Worried

[12345H]

Sister (younger) has met a new partner (considerably older) who had a violent and criminal past including drugs. Family don’t seem to wish to address any of this and continue to invite him to events and go on holiday together. He has just recently been charged with another drug offence to which no one will acknowledge. I don’t wish to associate with him and feel uneasy having my children around such company. My family will however see this as stuck up and rude - why is no one willing to even speak of this situation!

You could apply on your sister's behalf under Clare's Law. The police will make a disclosure to her if there's anything in his past which means she is at risk. You might feel she knows it all but I would do one anyway.

It's okay for you to set your own boundaries about who you want in your life (or not).

His criminal past is in the media so I know my family and sister are already aware. Regarding his most recent drug crime, I eventually asked is this him in the paper recently - same name, address and age and they said no, it’s not. I know it is, but they will not acknowledge it! I know my own boundaries are important and I will be maintaining them but I feel like I am the unreasonable one.

What's in the media is likely not the whole of it. You are not being unreasonable. If he has violence against partners in his past then your sister is gravely at risk. That is specifically what I would want her to know and why I would do a Clare's law. It's an online form and about 15 mins to apply. Once again you are NOT being unreasonable.

Of course it is him as you know. Papers don't get this wrong without having to pay large sums of money for defamation.

Could it be someone with the same name, age and address? Highly unlikely!

Men have an insidious way of convincing people that their crimes are over reported, exaggerated and taken out of context.

I reported a sexual assault, which went to court. He plead guilty and went to jail. Somehow, I’m the bad guy. His nearest and dearest can’t believe everything he’s been through because of evil, evil me.

It’s likely she’s in deep believing how he twists things. Especially if it involves any violence against women. I would still do the Claire’s Law, and hope one day she sees reason.

I wouldn’t stand by and support the relationship and I wouldn’t want to be around anybody who thought it was acceptable behaviour either.

Your family have very poor judgement.

Why would you care if the people see you as stuck up and rude, are the kind of people who welcome such a man into the family?

Thank you for some perspective. The gaslighting surrounding men and their behaviour in my family can be the off the scale. This just beyond comprehension. I have DS and I don’t wish for them to be around such poor role models.

I suppose because they are my family but I understand your point and I know that I am not unreasonable nor stuck up - I just want better for my children and for my family.

I would just say the truth and accept the fall out.

I have a very dear cousin who is in an abusive relationship and everyone pretends they don’t notice. Well, her partner knows exactly what we (me, my mother, my siblings) think of him.

You are also family, do they care how it impacts you? Do they care what you think of them?

If you want better for your family, keep your distance.