIBU to insist she invites the last 2 from her friendship group? Or is DD right to want to decide?

How would she feel if they left her out? That would be my question

I don't think she'd be bothered tbh

I wouldn't leave them out if we could accommodate them. So much better to teach inclusivity.

I’d be more concerned that I hadn’t taught my DD to think of other people than anything else. Not a good look and guaranteed to set off other issues

Why? As an adult you can choose who your friends are, you invite different people to different things accordingly.

I’d just let her decide. They’re all off to secondary school soon, she’s old enough to decide.
But make the point you have paid for the places anyway, they might as well be filled.

Some of the ones she's inviting might be closer to the ones she's leaving out than they are to her. If they decided not to come...?

I wouldn’t invite the ExH DN, ask him to do something with them and his wider family to celebrate.

I think a frank conversation needs to be had: about what it feels like to be left out, about the damage that can do to the whole group of friends afterwards and the benefits of including them. They haven’t been unkind. They’ll bring a present. They are more likely to invite her to future parties…

I think it depends really. If you trust your DD to understand the social dynamics well, leave it to her. ,-‘ you take this as an opportunity to talk to her a bit more about the friendships? Is the group really a set group? Those two might have other friends and just dip in and out. It doesn’t sound unkind to leave them out, from the way you’ve described it. And it could be that your DD is reading the situation well and they would be surprised to be asked given where their friendship is at.

Yes I would insist nicely. Children can be quite black and white at this age and I would do it as much for your dd as for the 2 friends. Perhaps you could sell it to your dd as friendships change a lot at secondary. And friends she’s close to may drift away so it’s always good to have friendship options. So you want her to invite them this one last time as everything will be different next year.

Thought I'd update, I had a chat with DD about these two DC incase theres an issue.

Turns out they've been asking questions about DDs medical issue and she doesn't know how to answer and she was worried they'd ask questions at her party.

We're going to invite the two to her party and arrange a playdate with the girl before the party so I can answer the questions about the medical issue. She doesn't want the boy to know, so we'll shut that down to.

All resolved thank you all for the advice!

I think this is a really good outcome, you have the answer and your dd will be inviting her friends. I get it’s tough to be a child with a medical condition. This is also the case with my dd.

Removed as I missed the final answer!

So she'd rather have empty paid for spaces at her party than invite these two? If they've not been unkind to her that seems very odd, there will always be fine in a group of friends we are closer to than others but if there's no additional cost and there's no bad blood it seems mean to exclude two of the wider group.

All resolved now thank you the children are going to be invited

I missed your final update, that makes sense if they've made her feel uncomfortable