AIBU about what I’m reading online about my family member?

[FamilyReunion]

I and SIL are part of a large private group on Facebook, thousands of people. A lot go anon and post questions similar to here. AIBU to be raging that she has posted a reply to a member giving advice and adding unkind things about my DB and my nephew? They are recently separated after a short marriage. My DBs mental health is fragile atm and I’m torn between what to do. I’m worried in case someone else tells him about it and I’m worried about her reaction if I call her out.

What relation is she to him? If he is her ex then I don’t think you can police her words, no matter how upset you feel, and I am sorry as it’s hard to deal with people talking crap about those you love, but if they are separated and she’s venting then that is just part of life I am afraid providing she’s not breaking any laws.

Can you check the group rules? Most I'm in have very strict rules about how you discuss other people.

I guess it depends on what she’s said. Her talking about her ex husband is probably ok but mentioning her child is quite unusual, unless your nephew isn’t her son?

I suppose it depends what she said. It sounds like it's essentially an open forum and she is allowed to post what she likes. People post all the time about their own situations but it's obviously not pleasant to read something negative about yourself or someone you care about but you can't really do anything. If she was really nasty or hateful then you may have grounds to report it.

If she’s posting in a large social media group of people who are unlikely to know her personally, and referring to “my ex” or “my former step son” and her perception of their generally shitty behaviour when she was in a relationship with them or whatever, then let it go. There’s every chance your brother is making equally uncharitable comments about his ex if he belongs to any groups or forums, or to his mates, and it sucks that relationships have to end with such bitterness, but often it’s just how it goes.

If she’s naming names or making unfounded accusations then by all means send her a private message advising that she doesn’t make any statements she wouldn’t be prepared to defend if taken to task for slander.

It might make unpleasant reading, but it also maybe her lived experience that she’s discussing, surely she’s allowed to discuss her life experiences with others 🤷‍♀️

If she's on Mumsnet and you've recognised her then the only way he finds out is if you tell him

It’s hard for me to say without it being too outing. Along the lines of knowing it wasn’t right before the marriage and regrets for the son as she would like to have the old life back. The way she speaks to both of them is often disrespectful even in front of others but the things she’s saying seem quite personal for all to see.

She isn’t necessarily pointing out things he’s done specifically wrong. He’s very much present for them both still and they have still being doing things as a family. He doesn’t do social media or texting really. I’m well aware of what men can be like but he’s the type that keeps things in.

Stay well out of it.

You would have to be batshit crazy to think any good will come out inserting yourself into this.

And you shouldn't be anywhere near a group giving advice if you think doing so is a good idea.

I'd stay out of it. Just leave the group.

But it’s a large anonymous group on SM. There’s nothing to identify him, unless she’s using his RL name and identifying details.

I don’t think any good will come out of it, that’s exactly my point! It doesn’t stop it feeling wrong what she’s doing. She’s not anonymous on the group and her Facebook is open for anyone to see, her profile photo is still of them together. My only concern is my DB seeing it or being told about it and him not being resilient enough right now to deal with it. The posting has been going on sporadically for several months now and I just worry about him is all.

I didn’t know if you meant Mumsnet or the group she’s posting on. The group is on Facebook and members can see each other unless they choose to post or comment anonymously which she doesn’t so very easily identifiable.

I’m sorry, but she’s perfectly entitled to talk about her experiences and feelings about her marriage as much she likes. I appreciate you’re worried about your brother but he’s unlikely to know about this unless you tell him, so keep schtum and just leave the group. Nobody is obliged to be silent about their experiences. It’s not like she’s posted a link to his profile.

I think perhaps you’re a bit over-involved in this.

Thank you for your opinion.

I wouldn’t say I’m over involved at all, as I say it’s been going on a while. Of course she’s entitled to say what she likes, I’m not disputing that, but I feel she could be a bit more respectful. Hopefully their son doesn’t have to see the things that’s been written in years to come. At least other people on the forum go anonymous and at least have some sense.