To have crippling insecurity I don’t know how to fix

[MrsGee20]

I’m mid 30s, full time job which is going well, one DC. I’m within healthy weight, quite small (5ft2) etc just for context.

But I have crippling insecurity about my appearance. I just hate everything from my nose, my eyes (eyelids are saggy and ageing), hair, chin/neck - just everything! I don’t like anything about myself at all (entire body). If I get photos taken, I hate them and it eats at me for days. I don’t feel clothes sit right on my body, mostly due to my height but I have thick thighs and a lower tummy bulge I haven’t shifted since my c section.

Is anybody like this? Has anybody overcome it? I feel it’s verging on a mental health problem. I feel pathetic but I get so upset and down about my appearance and just feel it takes over my mood far more than it should. Most other women I encounter that are my age have Botox and lip filler etc which I don’t think helps when I see my own face!

Because you focus on it? - not in a good way, if you constantly repeat in your head or verbally, I hate xyz, its fat, skinny, saggi, look at it, how horrible, how can anyone see that and think it's noce, look at the fat, look at the wrinkles, look at the extra skin, look at how horrible it is, my god what a mess, what a state....

Can you not see how damaging that will be? Your brain listens, your self concious because you're doing this and you're doing it all the time about everything.

STOP IT. Everytime you start, STOP. a big red stop sign - visualise it and stop yourself doing it. It'll start again, within seconds, but stop it again, and again and again and again. It'll get easier. Stop it everytime. You need to rewrite the pathways in your brain.

If there is something you can change, through diet, exercise etc - go for it, but if its stuff you can't- like wrinkles - stop berating yourself. You're making yourself worse, and when you realise its you doing it, and only you can STOP doing it, it's a lightbulb moment. You have the power to make a change.

What do you like about yourself? Your list of mid 30s, FT job, DC, healthy weight 5’2 reads like it’s a tick list of things that matter. Yet you must know people who are younger/older, part time or SAHM, thinner, fatter & with more children or none. You must also know there is nothing externally you need to fix and you are right to acknowledge this is about your feelings.

Do you feel able to reflect on where those feelings come from and why you have them? It might be that you need to challenge some of your thoughts and beliefs to feel comfortable. You might also want to consider working with a qualified therapist to help you work through some of this.

I was basically meaning that ‘on paper’ I don’t have much to complain about and I know there will be others who have different insecurities to me, but I just always seem to wonder if they have the same sense of just pure anxiety around how they look.

I think unpicking it is easy: I was bullied by ‘friends’ in my early 20s, subsequently left my friendship group and had a very dark period of feeling very lost and unworthy after that, then never really recovered so haven’t really managed to gain proper friends again, never let myself get close to anyone for fear of the rejection and then now in my mid 30s finding it impossible to. My job is very all consuming and I’m a mum so it’s hard to make friends. I care and worry SO much about what people think of me and how I come across and I think that’s why I’m so bothered and unkind to myself.

Yes I know how damaging it is. It’s so hard not to go down the rabbit hole. By the time I realise, I’ve been awful to myself for ages.

I appreciate it and thank you though, I’m going to try really hard with this.

I know you can’t really help how you feel but some people are genuinely worse off. I woke up 9 months ago with a paralysed face, it’s supposed to be Bell’s palsy but it’s still there 9 months later. I look like a gargoyle, can’t eat properly or talk clearly. My eye won’t close. It’s a complete night mare. I can see all my friends think at least we’re not as badly off as Gold

Somebody else being worse won't help. I'm sorry you are going through that but "whatabout" is just minimising OP experience. Someone having it worse doesn't make yours any less. Otherwise I could tell you - oh you think you've got it bad, whatabout all the starving kids in Africa (i know this isn't true, but I'm using the anecdote that 1000s kids got told in the 80s 90s when they had something to moan about). Feel any better? No? But starving kids???

Again, sorry you go through that, your "friends" are not good.

It's not easy, it's not quick, but try. Goal is 10 minutes, then celebrate, next goal is an hour, then celebrating again (celebrating helps to rewrite those neural pathways)... small goals, achievements keep coming - you're winning, you're doing well. 😀

The thing is that this could happen out of the blue, overnight, to anyone- you, the OP, anyone and if it did the OP would look back at the photos she now finds hideous and wish she looked like that again.

Hey OP. So sorry you're going through this. Your friends' rejection sounds traumatic. Could you get some therapy to work through the impact of that? It should help you see yourself more positively x

I know exactly what you mean and I get why you posted that. So sorry you’re going through this, must be horrible.

My point is slightly different though, I KNOW I shouldn’t feel this way but I do and I can’t help it. I’m looking for ways to get out of this way of thinking/treating myself. It’s been enlightening to hear it’s not that normal or common from the responses.

My husband took a photo of me and my child today. Just showed it to me and then got really angry because I didn’t want it on SM. I haven’t asked him to delete it though? I honestly can’t stand feeling like this anymore, I just look at myself and feel utter hatred and despair 😩

A practical thing is to take 2 steps back from the mirror. It genuinely helps if you're not staring at imperfections in minute detail.

Also focus on what you have that's of worth. Height, weight, appearance etc is not of worth. Focus on your knowledge, expertise, skills.