Destination wedding and dreading it

[ForTealBird]

Where to start?! I’m getting married for the 2nd time in September on a Greek island. For economic reasons (possibly another thread required) my DH to be has booked a villa for us, his adult children, best mate and my adult niece and her husband. We’re all GenX (am 57 and so is my DH and niece) but DH and I have changed our relationship with alcohol and subsequently don’t do as much socialising. He plays golf, I’ve taken up horse riding again and do a fair amount of hiking with dogs. My niece - who I love dearly - lives in a mostly middle class town where heavy drinking is the norm. Any excuse to get on it. Added to this her husband who is in his 60s has difficulty with making the right decisions when it comes to moderation with food and booze. He’s been known to projectile vomit as a result and can get quite verbally abusive. I’ve been very clear that I do not want this behaviour at the villa and I know they’ve probably talked behind our back about it as the husband was working in our area and we invited him to dinner the other week. He accompanied DH and I to the football and he drank and ate too much at dinner at the ground and was heard telling our friends “I’ve been told not to bring the rum with me”. They commented afterwards that he could be trouble! Absolutely dreading it and wish we were staying in a hotel on our own. Have suggested to DH that we book a hotel room for a couple of nights for the sake of my sanity. Any thoughts?

You should ditch the villa and stay in a hotel! It sounds horrendous, it’s your wedding OP, you should get some say in the plans FFS, and should not be dreading it!

Sounds wise to split off from the group for a few nights. No one could possibly have a problem with newlyweds wanting some privacy!

Re other people's boozing, I wouldn't make such a deal of it tbh. If he acts the dick at the wedding ask your niece discreetly to take him home. You've made the decision to invite them with full knowledge of how they live, it's a bit harsh to start trying to control and direct their behaviour in advance.

Thanks for your thoughts. You’re right in that trying to control things isn’t right. The problem is having a group villa in the first place as I’m not a fan of communal living. I was recovering from a serious illness when it got booked so I didn’t think it through and object at the time. DH amenable to a couple of nights as a mini moon.

If he does go too far at the wedding will your niece be able to "rein him in"? Do you have lots of other guests going?

Communal arrangements don’t work for me either, I need my privacy

My DD’s wedding is on Rhodes in June, they and their kids, and most guests are all in an AI hotel. I’m the only single person going, I have my own room and have made it very clear I’m not up for group dining or socialising every day or evening. I could think of nothing worse than a big group sharing a villa!

Mini-moon away just the two of you sounds much better.

There will be 30 of us give or take. My eldest sister is in her late 70s and her new partner is 81 and they drink heavily too (his influence as my sadly departed BIL rarely drank). On the other hand my brother is virtually teetotal and has offered to keep an eye as he doesn’t want our special day ruined. By all means have a lovely time celebrating but with the hubby it always tips into excess. We led by example when we went to Italy with them and showed them that you can drink in moderation and still have a lovely time.

Exactly that. So you can totally understand why I am peed off with the hubby to be for putting me in this situation. I get social anxiety from too much peopling so this is my idea of hell ! At this rate I may go and stay with my besty single friend who is not a party animal anymore. I’ve arranged with the venue that we need a chillout area.

I wish! It will cost a fortune as we’ll have to subsidise cost of villa for those not staying the whole 10 nights as that wouldn’t be fair. My stepson and gf only staying 4 nights so we’ve costed it out pppn. The compromise is the mini moon idea and we can book that nearer the time. I’ve also told people including my 25 year old single stepdaughter we’ll be doing stuff on our own as she seems to be treating it as a holiday with her Dad so have made it clear to her it is OUR honeymoon. She’s lucky DH is paying for her trip. Aaargh. I should be so excited and am just stressed.

I think it's pretty unfair to leave your awful relatives with your husband's kids and other parties in the villa and disappear to a hotel! If they're so badly behaved, why invite them to stay with you all in the first place? They're your relatives so it's up to you to sort out the situation - I would tell them that there's been a change of plan and the villa is full, they will need to book an apartment or Airbnb on their own.

You seem to be providing a holiday for ungrateful drunken relatives rather than having a lovely wedding.
I'd cancel the whole thing. Have a registry office wedding, invite them all to afternoon tea afterwards ( no alcohol).
Then fly to Greece for a honeymoon on your own.

I have asked her to do that. She complains about his drinking and how it bothers her but then I get messages from her on at least a weekly basis about how p’ssed she is! We used to drink heavily in our teens and early 20s as I guess a lot of us did but the last time we went on holiday abroad just the two of us we had a lovely time and a lot of laughs without too much drink. If I can lead by example that would be good. When DH and I went to Greece last year we’d come in from a day out and have tea or coffee while getting ready and share a bottle of wine at dinner which was nice and civilised as we like to try some decent local wines.

They know that would be a lie! My niece said she wanted to stay wherever we were. I love her dearly as we grew up together but I do find the heavy drinking culture hard to deal with especially at their age which is why I’ve said we won’t be participating in booze ups. The “kids” are 30 and 25 respectively so they’ll probably do their own thing anyway.