Would this bother you?

[ellie09]

My DP and I both work full time, same number of hours etc and both in office jobs.

I have a DS who is ASD and suspected ADHD, who has a different dad to my DP. DS is full of energy and always on the go, so I need to always be out and about etc.

DP is moving in soon to our house (its been 3 years and we are engaged, but we had to wait for his lease to end).

DP stays over 2-3 nights per week with DS and I, and DS adores him. DS goes to his dads on alternative Friday and Saturday each week. On the weekend day that I have DS, I have been inviting DP to come along to whatever we have planned, but he keeps declining, and its getting a bit annoying.

I will mention we are going out for the day to the park, or the zoo etc and ask my DP does he want to come along, to which he mostly responds that he is going to have a "lazy day".

I understand he works, and may be tired etc, but I am similar and I have to stay on the go to keep DS amused and create good memories for him. I also really want to have more "family" days out so we solidify the family unit before he moves in fully.

DS is starting to become annoyed too (I can tell) as he is consistently disappointed when DP tells him he isnt going.

Would it be unreasonable for me to have a conversation with DP at this point to let him know these concerns and that part of being a parent is just sucking up and going to these things?

I dont want to be in a position a couple of years down the line where I am still doing this alone, perhaps even with another DC in tow (he does want his own child).

What is it you want from your DP? It sounds like you want him to be a father to a child who already has one. Your DP is allowed to have a lazy day. And the more you push him to be a replacement dad to share the load with you, the more likely it’ll be that he won’t move in with you.
He is not your child’s parent. You are. You shouldn’t expect him to be anything more than a positive role model in his life. You need to adjust your expectations or he’ll leave. Sounds like he’s pulling away already, which is not unreasonable given your approach.

How in depth have your conversations been over expectations on both sides?
Or are you both taking an 'it will all work itself out' approach?

It seems odd that this man is going to move in to your son's home and become part of your family but not really want to participate in family life.

Yeah, I'd definitely have the conversation. You might want to reconsider your options for your son's benefit.

I think it's not unreasonable for your DP to not want to spend his days off doing days out with your child to places he's not interested in going. I wouldn't want to spend my days off doing that.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a conversation about what family life will look like when he moves in - in fact I think it's important to address this BEFORE he moves in. Will he expect to be doing his own thing while you are looking after your child? How will it work if you have a child together? These are conversations that need to be had before you move forward in the relationship.

I think it's not unreasonable for him to step up a bit and be involved with something family oriented now and then. You only have your child every other weekend, it's not as if your DP is expected to do something every weekend. If he's moving in he's going to become part of the child's life whether or not he's the father, the same as every other 'stepdad' whether married or not, and that means becoming involved in family life.

You're not compatible and I'd end the relationship, your oh isn't the right person to be a step parent to a child with ADHD. It's challenging enough parenting a child with asEMD and your oh's behaviour will get worse if he moves in. I certainly wouldn't marry anyone who could potentially make my child homeless due to Inheritance laws.

Your first priority should be your child & not your partner and ensuring that you have secured his Inheritance and future. Go and see a solicitor specialising in inheritance and additional needs.

Surely there’s a compromise where DP comes out with you once or twice a month?

I think you need to discuss this before he moves in as you seem to have very different expectations of what being a step-parent is.

I can see why he may not want to tag along to everything, he is not as invested in your child as you.

I do think that less is expected of step-dads though. If your DP had a child and you were the step-mum, everyone will tell yoy you need to treat DS as your own. It will be interesting to see if the same is expected of your DP.

I think you need to have a conversation PRONTO about what your expectations are re: your future husband's involvement in your son's life. I'm actually astonished you've reached engagement and moving in without already having this nailed down.

He seems to be thinking he'll be able to continue to live a separate life to you and your child, whereas you seem to be desiring a more bonded family unit where he plays a much more active role in your child's life. You need to sort this out before he moves in as this could be a relationship ender.

I think you do need to have a conversation as to the role hes going to have in your sons life, and what you expecting him, or what he expect is going to happen. Actually, not just about your son, but his role in the household generally.

But he's not their parent and probably doesn't want to go to the zoo/park/soft play - I wouldn't if I didn't have kids. He's allowed to have a lazy day but why don't you ask him what he wants to do, he may fancy a go karting/go ape type thing but expecting him to tag along to something he has no interest in when he's not a parent is unreasonable. If that's a deal breaker for you then end it and find someone who is interested.

This has disaster written all over it.

Your boyfriend isn't his dad, nro does he want to be, so all this "solidifying the family" is nonsense and will lead to heartache all round.

Keep him as a love out boyfriend by all means or end it and find someone looking for a ready-made family.

You are not being unreasonable in suggesting you talk about it - it’s vital that you do

it may break the relationship but better sooner than later in that case

He doesn't want to be family unit by the sounds of it. There could be lots of heartache if you have kids with him and he does stiff woth them but not your dc.

I wouldn't be moving in with him.

