Why am I sad about Mother's Day?

[MissMuffetsTuffet]

I know Mother's Day is not very topical for the majority of MN at the moment, but it's today where I am (though I am British!).

My kids are 5 and 8 and haven't made any cards or anything (not even at school/nursery, which is unusual!). My husband went out this morning and came back with some chocolates, which he "secretly" gave to the kids and then they came and wished me happy mother's day and gave me the chocolates. Then they went off to play.

My husband is going out after lunch to play a team sport, and MIL is coming about the same time to pick up the kids to take them out for a few hours.

I know Mother's Day is super commercial now, and we don't go in for big celebrations generally really, but why am I feeling a bit sad? Please help me organise my feelings! 🙏

What did you want to do ? Your husband organised something although not a grand gesture and your MIl is coming which is nice ,I do think if you want to have a different mothers day next year you are going to have to speak up.

That sounds lovely to me, a lie in whilst DH went out to get chocolates, time with your family in the morning then time to yourself in the afternoon whilst MIL takes the kids. I’m not seeing an issue.

Ha! See my thread “is this a bit shit” as I am also having an underwhelming Mother’s Day!
Sympathies.

It sounds like a mismatch between how you would like to celebrate it and what your DH thinks you would like. He’s arranged chocolates and for you to have a break from the children while he plays his sport. I think that sounds great, but I can see that if you wanted to celebrate by doing something together it’s a damp squib.

For this year, I would wallow in your free time and make sure for next that you make your wishes known!

Our schools seem to have stopped doing the cards too. I'm wondering if it's because of some children not having a "traditional" family, so maybe they don't have a Mum, or I know of a couple of children with 2 Mums at school,.maybe it's too complicated?
I'm sorry you didn't have the day that you wanted. Was it family time that you would have liked? I know some people want a break for mother's day (your MIL collecting them) but I always prefer spending the day with them.

Yes, it does sound like a good day on paper, doesn't it! It would just have been nice to think that my husband had thought about it in advance and sat with the kids and done a card with them. Encouraged them to think about what they like about me and to think about what I like. I know kids are naturally self-centered, but getting them to think about someone else every once in a while isn't a bad thing, right?

You are going to have to say to your husband about forward planning and how you would like the children to appreciate doing things for you and in turn other people. But if you act like it isn't an issue their dad won't see it as an issue.

The only thing to feel sad about is that your dh didn't get himself organised yesterday and had to catch up this morning. Your kids are 5 and 8, they aren't going to sort out anything independently and it would be weird if they did. Kids that age are self-centred, it simply wouldn't occur to them unless a grownup explains it to them. And then what you are actually getting is the appreciation of the adult who did the sorting.

I think the people who genuinely get real appreciation on mothers day are mothers of adult children who make it to adulthood feeling that their mother did a reasonably ok job of the whole mothering thing, and who know that mothers day is important to their mum. But then only in years when they have thr headspace and aren't going though anything complicated themselves.

Keep your expectations low and do what works for you in terms of your own mother - whether that be remembering her if she's no longer around, or showing her your appreciation if she is around and you have a positive relationship. Or by doing something nice for the people in your life who gave you support and nurturing if your own mother wasn't great. And if you narrate this within your children's earshot (eg "I just want to spend a bit of time looking at these old photos because it's mothers day and I want to remember all the good times with my mum") then that may teach them that the day is important to you, and they may act on that when they are older.

I think then that you have a DH problem - it didn't occur to him to do this, or that teaching his children to appreciate you and demonstrate that appreciation is anything he should be responsible for. It's him that's the selfish arse and the crap parent.

It wouldn't occur to me to get the DC to do this for DH or him for me. It sounds really contrived.

How would you celebrate Mother's Day with young children then, if it's "contrived" for your DH to help the kids?

They make cards in school. If they didn't do that DH would probably get them to go and buy one. It's the "getting him to sit them down and think about what they like about me" that sounds a bit contrived.

