DH’s driving?

[Shimmyshimmyquarterturn]

my DH has been driving for a few years now and is generally a good driver, although he doesn’t drive all that regularly. Recently he has had a few incidents.

The other day he was driving us and failed to slow down enough as a car with a small trailer pulled into a side road. I actually braced for impact it was so close, and was going to be my side of the car impacted. I made a gasp of sorts too.
He managed to avoid the collision by pulling out into the oncoming lane which fortunately the oncoming car slowed down and so all was fine.

We carried on driving for 5 minutes before I calmly said ‘did you misjudge the car In front back there? it is easy to do’ just wanting to talk about it as I was feeling tense.
My DH does not take any critique well at all but tbh the other week he also made a significant error on an A road and missed a car in his blind spot. He played it off that he didn’t know why the car was honking him as he was only indicating to move. But I’m 100% we had started merging over hence the car honking at us.

I let that incident go as I didn’t want to rile him up, but after this time I felt I wanted to have a conversation. We all make mistakes whilst driving but I think it’s important to identify them so we can improve. I actively say when I’ve made a driving mistake even if it’s just a little thing.

Anyway DH gets quite defensive saying how he skilfully avoided the car and why wasn’t I saying well done for that mostly. He also said he prefers to process the mistakes he makes by himself but I sometimes feel he just passes blame in his head-the other car was at fault for honking as he definitely wasn’t pulling over etc. I don’t feel safe driving with someone who can’t hold themselves accountable.
when we got to our destination things were tense so I said I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. He responds with I’m sorry you don’t feel safe with me I just won’t drive anymore. I tell him he’s a good driver but we all make mistakes and I just wanted to talk about it. He starts pulling up historic mistakes I’ve made whilst driving saying ‘at least I didn’t do x y and z’.
he then storms back to the car declaring he no longer wants to do the nice day out we had planned.

I can appreciate I should have waited to get to our destination to talk at least, I just felt so uncomfortable. But I don’t feel I’m wrong for wanting to discuss what happened? It would have been me going into the trailer not him.

i should add, I have never criticised his driving and I don’t backseat drive whilst he is driving.

Aibu?

He sounds like a terrible driver and the passive aggressive, emotional manipulation would be a massive red flag for me.

You were unreasonable to tell him he's a good driver when he clearly isn't. I wouldn't feel safe in a car with him.

He isn’t a good driver. But it can be hard for someone to recognise that and concede the point.

give him space to think but also offer to drive more often. Is he normally the default driver when you go out together?

Bad driving and then the storming off is a form of abuse.

There are 1000s of stories, mine included, of women trapped in cars with men behaving unsafely and then acting up.

We can't afford to make mistakes when driving. Sounds as if he needs a refresher course. YANBU.

I have two problems with my DH's driving - one is trying to identify birds when we're driving along, and another is going too fast (IMO).

The other day we were joining a motorway and the joining road goes round a sharp bend with a big 30mph sign - he was doing 53! I had a right go at him and he said, a bit sheepishly, that the car ahead and the one behind were doing the same speed. So I told him all three were wrong. There's no excuse really. He'd learn that if he went on a speed awareness course. So I do tell my DH in no uncertain terms and you should be able to tell yours too. Next time... Well, you know what the consequences might be! He needs to wake up!

I had been surprised until recently that he did seem quite good. He can have a bad temper and I was worried he would get road rage which he hasn’t yet.

but no he doesn’t often drive at all. I drive every day for work and usually do 95% of the driving for us.

I get this, I would be horrified if he was speeding which he hasn’t so far.
we are all going to make mistakes but we have to own them so we can improve and learn.

Right before I was born my family were seriously hurt and killed in a car accident. I grew up constantly being told how serious it was to be behind the wheel and could see the devastation it caused. People always think it won’t happen to them.

I honestly wouldn't care less if his feelings got hurt, he needs to be a better driver. That would be the end of discussion for me.

He sounds pathetic. He is driving in a dangerous manner, missing things he should see and when you speak to him about it he behaves like a child. I would lose my shit. I can't stand the man-child. No time for it.

If it’s the type of sign I think it is then it’s purely advisory. Quite often see these on slip roads.

Advisory speed limit? That's a new one on me. It looked like a normal (round) speed limit sign.

He sounds like a terrible and dangerous driver. But what makes him particularly dangerous is his inability to realistically assess his own (lack of) ability, and his arrogance and emotional manipulation.

Just pathetic.

The temper thing is more important here, and you being worried to say things

How old is he?

He sounds a fundamentally bad driver.

Not the type I’m thinking of then. The advisory ones look like this:

Yes, it could well have been that. I've learnt something! Thank you.