I wouldn't want to go to the zoo either tbh so I understand him. DH and I often take turns with taking them places so one gets to rest. Not his child though so he doesn't have to go on outings with him.

You say you have to 'keep on the go' when your DP can have a lazy day but your DS is your child not his !

All of this.

Not sure having a dc with a man who won't even have a day out with your current dc is a good idea. ...
He is setting the tone for the future..
There will become an instant divide between the dc and eventually you and him. Resentment from both sides will kill your relationship..
He doesn't have to be his df but should actively want to spend time with him.

YABU big time
He is not his parent. He doesn't have to do EVERYTHING with you and your son. Stop forcing him and being petty.
I'll bet you don't ask nicely either. If u were with someone with a special needs kid I wouldn't wanna be forced to do stuff that I would fond mind numbingly boring. Like the zoo.
Why don't you try speaking to him in a normal tone and ask him how he wants to do this. He doesn't have kids. Your kid isn't the be all.and end all to everyone.

You want him to be a stepdad. He sees your son as just that - yours. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want him around; he just doesn’t want to play dad.

Theres nothing wrong with that. You just need to decide whether it works for YOU - because if it doesn’t, it will make life hard long term. As another poster have said, things might be difficult if you have a child together - the fact that he sees your son as “Ellie's son” rather than his stepson may be more underlined then.

I agree with what others have said . I totally get that on his days off your DP does not necessarily want to do kids activities all the time . But I think that the situation where he doesn’t engage at all is hurtful for you and your son and as others have said has to be addressed with him imminently .
The most important thing is also managing the expectations of your DC , as you say he enjoys spending time with your DP . I think it would be a reasonable compromise if your DP were to agree to going to every second weekend activity with you and also having a say in discussing with you first any suggestions he may have for activities .If you go on a day trip fortnightly , this would only be monthly .
That way , you can go to your son and say what the position will be I.e that DP comes along to every second activity . You can say what else he ( DP ) needs to do .
I would go as far as saying that you need to trial out this commitment to your DP attending these activities before he moves in . I do get that he may agree to this and then back out later when he has moved in , but you can try and gauge how it is going .
You need to have a serious conversation about what your expectations are for your DP and your son / family life . Yes this is a difficult balancing act as your DC has a father who is also actively involved in his life , so you are not expecting your DP to become a stand in father .
i think if you do not address this now , you may find that you and your DP have widely different expectations of your relationship and family life . This will only lead to heartbreak for you and will be devastating and unsettling for your son.
You seem like a lovely mum who has her son’s interests at heart and I think it is also good that you are looking also at your own happiness . But you do know that due to your son’s neurodivergency , he is more vulnerable due to this and you and your DP need to factor this in . I don’t think that you said the age of your DC but as you will be aware even if you haven’t already entered that stage that teenage years can be very challenging
and also the transition from primary to secondary .

You need to set these boundaries and expectations now to protect your son . Especially as you are contemplating having a child with your DP . As you will see across the boards here , a two tier family situation is extremely damaging for children where siblings are treated differently .
I do find Joe Swash a bit irritating but I ended up through sheer laziness of not moving away when the programme started of watching a few episodes of Stacey and Joe on BBC 1 . He struck me as a lovely step father who had a great relationship with Stacey’s older children and did not treat them any differently from their shared children whilst still respecting that both older kids had loving fathers. Ok I get that this is edited and may not completely accurately portray life 24/7 and they are living a very busy but charmed life in some ways. They are in a huge house with lots of outdoor space and are financially secure , so perhaps not comparable to ordinary folk . Nonetheless I was struck by how good their relationships seemed to be .
Good luck .

YABU- part of a parent is about doing the zoo/aquarium/farm/park weekends to make your kids happy, that’s why you do them. Your DP is not a parent, which is exactly why he doesn’t do them.

You aren’t living together, he’s not a dad, he’s allowed to want to spend his free time relaxing.

You are the parent OP and this person is your boyfriend, he’s not daddy.

It's concerning that you're trying to describe your situation as a "family unit". You're not a family unit.

You can't force him to want to spend time with your child and your relationship will definitely not last if you're planning to make him into an unwilling step dad.

Op I honestly love that you’re worried about what he might be like as a parent because that should be a worry, as everyone else has said you need a talk- people can say he’s not your child’s father but as you said it can’t be you and dp or you and ds, you need to be a team

I don't think YABU to have expectations about him engaging in family life once he moves in.

I was in a similar position in that I had a DS and a serious partner. Before moving in, my DP (now DH) established a relationship with DS including joining in activities.

There was no expectation then or now that he joins every single thing, but it was a given that if we are to live together and have a relationship, then he need to join in most of the time.

I don't think our relationship would have survived if he just had the kind of attitude as your DP. Everyone saying ' but he's not a parent' has little understanding of what it really means to make a blended family work.

He’s might just be making the most of having time to himself before moving in.

How will you feel if he doesn’t want to come out with you both at hen he’s living with you?

personally I think you should hold off living together and enjoy the set up as it is and leave him be on his free weekend.