to be so jealous of DHs slavish devotion to his mother

[drivinmecrazy]

MIL is recently widowed so DH is stepping in and doing all kinds of jobs for her that i have been trying to get him to do at home for years. MIL lives 120 miles away and has a son who lives in the same town, but she seems to be becoming so reliant on DH that I feel I am losing him back to his mother. I get on really well with her, but am getting a bit fed up of having to spend so many week-ends with her , because DH says she's lonely. BIL might only see her every other week because of 'family commitments'. DH works away all week, so we only have week-ends together as a family. I daren't talk to him about it, because it just makes me sound selfish and churlish and he will obviously defend his Mum

YANBU but it's a tricky one. She may well be lonely but she's going to have to start developing her own support network closer to hand unless your DH is going to go down there every single weekend for the rest of her life! How recent is recently widowed? If it's only a month or so then you may have to bite your tongue for a while longer but eventually you're going to have to talk to your DH. I may sound evil but looking after his mum isn't his first priority now, his family is.

how recently has she been widowed?

your terminology is really strong - "so jealous", "slavish"

is there more to it?

if hse is recently widowed, your DH is doing the right thing by helping her out.. she must be struggling. is it more the having to go there at the weekends and not doing what you want that is annoying you? or you feel he is doing more for her than you?
don't make him choose.

if you don;t discuss it , rationally and calmly, and explain your feelings , the resntment will build until it bursts out.

TBH I loved my DH even more for the way he was with his mum (and later my mum)..

It makes him the man he is - (kind and caring)

How about sorting a rota with BIL that either him or your DH sees her every week for a while, ie

Week 1 - BIL
Week 2 - DH (and you go and stay)
Week 3 - BIL
Week 4 - DH goes (on his own)
Week 5 - BIL
Week 6 - DH - Invite her to yours
Week 7 - BIL
Week 8 - DH You all go

Then make it every 2 weeks that someone sees her.

Week 10 - BIL
Week 12 - DH
etc etc

She probably is lonely, but I am sure that she doesn't expect you and DH to drop everything all of the time etc.

How often did you see her before FIL passed away?

I think Heifer's idea is a good one. YANBexactly U, and I can see why you're upset, as your dh is away all week, but I think he's being a really lovely son and that you should both be giving her support. It must be awful to lose your husband after so many years and it is bound to take her a while to adjust.

Heifer, good post - being caring and around to support his mum and do things for her makes him a good person and a good son I would think...and lots of daughters would do the same without this kind of almost 'stigma' I think...as the mother of a son it makes me really sad that men who keep contact and support their mums as adults are seen as odd, or mummy's boys, or 'slavish'

If he works away all week, the weekend is the only time he's got for his mum after all, at this difficult time...I do realise that it's his only family time, too, but the poor woman is only recently widowed! If you get on well with her surely it can't be THAT bad to allow him to offer support, when it's so recent?