I think they know what they like about me and if it's just an undefined they just love me because I'm their mum that's fine. I don't want them to feel they've got to be under pressure to clarify that.

I think if you have this sort of very specific wish, you really need to say it in advance. Your husband organised something appropriate and thoughtful. It’s not his fault that you expected him to intuit that you wanted a particular thing.

It’s a lot of weight to put on one day. The fact that you had wanted your husband to encourage your children to think about what they like about you sounds to me as if you maybe feel a bit under appreciated generally. Maybe something to talk about but not in relation to MD in particular.

I think a small gesture on mother's day like chocolates is perfect. Although I do love a card but I prefer messages from my kids own heads rather than been told to think about what they like like about me.

Did you want a bigger or different gift ? I get some mother's like something in particular and that's fine but you probably need to say.

Why is your mil taking the kids ? Would it not be nicer that you go with them and get some lunch or are you wanting time alone.

I didn't mean that they should be told what to think. But encouraged to think about me and what would make me happy - exactly a "message from their own heads", but at 5 and 8 years old, they need a bit of help with that, don't they?

I didn't need a bigger gift, just some more thought.

And MIL usually takes the kids for a few hours one day at the weekend.

As I said, they didn't do cards in school this year, though have done in the past. And I would prefer a home made card to a bought one, but apparently bought cards are not "contrived"? Or is it just that the ready-made card comes with a ready-made message that doesn't need thinking about?

OP enjoy the rest of your day and don’t sweat the small stuff

It is sad that you didn't get cards from your children, that's the best part of Mother's Day for me. Your husband should have sat down with them to help them make cards but it was nice of him to get chocolates and arrange a break for you.
Its Mother's Day where I am too and my (7yr old) son's school still gets children to make cards/art for Mother's Day so he gave me some lovely pieces of artwork and my teenager DD has gone out to buy me a nice little cake and will make me a snack when she gets home (though tbf that's her Home Ec homework, but she also bought me a present off her own back). OH on the other hand got me some chocolates but didn't check the ingredients, they have gluten in so I can't eat them

No parent deserves thanks from their child never mind forced, commercialised, guilt tripped thanks. My children have always known that I don't expect or want thanks, I'm the luckiest person in the world to have them in my life. You chose to have children, it is a privilege to have them, no thanks should be wanted. To do so is exceptionally immature.

Maybe I misunderstood. It was the making them think about bit that made it sound like you wanted your husband to sit them down and wrote heartfelt cards out like a homework task. That's what sounded contrived.

You haven’t mentioned your own mum, what’s going on there? Wanting someone else to think about how to make you happy is a bit difficult as an adult. Generally adults do that for themselves, because no one else knows what’s going on inside your head unless you notice it and articulate it. Just makes me wonder if there’s a bit of a lack of something from childhood that’s making you feel blue and if maybe that’s why you can’t quite locate the reason for it in the present?

I don't think that's it, no.

I sent my mum a card that I spent quite a lot of time on when it was Mother's Day in the UK in March. I think Mother's Day, and indeed Father's Day, is an opportunity to think about what you appreciate about your parent. Children need a bit of guidance and organisation to make a card or draw a picture. It didn't have to be an essay on "why I love my mummy" like some homework task, but just a bit of thought, you know?

Sorry it did sound and come across that you wanted you dh to sit with the kids and to have the kids think about all the things they like about you and put it in a card.

What I was meaning about it coming from their own heads is laying the table with either crafts to make a card or a shop bought one, give the kids their pencils and let them work their magic, sometimes I got pictures drawn, one wrote one time that he hopped we were getting Chinese that night, sometimes I got things stuck inside the card, or sometimes just lots of kisses, it was their work and their own thoughts. I knew they appreciated me and at that age colourful drawings or little silly messages is adorable, there's plenty of time for the sentimental gushy stuff.

Any child who can hold a pencil and draw a scribble doesn't need 'encouragment' to think about 'what would make you happy', their own mark in the card should be enough to make you smile.