To stop trying to be the social butterfly that I am not?

[Ughmusti]

Since having my children (3 and 1) I have really been trying to force myself to get back into the groove of having a social life and go out to events etc in the evenings. In the past two weeks I have gone out of my way to be sociable and accept evening invitations when, frankly, I didn’t want to go. I spent all day dreading them, secretly hoping for a valid excuse to pop up, but forced myself to go along, promising myself I’d enjoy it. And you know what? I’ve really hated all of them.

Three separate groups of people at each:

1. Mums group (5 of us) met for dinner. It was fine but the conversation was superficial, everyone had their own agenda and the food was mediocre but overpriced. Location was inconvenient for me and timing of the table (at another mum’s insistence) was way too late so didn’t get home til after 11pm.
2. Work dinner (networking) with a group of 7 colleagues for a long, needlessly drawn out multi-course tasting menu dinner. Had to make small talk all evening with people I only vaguely know and with whom I had very little in common. Took me nearly two hours door-to-door to get home. Finally got into bed at 1am on a school night.
3. Local charity event. Poorly run, everyone was already chatting away at tables in groups when I arrived and no one except one old woman spoke to me for any significant length of time. And that appeared to be an excuse to talk about herself. I recognised a few faces and started up conversations but people got pulled away or nipped to the bar so I was left standing alone for 70% of the evening. Got back home at 10:30pm and DH and the kids were all in bed, so I had zero company.

I’m sick of making the effort tbh. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly introverted, but it’s actually making me sad to spend the whole evening seeking out connections with others when it’s just not there. DH tries to encourage me out but I’m getting nothing from it except bags under my eyes the following day and ironically an ever-increasing feeling of loneliness and isolation.

WIBU to knock it on the head and stop accepting the invitations? Would that just make it worse?

That makes no sense. Why not just see your actual friends, rather than attend work or charity things or ‘mum group’ outings with peoole you don’t appear to like? I mean, it’s like choosing three dishes involving ingredients thst don’t go together, and then de larking you’re giving up on food.

I think it sounds like it’s early days and you need to keep going. These are all new connections so they will be superficial until you’ve built on them for a long time.

Networking events will be awkward for everyone but the idea is to find common ground through conversations and build from there.

The charity event sounds tough, but did you approach people? It sounds like you waited to be approached.

I'm also wondering why you don't just go out with friends

I don't blame you for being discouraged but don't let it put you off socialising, just don't do those kinds of events again

I really don’t like evening events since having dd (14 years ago!) and very rarely go out. I dread them all day and just don’t enjoy it. The only vaguely evening thing I do is a soup kitchen which I love (finishes at 9).

I tend to socialise during the day, early evening with friends and have knocked all the mum group stuff on the head.

Don’t get me wrong, when Dd was little, I was the same as you and felt the same, and have since accepted I’m not an evening do kind of person.

Constantly doing stuff you clearly don't enjoy and hating it doesn't mean you're not social.

Just do what you like with people you enjoy being around. Not everyone has loads of different friend groups.

The fundamental issue is that I don’t really have a reliable group of friends that I can go out with, so I’m putting myself out there to meet people I might find common ground with. Pre-children I had a few but they are now still single and child-free and I can no longer do the things they want to do (and vice versa). Those friendships just aren’t as strong any more and we tend to only see each other once in a blue moon.

I really DO make an effort to approach people whenever I go to these things- I doubt anyone would suspect this is how I’m feeling underneath it all. I’m always smiling and chatting to people but I come away feeling so hollow and empty from it.

Agree with the PP who said perhaps it's just evening events that's aren't your thing anymore. I'm the same, unless it's local evening I'm not doing it. Takes me two hours plus to get home from London and I too fall into bed at 1am on school nights after leaving at a "normal" time.

I would say don't completely give up on your single childfree friends though. They're probably thinking that you don't want to see them since they're not mums who share your new lifestyle. Once you feel dropped by new mums it's hard to let them back in when they want to come round again. Keep the dialogue open and honest with these friends.

@Ughmusti the hollow and empty thing is very relatable. I felt exactly like that last week at a work dinner when I was sat away from the colleagues I am friendly with. Long evening and I felt a bit tearful when I got home. You’re not alone!

