Was I unreasonable to suggest my mum consider moving closer to me?

[PiddlingInMyPants]

My mum lives 200 miles away from me in the house I grew up in.

She's in poor health. She can't do day-to-day tasks herself very easily. She's technologically incompetent and refuses to learn.
So her house is going to shit because she can't clean it properly and because things are breaking but she can't easily replace them.

She insists she's "not that bad" and won't entertain the idea of a help. I help where I can but I work full-time. Plus, there has to be some give and take and on lots of things she's not willing to meet half-way, such as learning to use the internet.

Given her poor health, she doesn't go out much.
Her brother and one of her sisters live close by. Her brother is terminally ill. She meets up with her sister a few times a year.

I gently suggested that she considers moving closer to me.
I completely understand it'd be a huge undertaking for her.
But I said I'd handle the practical side of things - packing up her house, solicitors, processes etc.
I said I'd take out a mortgage in my name for her. I said I'd give her money for a house.

If she moved closer, she could get out more with me.
I'd be on-hand for day-to-day things.
I know lots of tradespeople and other services she'd benefit from whereas I can organise them for her from afar.
Where I live is also far nicer than where she is.

I don't think it was an unreasonable suggestion but my mum's taken umbridge like I've suggested she give me a kidney just for shits and giggles.

Sorry, maybe I am BU. I just need to rant - struggling with dealing with my mum alone TBH.

What would you say if someone asked you to move away from the house and life you’ve lived in for the past 20/30/40 years just because you’ve gotten older. Might be worth a care assessment to see if there is support for her and the things she needs help with but totally understand her reticence to move.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable BUT I don’t think your mum is either.

It’s a really difficult situation and we went through it with my grandmother. She could not continue to live where she did really because she couldn’t be independent, she needed help day to day and nobody lived near her to be able to provide that help, and she refused to have carer’s in to bridge the gap. We suggested her moving closer so that all the kids & grandkids were available to help/visit more and she reacted similarly to your mum initially.

We weren’t unreasonable to ask, but it is a difficult thing to accept that you need help and it is also hard to give up everything you know and that is familiar and move. It’s far more than just packing up boxes it’s the acceptance emotionally that you need help, the loss of independence and space you knew etc. It’s not easy for anyone.

FWIW my gran did end up moving, now lives close by and she is so happy with that decision. Somebody pops in to see her at least once every single day between all the kids & grandkids whereas before it was really only at the weekend she had any company so it was worth it.

Moving house is stressful expensive and exhausting even for young people. You might promise to do it all but that’s not really possible.

if she’s lived in her house all her life she knows how it all works (or not works). She’s also got siblings near her.

people as they get older do reach a point where a house move just isn’t a realistic prospect.

It's not an unreasonable ask but she might be old enough that moving from an area where she's lived for many years could affect her in every way. She has family and possibly friends there and she might be one of those people that is not very adaptable and needs familiarity. Moving is a very, very stressful event, it's way up there on the list of life stressors.

Do you have space to host her for a while? Maybe if she came to stay and got to know people/the area a bit it might be easier for her to consider. Asking her to up sticks and jump in blind to a new life is a lot to consider.

I don't think she is upset that you have asked, I think she is upset with the notion that she is getting old, her family are dying and she is becoming more vulnerable and frail. It is a big thing to get your head around when you have always seen yourself as strong and capable.

Thank you everyone for your insights.

We can't host her, no. Our house is up some steps and our bathroom's upstairs which she couldn't manage.

@SausageMonkey2 It's not just because she's gotten older. She's not actually that old.
It's because of poor and declining health, impaired mobility and isolation.

While, as @Octavia64 said, moving isn't a realistic possibility, neither is her staying in that house. She'll have to move a some point. My proposition is that we do it now while her health is stable rather than later when it'll be even harder or when she's forced by a medical episode or the like.

She definitely wouldn't go for a care assessment or similar. She was a care assistant her whole working life, she's very resistant to engaging with that system.

A friend did exactly this. Moved her mum from 150 miles away to just around the corner. Mum was happy to though. But what happened was daughter was phoned most days to fetch milk, bread or whatever. Mum made no attempt to integrate into the community and became heavily reliant on daughter’s support and company even though she was very able. Daughter worked full time and spent weekends doing stuff for her mum. After 6 months mum wanted to go ‘home’. But of course couldn’t.