Son not spending fathers day with awful father

[Mummaonherown]

My ex has pretty much disappeared off the scene since he got with his new GF, met in November, moved in with her and her 3 DD in march. He has seen our son twice in 2 months (no overnight contact) totalling 10 hours. He was supposed to see him last Sunday, but never turned up, I since found out that he was helping his gf arrange DD 3rd bday party on bank holiday Monday.
He hasn't paid for him since 6th December I have a CMS claim ongoing but since he's fraudulently claiming UC (he's working, just not declaring income, paid straight into bank account) they can't touch him until benefit fraud investigates (which I believe they are now)

Anyway, that's the backstory, he's asked if he can have our son on father's day "to celebrate the day with him and gf DD"
I haven't answered yet, but I don't see why I should let my son go, I don't see whats to celebrate.
He doesn't call our son, my son asked this morning "where is daddy?" He said he's got no credit to call, but I'm sure he's got money for the gym and food
He refuses to do medation, he said to me on Sunday "your not in control, I am and I will do what I want"
My son had an eye injury last week, which led to a visit to moorfields eye hospital, I text my ex at 8.40am to say what happened. I didn't hear from him until 1.20pm he ignored my 2 calls and despite living 30 mins from the hospital, he didn't move (previously he always came to hospital if we had to go)
No interest in attending son's last parents evening at nursery last week (he starts school in September)
No contact unless I ask/instigate it
No routine/schedule in place, if I do a schedule he doesn't stick to it.

I've come to realise I'm a lone parent and that's fine.
But AIBU for my son not spending fathers day with this useless piece of shit.
He also said "it was none of my concern if he was being a dad to his GF's children" I don't think the real father is around, my ex moved in after 5 months

you have a regular contact schedule? tell him your son is available for that. Keep a record of when he turns up/doesn't turn up.

if that covers father's day, well and good, if not? you could ask your son, but generally tough luck.

CM payments are irrelevant here (because not pay-per-view) but it does paint a picture of the type of dad he is pretending to be to his gf

@Brefugee no regular contact schedule, I've tried many times I said every week (Sunday) but he doesn't stick to it.
My son is 4, so he will say yes but I just don't see why he should be celebrated on this day, he doesn't provide, support or parent in anyway.

His gf knows he's not paying me, apparently he's not paying a penny into her household either (this is what he told me, but could be a lie) I don't think it bothers her that he doesn't pay for his son.

But the bottom line is he is your child's father and your child wishes to see him. So you have to put your feelings aside and let your son see him.

I woulf say yes for the sake of your child but don’t tell your child and have alternative plan if he doesn’t turn up.

You say why should he have the child on Father's Day but unfortunately the useless man IS his father. Your little boy did not choose him, you did. If he wants to spend Father's Day with his dad, you should let him. As he gets older he will realise what his father is and make his own choice whether to see him.

@Dreichweather I don't tell my son anything anymore as he lets him down so often. He was supposed to take him swimming last Sunday, told him he was going to on the phone last week Tuesday, then never showed up.
I asked him if he was seeing him this Sunday, he said 'no" and then asked if he could have him on father's day as it was a Sunday and 'his day"

He does nothing, the day isn't about my son it's about having a meal with his gf and her DD and my son being a accessory

Ah so he's a Facebook Dad...the type who don't pay towards their child's upkeep, don't see their children much, take little to no interest and let them down when it suits, but like to post photos of 'me and my boy' at Christmas & Fathers Day so their deadbeat 'you ok hun' type mates can tell them what a great parent they are, how well they are bringing them up and how lucky their child is to have them etc etc

However, as your child is only 4 he won't see any of this, so I would say yes to the visit, but don't tell your son in case he let's him down (probably won't because 'photo opportunity'). You Son will work out for himself what kind of parent he is eventually. What you don't want is for your Son to ever blame you for the lack of relationship when Dad says "I wanted to see you more, but your Mum wouldn't let me".

My dad was useless for a significant portion of my childhood, but I still wanted to see him. Only time my mum stopped me is when he was so irresponsible it was a legitimate danger to me. I am very grateful she facilitated contact even tho he made it hard sometimes because I have some cherished childhood memories.

Hand him over for father's day and do something nice for yourself during the day. Doesn’t have to be big, but if you can afford it and want to then maybe go to a spa or have a home spa day? Ensure you have a back up plan of something to do with your son in case his useless farther doesn’t turn up or ditches last minute.

Unfortunately, he is his father and there’s no changing that now. Your son will probably realise when he gets older what his dad is like, but for now it’s best to just try and make there relationship as good as possible. I know it’s not fair that you have to be the facilitator, but it’s for your sons sake.

@RunningJo yep, I'm pretty sure he's told everyone I've stopped him from being a dad.
I set up medation a few times, he initially said yes but then refused to engage. I never stopped contact, even with the lack of financial support. I was the one chasing him for days/times he wouldn't confirm, ignores texts or calls. He literally does what he wants and I have to live with it, he's making my life hell.
However I have been able to shield my son from it all, nursery and health visitor are aware and have always praised me for me doing so.