I think you need to keep going a bit but space them out. The work tasting thing is ridiculous though. I don’t drink either which makes them even more painful! Do you have any hobbies? I’ve met more people around my hobbies. Having said that when the kids were little it was baby and toddler groups, then school and I met most people that way. Met a lot of people I had nothing in common with too. 😆

So my advice would be grit your teeth and keep going. Try to let it wash over you.

Life is short. Believe me. Too short to spend it doing things you don't want to do for appearance sake.

If you want friends, carry on trying.
If you want to sit on the sofa and scratch yourself, do that.

Try to find some activities you enjoy and crack on.

What your husband thinks is good for you is just his opinion. Tell him, "thank you for your concern but I prefer, oh, I don't know, knitting".

I personally would rather take a couple of hours to sit and sketch or colour with a glass of something nice and a little relaxing music over a night out, but that was always me.

Do you think your tastes have totally changed or do you think you're stuck in a rut and feeling low. The answer to that is quite important. We all change and shift as we get older. Only you decide if it's natural or rooted in a problem.

I think you need some self-reflection time. Maybe, discuss it with DH. Use him as a sounding board, if he's a decent sort.

In short, you do you.

I haven't been able to do evening things since DC were born (dh works nights) a d frankly, I don't mind. Dc are now of an age where I can leave them fir an evening, so I have done a works Christmas meal (with actual work friends, not a generic departmental one) and been to the cinema with another friend in the evenings in the last six months, but truth is, I prefer daytime activities. I see friends for walks, or days out in London etc

I am too old to agree to things I don't like, and now have a ready-made list of excuses. Sometimes I just give vague 'sorry, that month is a nightmare, count me out' kind of answers, to stop them trying to re-arrange to include me.

I usually get two hours a week to myself and I use those to exercise (alone, because it’s usually at an unsociable hour) so no real time for a sociable hobby. I work full time and I’m just exhausted by the end of the day so it takes real effort to attend these things and such little reward is disheartening.

Thanks for the advice regarding acceptance and the solidarity though from those in a similar boat!

I never go out in the evenings, I hate it. I’m a daytime only person.

I was just thinking as I wrote my reply that you’re probably super busy with work and little kids. I’d keep at it but go for earlier ones if you can. I worked part time when the kids were little so it was easier for me. Good luck. I think it’s like kissing frogs 😂

I think you should keep trying. I mean if you saw a film you didn’t like, you wouldn’t just stop watching films would you? Keep trying until you find a vibe you like. Avoid evening events if that’s not your thing.

You lost me at: "no one except one old woman spoke to me for any significant length of time". F(66).

Why? Perhaps the "old" woman was about 85 and OP would like friends nearer her own age. I don't understand what you being 66 has got to do with it, either. 66 isn't old.

@CrystalSingerFan honestly, I was pleased to speak to her (about her house, her husband’s career, her daughter, her grandsons, her local high street, her friend that she had come with) but as she didn’t even ask my name, I’m not confident it was the start of a blossoming friendship.

Very happy to socialise with older people than myself, but she physically turned her back on me to speak to her friend for the rest of the night and I was sitting at the end of a trestle table so had no one else to speak to.

@Todaytodaytodaytoday Evenings are pretty much all I have

I am you.

Absolutely not going to socialise colleagues and certainly not in a group. Soul destroying. Maybe one of my favourites for a drink but otherwise no!

Mum group friends are awful, I tolerate it once or twice a year for the sake of the kids but it’s so draining when I don’t have anything in common apart from the fact we both got pregnant in the same year.

You’d be much better off picking the most interesting / funny / warm people you know from all of those groups and beyond and focussing them on them. This might not be going out! All my best friends live a long way away so actually planning a chat on the phone is as good as it gets. Get some good banter going with them on on WhatsApp’s.

You have young children and a full time job. You don’t have to have amazing friend right now, you can cultivate them when you have more time. As long as you’re getting some ‘you time’.

Because op is putting up barriers

I have given up on being social now that my children are in secondary school. I felt I had to force myself before but now it won't affect them thank god.

@Ughmusti

Thanks for the update. I'm curious why you think her being 'old' had anything to do with her being apparently self-absorbed and rude. I've met plenty of younger folk who meet that criteria. Shame about the table layout too, by the sounds of it. Good luck.