When is it ok to distance yourself from a sibling?

[kindnessforthewin]

Have a couple of other quite detailed posts on here and there is a lot of history but I won’t go into all the detail or this will be just as long.

I do not see DS changing. I have two DCs (2.5, 7 months). I have told her repeatedly I am at capacity.

She asked to move in when DC2 was 7 weeks. Her awful ex threw her out of his place onto the street after a row, what an awful thing to do, but sadly the writing was on the wall and I fear she was pushing to move in with him when he didn’t want her to. She told me ‘I’ve not been home in months’ as in our family home as she refused to rent, then she told me she had moved in but was using the key box, then he threw her out.

I’ve had her live with me before after her last breakup, she was so ungrateful, awful in fact and I swore never again.

6 months on (8 years on?!) and I’m afraid her behaviour is getting worse. So is her depression but I fear I will carry her forever. I just want to distance myself now. She is rock bottom so it feels awful but she puts enormous pressure on me.

I put the kids down to sleep last week and she asked to borrow something (this is typical) then spent a long time crying to me about her life, I was just so drained and had nothing to give as many parents would relate to at 7.30pm. I messaged her after to say I’m drained and her response… ‘it’s disgusting you say you can’t be there for me as you have a family, I am your family you should prioritise me’.

When I said she contacts me every single day and invites herself round several times a week despite me making clear this is not a drop in house; she said ‘lots of my friends speak to their sisters daily’. This however is not the relationship we have, nor anyone in our family, we aren’t a close knit one. It just suits her. She likes my life but I’ve worked very hard to create my life and she bats away any advice I give her to build hers. Just wants to piggyback mine and I fear her life will never change.

Stop engaging. Don't answer calls or texts. If she comes round tell her it isn't convenient and shut the door.

I’d just stop replying to her calls & texts.

she’s never going to sort her life out whilst she’s getting unlimited sympathy.

You’ve posted about your sister a lot and I don’t think the advice is going to change - your sister sounds obsessive and clingy and exceptionally self-centred and you do need to distance yourself from her. She’s not your child. You are not responsible for her.

your sister sounds obsessive and clingy and exceptionally self-centred and you do need to distance yourself from her. She’s not your child. You are not responsible for her

Great advice

Whatever you do will be wrong, so you might as well do what's best for you.

Cut her off. Even temporarily if that sits better with you. Send her a text saying you don't have the energy to deal with her right now so you're taking a break.

Stop answering the phone to her. Leave her messages unread. Mute or block if you want. Don't answer the door to her. Anything that arrives by post, throw it straight in the bin.

Your sister hates boundaries and will certainly kick-off. All you have to do is stick to your guns.

You might benefit from some counselling if you can access talking therapies through your GP.

We can't choose our family, but we can choose to walk away from them.

You've posted repeatedly about this and the replies remain the same. Only you can change this by cutting contact or reducing your availability to your sister.

Her behaviour probably won't change. I mean, it might, one day, but you can't put your life on hold waiting for it.

Yes, you've done some other posts on this, but, gently, you're not really saying anything new and I don't think you're going to get any different advice. You can't control her actions, you can only control your own. You seem very stuck on the idea that you have to fix her, that you have to get her to accept your advice and get her to see your point of view on how she acts etc. and that you can't act differently unless she accepts that decision. Nothing will change until you let that idea go. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them, whether she likes / accepts it or not. Decide how often and for how long you will see her, stick to it, don't budge. There is no magic spell for changing her, and no matter how many times you post, restating the same problem in slightly different words, nobody will give you one. She is what she is. If you don't drop the rope, she will spoil your life as well as her own. You just have to let it go. Maybe one day she will realize that the common factor in all her broken relationships is her, and change. But you can't make her.

She sounds like an energy vampire, take, take, take and no give. My brother went through a bad patch (partly of his own making) and the immense stress it created in my life caused me health issues, I got CFS/ME because of it and five years later I still don't have a life because I'm still ill. Be very careful about how much you let people take from you, it really can actually make you sick and your children need you to be healthy and well (mentally too) for them.

Exactly this. I feel mentally unwell because it’s been such a burden, especially these past few years.

I had mixed advice on here about cutting her off vs just seeing her every so often. My DH thinks it’s a mistake to distance myself. Don’t think he knows how much she affects me and how much I worry I will never truly be able to live my life without her draining me. I finally shook off my Mum who put me through hell my entire life, and now I have my sister.

Don't make the mistake I made. If I was you I would start with a really firm boundary, one phone call a week and no visits. I'd tell her you need to take time for yourself because your mental health isn't good and that's all you can offer her for now and she can choose to take it or leave it. Honestly, don't make yourself sick like I did, I've missed out on so much life because I put my family before my sanity and health.

@Shadowsunraysorry to hear that. Good advice and I won’t from here. Or be guilt tripped into it.

I also put my dysfunctional family before my own mental health and from a very young age. I cut the apron strings about 10 years ago with running around after then and trying to be everything to them that I wanted in a family. A couple of years later my sisters dramas started.

As someone else said, I can’t fix her. I’ve worked really hard on my life and building the best one I can for myself, it’s not up for grabs. I’m still a work in progress myself.