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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that parents get to make decisions on their own time

34 replies

boymum1111 · 08/05/2025 11:57

currently battling with ex wife wanting to dictate all childcare arrangements and activities for children on Dads time. Court order in place finalised in February stipulating contact arrangements. No safeguarding concerns, children are all happy and well cared for. She won't stop causing arguments and wanting a say in what we do at weekends and after school. How can we stop this? when DH ignores her he gets accused of being uncooperative and not working together for the children. He has PR so it's up to him but she has issue with everything, what they eat, what they wear, where we go with them, who picks them up from nursery and school. She won't leave us alone and is involving the children now telling them she knows what's best for them and they're missing out on so much. Lots of emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. Bloody nightmare!

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 09/05/2025 04:11

So a court order has been made splitting time. If she books anything on your husbands time now, log it on the app asking why she booked x on his dates without consulting him and just politely confirm it isn’t possible for child to attend. She’ll soon stop doing it when she’s paying for things and don’t go. She’s using it as a manipulation tool.

Totally ignore requests for quiet weekends and bedtime schedules. A standard reply of “it is my court ordered time and I shall care for the children as is appropriate to their needs” every single time. It will get boring if he doesn’t engage.

NoBots · 09/05/2025 04:44

Split time doesn’t mean split the child. You can’t expect to have no consistency for the child between homes. Clearly you think this caused you inconveniences and you do not put this kid interest in mind, whatever reason might you paint.

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/05/2025 04:50

boymum1111 · 08/05/2025 20:21

I think some of you have misunderstood and got quite defensive which is quite telling, this isn't about extra curricular activities or birthday party's / clubs. I'm talking about day to day parental responsibilities. She wants to plan the children's activities on Dh time, ie they need to go swimming this weekend (not a club) or they must have a quiet weekend after a busy week at school, must not shower or bathe them too often, must be in bed by 7, sends clothes for them to wear that we don't need, (not allowed to wear crocs we buy) children not allowed pudding, grandparents not allowed to collect from school / nursery.

And for clarity we have 2 of our own children that are healthy, well fed and thriving will all sorts of school clubs and play dates. Life is full on and we manage well. All the children are very happy . And to add yes mum has signed them up for something every weekend without prior discussion and already booked clubs in the summer holiday for them on Dh's time without discussion which we now have to navigate and organise our entire family around. It's exhausting-I'm a mum too and feel like she's calling the shots in our home. We end up doing things separately at times because of things our children want to do clash with things she's either booked for them or got them excited about. She will not facilitate any clubs like brownies in the village where we live that fall on her days though so we have double standards. Children have told us that we're not their 'real' family and Dh doesn't love them like she does. So yes there is more to it and there are more details.

I was hoping someone might be able to point me towards some relevant legislation or guidance to support Dh's parental rights during his contact. There isn't anything I can find legally as it's pretty
much a given that the parent that is responsible for them makes decisions about how that time is spent and what is in the children's best interests. And again-there are no safeguarding concerns whatsoever.

Bearing in mind your OP contained no details, the fact you have described perfectly reasonable questions from PP as “defensive” is also “quite telling”.

Excellent advice from PP re stop playing games and trying to get one up. There’s young children in the middle here and gamesmanship isn’t fair on them.

JoyousEagle · 09/05/2025 06:13

I don’t know why you’re organising around the holiday clubs she’s booked on your DH’s time. I would ignore that booking - it’s not a regular club that you’re refusing to take them to, and if it doesn’t work for your plans, I wouldn’t do it.

KurtShirty · 09/05/2025 07:07

The threshold for safeguarding issues is astronomically high, just because the court have said this does not mean that the mother may not have genuine concerns about the children whilst in your care. Something like going to bed at a different time, issues around diets oand the other things you mentioned can be hugely disruptive, court would not describe this as a safeguarding concern yet it might have a significant impact on children.

Your claim that the mother is fabricating illnesses is extremely serious and I suspect if you took a less hostile view of her you may not frame it like this. I also strongly suspect that the medical professionals see has interacted with during these times have not accused her of this, because I think you would’ve shared that in the OP.

It seems you are also embroiled in the conflict. If the children have picked up on this, they will resent you and your DP for it, as much as they will resent their mother for any snide remarks she may make. I’d say this from experience, both as a parent and as a child.

it’s incredibly hard. The courts are not going to sort this out, every time you go the conflict will get higher and everybody, not just the children, will be hurt by it.

my advice is to lean into reassurance, kindness, and trying to take heat out of this situation as much as you can. It’s the opposite of how you feel I understand, but it’s such a powerful thing to do. being polite, being kind, saying nice things to the kids about their mother, and trying to understand her anxiety, rather than dismissing and trying to shut her out.

You are tied to together while raising these kids, this is just pragmatic. Doesn’t mean you have to be doormats but if you can approach interactions with warmth and understanding you may find things get easier

BellissimoGecko · 09/05/2025 07:11

Can your h use a parenting app? So all comms are limited to it? He should also tell his ex only to contact him if it’s an emergency. Mind you, she sounds batshit, So will she listen?!

He should tell her once and for all that you and he will decide what to do with the dcv on your time, and she should butt out.

She sounds really hard to deal with, op, you have my sympathy.

plantsnpants · 09/05/2025 16:37

I agree if it’s about their hobbies or sports clubs- staying in routine but actually apart from that it’s down to you.

bed time is different- as keeping the up late is unfair on the kid as they can’t cope the following day

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/05/2025 21:11

@mathanxiety I agree with you. Such an internalized sexist trop to have a stab at her having time with her boyfriend.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/05/2025 21:13

Temporaryname158 · 09/05/2025 04:11

So a court order has been made splitting time. If she books anything on your husbands time now, log it on the app asking why she booked x on his dates without consulting him and just politely confirm it isn’t possible for child to attend. She’ll soon stop doing it when she’s paying for things and don’t go. She’s using it as a manipulation tool.

Totally ignore requests for quiet weekends and bedtime schedules. A standard reply of “it is my court ordered time and I shall care for the children as is appropriate to their needs” every single time. It will get boring if he doesn’t engage.

She might be, or a child might really want to go to eg Saturday morning football with all his friends from school, look forward to it all week and feel really left out if his stepmother and father stop him going, the dad needs to be child focused especially as they get towards secondary school.

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