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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Menopause? Partners? AIBU????

23 replies

BeWittyTurtle · 09/05/2025 10:43

Hi lovely people,

I’ll keep it brief. I’m in early menopause and have no local friends at all, and only one friend who isn’t local so I don’t have anyone I can talk to stuff like this about.

I love my partner to death- but there are some days where he just drives me insane, or I don’t want as many kisses or cuddles as he wants to give. If I say anything it becomes a big battle- he’ll still keep making the approaches on a case by case basis. So rather than hearing ‘aaaarrrgh, I’m all touched out, I love you but I need some space,’ he hears it as I don’t want that exact affection but he’ll try again a minute later In a slightly different way. No amount of conversations change anything.

He says he’s never experienced anyone being like this before and that it’s likely my trauma from the past.

AIBU? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

OP posts:
Ahsheeit · 09/05/2025 10:51

He's not listening to you and trampling all over your boundaries. He's only thinking about his own needs. I couldn't deal with this crap. It's not you, it's him, Mr McFeelyhands.

randomchap · 09/05/2025 11:38

Have a proper sit down talk with him not when your both stressed/angry

He needs to learn how to express his affection in new ways while you're going through this.

owlexpress · 09/05/2025 11:41

Menopause or not, you have the right to refuse physical touch whenever you want. Sounds like he needs a reminder about consent.

Do you spend a lot of (?too much) time together? It may help to try to spend more time apart, get some space.

JacquesHarlow · 09/05/2025 12:14

Ahsheeit · 09/05/2025 10:51

He's not listening to you and trampling all over your boundaries. He's only thinking about his own needs. I couldn't deal with this crap. It's not you, it's him, Mr McFeelyhands.

Wow

menopausalfart · 09/05/2025 12:35

I've seen this a lot on menopause groups.There's a Facebook group about menopause for men to join. He needs to be educated about what happens to us and what we go through when our hormones are all over the place.

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 09/05/2025 12:41

If he thinks it's likely trauma from your past instead of menopause, you need to tell him to read up on it.

Padamae · 09/05/2025 12:48

Exactly this….. if no one ever touched me again I would be perfectly happy!

ItGhoul · 09/05/2025 12:57

This isn’t a menopause problem, it’s a partner problem. He’s being a complete arsehole.

I’m not menopausal and I’m feeling claustrophobic just reading your post. It is totally normal and fine for anyone, of any age, not to want be hugged and touched sometimes and it is not OK for other people to keep demanding it of them. Your partner is a needy, pushy twat who ignores your boundaries and then acts like you’re the problem. Ugh.

Original poster
BeWittyTurtle · 09/05/2025 13:03

cleowasmycat · 09/05/2025 12:47

I can’t take it as I had treatment for breast cancer 10 years ago

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 09/05/2025 13:09

It’s him overstepping your boundaries.

I’m peri-menopausal and 8 years post breast cancer. I don’t want to be touched as much, certainly not in a sexy way. My DH would never push things if I told him to stop,

Duechristmas · 09/05/2025 17:47

You're reactions are entirely normal and he needs to support you. Get him some education even if it's aTV programs, he's got a few years ahead of him yet!

Hatty65 · 09/05/2025 18:06

Jesus Christ. He sounds a nightmare.

If I'd told him 'I don't want touching at the moment,' and he tried again a minute later I'd have punched him in the face.

And yes. That's menopausal rage, not previous trauma.

Missingpop · 09/05/2025 18:26

Your not alone; I have days when I can’t bear having anyone near me; my husband jokes I’m like Jekyll & Hyde some days I’m affectionate other days I’m like a ranting lion come near me & I’ll bite your head off, but don’t suffer in silence have a chat with your GP; there are some got products that you can use to help you through these days even if HRT isn’t on your horizon there’s other stuff available

Helen483 · 09/05/2025 20:45

Oh wow, can I swap with you please 😁

My partner is the strong silent type. I know he loves me - he shows it in the things he does for me (without comment or complaint and often without being asked) ... but I practically have to beg for physical affection ☺️

Lourdes12 · 09/05/2025 21:02

I think my DH must be going trough menopause

JJMama · 10/05/2025 12:38

I would hate this, nothing to do with menopause, just someone in my face and touching me constantly would drive me insane!

Why is he not respecting your boundaries?

If he thinks it’s due to past trauma then why on earth does he think it’s okay to disrespect you?

Being constantly in my face and needy would be a deal breaker for me I’m afraid. Let alone anything to do with the menopause.

MinnieMountain · 10/05/2025 14:30

There’s no such thing as the male menopause @Lourdes12 .

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/05/2025 17:58

Hi 👋🏼 I hope you see this. Apologies in case anyone else has suggested this, I didnt RTFT before commenting but anything meno/perimeno related especially with the male species I always recommend the Davina McCall's documentary on the All4 app.
So informative and I honestly think that everyone should see it. Especially spouses and kids (obvs not young young) to understand why mum is like this and how to support.

In 2022 I thought I had early onset dementia because the brain fog had become so bad. It was truly scary and I had a rage with my kids that I just couldn't cope with.
I watched the documentary and one of the ladies documented said that she thought that she had early onset dementia. I rewound it and told my DP, listen to this!!!
His mind was blown and it did us both very well to watch it.

Good luck x

Mygrandkidsaregreat · 10/05/2025 22:33

I agree!

Alwaysthebridesmaidpassmethewine · 12/05/2025 11:20

menopausalfart · 09/05/2025 12:35

I've seen this a lot on menopause groups.There's a Facebook group about menopause for men to join. He needs to be educated about what happens to us and what we go through when our hormones are all over the place.

Hi could you post the link or the name of the group please?

menopausalfart · 12/05/2025 11:33

@Alwaysthebridesmaidpassmethewine

https://www.facebook.com/groups/901582327827294

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