Do you have triggers. There's an awful lot of mockery about being triggered these days but it's a very real trauma response.
I shall share something I used to do and it looked bad but a therapist explained why I did it. He helped me communicate to DH why I was doing it to him and eventually stop myself from doing it again.
I'm quite fussy about how I like certain foods. Let's say a sandwich. I would communicate my preferences to DH but he would ignore them and make my sandwich his way. It happened many times. I would do my best to eat it and politely ask he did xyz different next time. Next time would come and he did the same thing. After a while I would start shouting immediately when he did the same again, would launch the sandwich at the nearest wall. He still took no notice, so I started literally throwing at his face. With shame, I shared this with my therapist. I didn't know why I did it. I didn't know why I could not stop myself. Yes, I even did it with him in full view of the public to shocked looks. The therapist took a childhood history and told me it had triggered a response from childhood trauma involving feeling unloved, unwanted and ignored. Also, reminded me about a relative who would force me to eat food that made me vomit under threat of psychologically tormentative punishment for not eating it (giving me the silent treatment interspersed with occasional nasty insults and threats of being forced to eat nothing but that food until I no longer objected to said food). The same relative would hold me responsible and use the same punishment when her kids broke the rules, even when I followed her rules, because I should have stopped them as the clever one. She made me the mother figure of children around my own age and younger, with all the responsibility but none of the power of a mum. I was left with a fear of being unheard, disregarded, blamed, of having my feelings pushed aside and having my autonomy removed. This is an example. I have other triggers but they're all based around the same themes. I'm a shouter and a impotent rager. It is in me. I'm not proud of it but it's who I am. Strangely, so was the relative who caused my trauma. I wasn't a shouter when I first met her. I have seeming ASD traits too but am not diagnosed and never will be. I have learned to control myself, the vast majority of the time now, after taking therapy and treating it seriously.
It also turns out I try to take personal responsibility for the actions of everyone around me when they do stuff wrong. Even strangers. As the Americans say, "go figure"🤷🏼♀️. I tend to think I should have predicted what they would do and should have somehow stopped them to prevent ensuing trouble happening. That one is part of having people pleasing tendancies too. Trying to always be the responsible, thoughtful, observant, sensible one. It makes me very angry when people take advantage of that biggest side of me.
I also learned I behave the worst with DH and rarely anyone else because my mind tells me he is my safe person who can be trusted to see the real me still there beneath an unplanned freak out. I've met some truly wonderful people in the NHS who have helped me get over my problems. The help might be a little hard to find but it is there if you are patient. To quote one cardiology nurse who witnessed a minor meltdown in answer to me critising myself as too weird, "ah, don't worry. That's nothing compared to what I've seen. I'm weird too. Everybody is weird in some way. Anyone can lose it in the right circumstances. Life can be too hard sometimes".
I dare say someone will tell me what a terrible person I am but I've learned not to really give things so much headspace any more. I apologise and really mean it if I lose my new found self-control. If anyone I may have upset can't accept an sincere sorry, they can sod off. My days of dwelling on these things in the quiet moments are pretty much gone.
I've shared this with you because I used to feel very bad about myself too. I hope you could make some sense of it as it's a bit garbled. I've got a headache at the moment.
Have another try with therapy maybe. Really get stuck in. If I can do it, so can you.