He is useless, yes I choose the man I thought he was but if I knew how bad he would be, I would have never taken my knickers off to him, not once!
I said to him, if you are taking him on father's day, will you be attending the fathers day tea at DS nursery on 13th (3.00-4.30) he said no, he's never been to one of them despite my son's friends at nursery having their dads there, I usually go in his place. I think my son would want him to go to nursery rather than share his dad at a restaurant with people he doesn't really know.

If your son is asking for his daddy, I’d facilitate that tbh, even knowing full well he’s a dick.

Just agree
Lkelly he won't turn up anyway
. Keep records of when he does or doesn't ring... And non shows record every detail

I would agree but tell him that the constant letting your son down and rarely seeing him is really affecting him and he needs to have a consistent schedule in place as sporadic contact is harming him.

@nutbrownhare15 I have numerous times, that's why I tried to go through mediation which he refused to do.
I can't communicate with him, he puts the phone down or ignores me.
He doesn't care

I have zero experience of this. Can you go to court and get a court ordered schedule?

keep records of his texts, calls and no shows, whatever. If he comes at you, or anyone comes at you with "you're blocking him" ask them if they want to see the evidence (you don't have to show it) and end the conversation.

@Brefugee I'm saving for court fees now, I'm 100% sure he won't come to court but I've been told to do it, the judge will rule in my favour.

I've been told to stop calling him (he said this) as it's "coming in between his relationship" (he's been with her 6.5 months) I hardly call him now, and when I do, he puts the phone down but he told me he thinks he's a good father.

I'm drained, he's making my life so difficult.

Can you set up an email dedicated to discussing arrangements?, you don’t need to call him then, other than in the unlikely event of an emergency.
Its all in writing then too

@RunningJo I set up a co parenting app for him, even set up the email address as he claimed he didn't have one, refused to use it.

My friend gave me her old phone to use for communication so he knows it's to do with our son or my son calling. The calls are rare I prefer to text so I have something to refer back to. She's now told him to tell me to stop calling, so I will.

Christ on an actual bike - he’s a dickhead isn’t he. Sorry it’s all so crap for you x

@Mummaonherown

Frankly, I'd ignore him at this point. Chances are he won't keep after you about it.

My BFF had similar and that's what she did, simply didn't reply right away to anything he asked and she never tried to arrange anything. If he did get a bug up his ass and insist, she'd agree to a time that worked for her but never said a word to their son. 90% he was a no show, the 10% he did show it was a 'nice' surprise for their son.

If you do say 'no' to his FD request don't be doing it to 'punish' him, do it because he's unreliable and repeatedly fails to show and so disappoints your son. But that knowledge is to kept to yourself, no point in telling him anyway.

To all her son's questions about his dad BFF simply said "I don't know". No criticism, no excuses just "I don't know".

Don't call him any more, @Mummaonherown . He's asked you not to and it's not appropriate. Apart from anything else, if you're aiming to go to court, you need evidence - email or messages. Up to him if he doesn't engage with that. That's your proof. I would say DS is available for contact on Sundays from x to y time. Message me by Friday to arrange collection if you plan to see him. You have my absolute sympathy - you and your DS - what an absolute waste of space your ex is.

Yes I would send him. Get your son to draw him a picture instead of a card and a present.

My thinking is that he can’t have a card saying “best dad” because he isn’t but he can have a homemade drawing.

He is offering your son so little you can’t say no to that (in my opinion) He wants him for Father’s Day. He doesn’t deserve him but your son deserves to have a day with his dad.

I do know how you feel as my son’s dad is crap as well. He didn’t turn up to hospital when my son had a head injury from a car accident many years ago.
He lives and hour and ten minutes away and has a car. My boys are teenagers now and they still see him and talk on the phone occasionally but they clearly think he is a bit of a crap dad because he is. I think it would be a lot more upsetting for them if they had no contact at all.

So all you can do is carry on being the best mum. I think that means sending him on Father’s Day along with a picture so your son has something to give him but you haven’t wasted your money. For Mother’s Day you do something special with your son. Start your own tradition where you make breakfast together or feed the ducks or whatever.

Just my opinion but it’s worked for me and my sons in a similar situation.

@bigboykitty this is it, 2 weeks he was trying it on with me, telling me "he might leave his gf and come back home" a week later he asked me for money and I told him to fuck off, since then he's gone back to "I don't care about you, leave me alone, your coming between my relationship when you call, my gf doesn't like it"
He changes his mind like the wind, he offered to cheat with me 2 weeks ago, his actual words were " I want a relationship with you where we talk and get along and occasionally have sex" I told him where to go. .

I rang this afternoon to ask him if he would be calling our son, so I knew the time, that's when he switched.

He said he would call at 7, he hasn't.
I log everything, I have to as he denies and tries to gaslight me

Oh - that's a whole other layer of difficulty. You don't need to ring him to make arrangements. That's his job. You just need to make DS available within reason. The best way to log anything is in writing and you can print off. Call logs don't give any content, obviously.