to wish I had some real family support

[helenofroy]

Sitting up unable to sleep and feeling really low. I dont know who to talk to about this and I guess I want to know if I ABU. Long story short, I had a lot of weird bleeding and pain on Monday and found out I was pregnant (on the pill, late 30s, long distance relationship right now so infrequent sex -- I was pretty shocked) but the dr said it most likely miscarried due to my symptoms. I was feeling rotten physically and emotionally - I'm living alone with my dd(10) and her dad, my ex-H, doesnt speak to us and lives very far away anyway. I reached out to my sister, who lives literally round the corner, to let her know what was going on. She sent a text back saying let me know if you need anything, maybe we can catch up next week. She knew I would have liked another child and I guess I'm surprised she didnt think about how this might feel for me.

Today, I had a scan and now they are saying there's a chance it could be ectopic - I was sent straight to the hospital early pregnancy unit, and so asked my sister if she could have my dd for the evening while they did some investigations. She very grudgingly agreed but kept phoning me every hour for an update for the six hours I was there - not an update on my health which she didnt ask after, but on when I would be back to collect my dd. DD is 10, very self contained and had homework and iPad and her things, so it wasn't like I was asking her to babysit a baby or toddler. I was feeling so panicky being at hospital on my own with the shock of not only the pregnancy but also this possible diagnosis and the hospital didnt really want me home tonight, but they agreed to do a blood test and decide based on those results - I finally got out at 10.30pm with an appointment to come back in first thing tomorrow when dd is at school, called my sister to let her know immediately and 10 mins later she texted me telling me to hurry up (she knows its a >20 min drive). Not a word to ask how things were, etc. just handed over DD seeming pissed off and shut the door.

I feel really sad about this tonight, and alone. My partner is working abroad and he's been good on FaceTime but it hurts having family down the road and no care at all for this. My mum and dad barely answer my texts or calls and just blame work. I got some amazing news a month ago that will potentially change my (work)life/career, and my brothers who live a long distance away didnt even acknowledge it, my sister brushed it off too. I'm out of an abusive marriage 2 years and have built my and dd's life up slowly but surely, with so little support - the mums at school have been kinder and more likely to help out in an emergency than my own blood. Can anyone relate? I'm sat here on the couch with real anxiety about the possible ectopic, sad about the lost baby, wishing so much that my sister had even just given me a hug or helped reassure my dd who was anxious and upset when I got back with her. It was embarrassing to be borderline begging the nurses in EPU to let me home tonight and back tomorrow when they wanted me to stay as a precaution. If I had any real support, I would have been able to make that decision based on my health, not worrying about being a burden.

I know it's my problem I am a single mum, but she's my sister. I'd honestly do anything for her and her kids. I take her kids to the park most afternoons a week after school, I've taken them out for days and away on holidays by myself, going back in time I helped her get into university and apply for jobs, I wouldn't think twice about helping her or anyone I care about if they had a medical emergency. I feel so, so alone in these times.

YANBU at all. I know you said your partner is away working abroad - has he at least been some support to you over the phone?

Tbh I'd start cutting back on things you do for your sister, it sounds like she doesn't appreciate it and doesn't really want to help out when you really need her. It also doesn't sound like your Mum and Dad deserve you either.

Build a life with your daughter and your partner and surround yourself with friends. Your family are bringing you down and making you unhappy so maybe step back and concentrate on people who are worth your time.

I'm sorry OP💐

You say you were in an abusive relationship, do you consider your family to be abusive?

When you come from a difficult background, it's common to keep hoping that your family will change. You gave a perfect example when you said you had done something to be proud of but your family weren't interested.

You can continue waiting for your family to change and keep working on trying to make them care, or you can accept that they're not going to change and lower your expectations.

All the best at the hospital tomorrow ❤

I don't really have any wise words but as someone who went through an ectopic pregnancy last week I understand how difficult and scary it is. I'm really sorry you feel alone in this. I hope you get some answers from the hospital tomorrow.

Thank you both. That really helps to hear because I can never get my head round stuff like this but it isn;t right, is it? The nurses were worried I live alone with DD in case something more happened with the miscarriage/possible ectopic and I couldn't explain that I have no backup in a case like this. Now I know I need a contingency, and like I say, one or two of the school mums would probably be more help if something like this happens again - which seems so crazy to me. I dont expect anything for nothing and I always reciprocate childcare above and beyond, I appreciate it so much as a single parent, and I hate having to lean on others but in this case it was unavoidable.

My partner has been great on FaceTime whenever ive needed to talk, but it's not the same as having in person support. He is cut up too as we both would have been happy with a pregnancy but he's more worried about my health. My sister just isn't bothered. I told my mum I had a miscarriage and she just underplayed it saying something like 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage (no idea if that's true, it doesnt sound likely....) It was the first time I had spoken to her since xmas, and not for lack of trying.

Thanks @Mylegishangingoff I am scared, I cried at the hospital but they were very kind. I'm hoping I get some better news in the coming days.

I'm glad they have been kind to you. It's so normal to be scared and upset. I cried so many times over the past week to multiple health professionals. I went into my GP yesterday morning and didn't even say anything before I just started crying. You will be OK though, you have been through so much already, leaving an abusive marriage and building a life for you and your dd, you are obviously a strong woman even if it doesn't feel like that right now. My hospital had a pastoral care team I could speak to who were really helpful when it came to processing my emotions. You could ask if your hospital have something similar if you feel it would be helpful for you. All the best for tomorrow ❤️

Ahh OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. You went through something so difficult and then didn't have the support you absolutely should have had.

I am also a single parent who left an abusive relationship and it has only just dawned on me how the treatment of me by some members of my family in my life might have led me into being in that abusive relationship in the first place! I was a doormat always dealing with their unreasonable emotions and demands but suppressing my own needs which is how my ex treated me too.

The reason I mention this is because maybe you have to just acknowledge that your family are selfish and unkind to some degree. There is no excuse for your sister - my friend collapsed with heavy bleeding when she had an ectopic pregnancy, it was dangerous. She just sounds like a horrible person.

I would suggest you stop doing so much for your sister for a start (she will resent this because she is selfish). Try to continue to build your own support network outside family. You sound like a strong person so I guess it will be a matter of digging deeper to find that bit of extra strength that is already in you. I'm starting to do the same. I just can't be bothered to be let down yet again by them!

Create a family of friends. A lot of people in your situation create a close knit group of people that they rely on more than family. It doesn’t take the pain away of having a crappy family but it does mean that you would get support and care.
Also, if once you realize that your family is selfish and you start pulling back on them, expect instant angry guilt trips 🤣

I just don't understand it. Maybe I never will, but I dont understand how some peoples families (eg. my partner, or my friends') can be so close and loving, but mine is like this. I already know that if I had a medical emergency in the daytime, NO ONE in my family would take off work to pick up dd or come be with me.

I had a work thing today that I have had to ask to push because I have to go back into hospital shortly and my sister hasn't even texted me today to see how I am. She's so cold, I cant believe it.

This has just turned into a whine, but it's all so odd and upsetting and I guess my hormones are raging. Thanks for the advice, I agree about creating a support network of my own. So glad I started to do that.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You deserve the support but it’s just not how they are built obviously. If your parents are like that it’s obviously rubbed off. You will raise your daughter different x

You're perfectly entitled to whine and feel upset with what you're going through let alone with your family not helping.