To find someone this agreeable unattractive?

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I have been dating someone for 6 months, however I have started noticing a pattern that is becoming slightly unattractive to me and I don’t know if I’m BU.

I have noticed that they are very agreeable - whatever opinion you have, they agree with and have the exact same opinion. Whatever you say, they want to go along with rather than ever offering a different opinion/option/etc and whenever asked for an opinion on something - either doesn’t know or says everything looks nice/great/etc.

AIBU to find someone like this unattractive and without their own thoughts and a bit of a red flag that they’re probably the kind of person who tends to ‘morph’ into whoever they are dating at the time?

Other examples include suddenly liking the same sort of perfume as me (same sex couple) and starting to wear the same sort of shoes, etc too.

Yeah, I'd hate that and honestly, for me, it would be a bit wet and unattractive

Potentially. I mean it could be that they are a bit dim. Or worse, that they just go along with things because they have zero real personality and just mirror you back at you...which is risky as often this is what abusers do early on.

Has there been any worrying red flags?

Yes I’d be wary of that. Suggests either they are trying to mirror you for one of two reasons - either they are insecure in themselves that they just go along with whatever you say, or they are manipulative and trying to make themselves into who they think you want them to be. The latter is far more worrying but either is problematic. I was married to someone like this, he went along with whatever I wanted initially then suddenly turned the tables and any joint choices were based on what he hated the least 🤔 horrible way to live!

They could be mirroring you to get you hooked on them

this could be a form of love bombing

it is a flag. Possibly red, definitely amber

Yeah I have trouble trusting people like that because I end up wondering what they're really thinking.

You have a people pleaser, methinks.

To me it suggests possibly someone who has been in a controlling relationship previously whether that was romantic/sexual or more like a very strict upbringing or similar. They have learned that having their own opinion/preference is not safe and learned to go along with what they are told. I may of course be wrong but that would be in my thoughts. And having a relationship with a damaged person will be challenging if that's what it turns out to be.

Hmm this would bother me. How do you know who they are?

Until you mentioned the shoes, I was going to ask if this was an online relationship. It sounds like Ai.
I agree this is annoying in a real person.

There has been no other red flags at all really apart from this one issue that’s niggling away at me. She does tend to be a people pleaser - does anything that’s asked of her from family and friends even without it being reciprocated and she did have quite an abusive relationship a few years ago so that makes sense from what PP have said

Depends what you are talking about. Maybe the subjects are dull and they really don't care one way or another.

No it’s literally regarding anything

What you find attractive is not in your control. If you find them unattractive because they don't offer their own opinions that is not unreasonable. Sounds like it's worth telling them. Perhaps they will be surprised you feel this way and make some changes or things about why.

Whether it's a red flag or not, or an indicator of an abusive personality or not... I don't know, that sounds alarmist to me given the amount you've shared! Not having an opinion on what you watch on TV, or whether you get Indian or Chinese food is different to whether they agree with you automatically about wanting kids, or whether you would live abroad, or how much to see your family etc. Those are big life decisions and perhaps you want to know that if you stay together you won't be left having to make them on your own. That is fair enough.

I agree with the comment about family life positively validating agreeableness, it's not a crime but if you were going to stay together you would have to work on it together. At 6 months you might not be up for it, but it you are I'm sure you can do it!

But bottom line, you're allowed to find someone unattractive

Good luck!

I don’t think YABU. It’s annoying when the other person agrees with every single thing you say and leads to decision fatigue really quickly. It makes conversation really difficult when someone just agrees with everything you say, hate it!

Maybe she hasn't spent enough times single (properly single, not even considering dating) after abuse. People lose themselves to it. And they often struggle to find themselves after it. Instead of looking to become themselves and be happy in who they are, they look for validation in a new relationship. Never pausing to find themselves again.

I'd try asking her things like 'what do you want to get from this life?', 'what are your dreams and goals or ambitions moving forwards?'. And 'what role do you see me playing in that future?'. She may have to think on some of those questions.

Because often people who've been through abuse live very much in the now. They just want peace. And they haven't thought further than that. And they're happy to just have peace but, it can also mean they lose out on something more in the pursuit of maintaining that peace.

Does she have any creative hobbies or passions? Career goals?

I’d find it very off putting. It feels rather needy. Does she have her own social life or is she very dependent on you for that?

there's your reason then...

Abusive, people pleaser, avoidance of anything that could cause argument/ergo unhappy 🙁

Therapy? Not sure how they can fix it, I'd not know what to suggest but its going to be encouraging them to be themselves in a safe space ..

I don’t think it’s a red flag just an indicator of someone who is either not very bright or a chronic people pleaser. Either way it would drive me round the bend.

As a PP said the problem with people pleasers is you never know who they really are.

If you find it unattractive, then you're not being unreasonable. When it's comes to what you find attractive, yours is the only opinion that matters.

For what it's worth though, I'd find it deeply off-putting as well. Who on earth wants to go out with someone who's slowly turning into a clone of them.

I used to be like this; I grew up feeling that to be likeable that I should agree with people etc amd it took a long time and feeling very safe in a relationship not to be that way; even now in friendships I can find myself doing that. That said nothing wrong with feeling less attracted to them and you can’t do much about it