To have no idea where to start with helping Aunt….?

[WishItWasDifferent25]

Aunt has recently lost her husband. No children. I’m her only niece. She’s not close to my mother. She was completely and totally dependent upon him and hasn’t worked or done anything for herself in years. I’m talking never paid a bill, thought about money etc. He did everything.

He died very quickly and it wasn’t unexpected. But they don’t seem to have done anything to prepare for it. That said she will have a healthy pension, a paid for home and no real money worries as such, but she won’t have a clue how to manage anything. She’s not yet sixty and likely has many years ahead of her.

I don’t want to be a complete witch but my own life is full on and I don’t have the headspace or the inclination to run her life. BUT before I am jumped on I am absolutely willing to help her find her feet, just not to sustain her in it. Is that unreasonable? And then, where do I start? How do you get someone from a place of never having to manage money, never having paid a bill and onto a routine of doing so? What I would love to know is whether there is a middle ground, some manner of supported living short of actual residential care? And how would I find out about such a thing in her area - outside of Stoke. I don’t want her to be alone but that is the default; I can’t emphasise enough how dependent she was on him for everything including no real friends of her own. It all feels so overwhelming!

Oh and to avoid drip feeding, she has some mental health issues and has been sectioned in the past. I’m very worried that, without the right support, she will slide back into that

Devote a few days to helping her. Recently had to do this for a relative. Contact any agencies
that need to be informed of his death . Joint accounts need to be closed and new ones set up on her name only . Credit cards, debit cards etc.Anything that wasn't paid by direct debit set them up . Prescriptions etc.should be up to date . Apply for Council Tax reduction. Car tax , MOT dates , boiler service , get her to put in a calender. She will probably still have to contact you as things crop up but after things are done then it should become a yearly thing that she can refer back to . I did a little manual type thing with phone numbers etc.

If you’re willing to help her initially, you should be able to get all her payments set up and in theory, they should be it. It might take some unravelling though!

When my elderly uncle died suddenly, I had to do it all for my aunt. The bank let us have access to his account so we could pay for the funeral and we just downloaded a list of all his regular payments. We then rang all the companies (using their bereavement line) and one by one transferred them to my aunt’s name and account.

As for assisted living, you could look into a 50+ accommodation for her. If she’s willing to downsize, there are some lovely places where she absolutely could meet new people but also have company and support when she needs it. Look on Rightmove but set your search to ‘retirement properties’.

This is really useful. You can use it to notify most government departments in one go.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

Joint bank accounts don't need to be closed. The bank will just amend the account into her sole name as the survivor. I used to do this when I worked in a bank dealing with deceased customers

Thanks all. I can kind of get my head around the immediate logistics. It’s more the ongoing. How does a person go from never even making themselves breakfast to being able to live independently…. Especially when that person has massively struggled with mental health before

Contact adult social services in Stoke for your aunt.

Why are you doing this?

Even if your mother isn't close to her,it's still a closer relationship and I would expect her to help.

My mother is not a useful person. There is a fair chance she’d make it worse not better. She’s also significantly older than my aunt and not entirely able to look after herself either, but muddles through

It’s probably worth having a chat with the local Adult Social Services team. If she’s vulnerable due to mental health problems, they’ll be able to advise and might even appoint a social worker. If that happens, it’ll open the door to more help and support.