Missed promotion and think I should now just leave? I need external advice

[Ifyouwannabemyyoyo]

I have worked in my organisation for 9.5 years, joined at a very junior level and worked my way up. Loved my job, my team, the culture and I have never even considered leaving until now.
Yesterday I found out that 2 colleagues who have been in the business much less than me have been promoted to the next grade and I haven’t. I wasn’t even involved in promotion discussions and didn’t know there was a role available in thr first place. My performance reviews have always been good so it isn’t an issue with my performance but simply that the head of the department thought they were more suited to the promotion.
I feel deeply upset and don’t feel like there is much room for growth where I am anymore as these roles don’t often become available.
The issue is that my industry isn’t going well at the moment and I know finding a job in this market is going to be very, very difficult. I also am a bit scared that if I do find another job, I will be less protected in case anything happens whilst here I would at least get a good package after such a long time.

I am 35yo so still have a long way ahead of me and want to work towards a more senior role. Equally I have a 3 yo son and current job gives me a lot of trust and flexibility which I know is not a given elsewhere and that scares me too.
Am I overreacting or should I look elsewhere and get out of here?

I think your first step should be to speak to your manager about the missed promotion opportunities - be careful about your tone, but you can express mild surprise given that you weren't aware that the roles were available. Ask for feedback on why you weren't considered, framing it constructively, i.e. you want to know what to work on. Ask directly what your progression options are and what steps you need to take to get there. I'd make the decision about staying or leaving after having had that conversation.

arghhhh the old tied by benefits but want to leave for principles scenario. You have to make a decision which is more valuable to you - the flexibility or your self worth?

It's a hard one. I think staying could send you on a decline, you're not valued , there's no growth, there's no room etc. that isn't a good head space to be in.

Whereas on the other hand, flexibility with a young child can be gold.

I'd be making silent enquiries, update the CV, get it out there, look if you can polish your skills, anything to make you more of a catch? See what the market is like, won't hurt to know.

Are you still with DC dad? If so, then the flexibility doesn't all just fall on you, can they pick up more? Can family pick up more?

Then you're more aware of market, and options. Don't jump til you know, don't react, keep calm.

@toomuchfaff thank you, it’s what I will do I think. Yes I am with DH but the nature of his job isn’t flexible sadly as he has to be onsite so the nursery pick up is alway on me.

@takealettermsjones I spoke to her when she delivered the news yesterday. She said I will own my own projects and there aren’t doubts around my performance etc but I need to work on my strategic thinking and getting closer to a senior stakeholder to be noticed more. I am a bit sick of these office dynamics and would just like a fresh start, tbh. Ideally in a place with good culture and some flexibility though.
Re promotion, there isn’t anything in the horizon for me as this is what the team looks like right now and they don’t need more people at that grade.

Reddit’s Antiwork board is adamant that too much loyalty does Not pay. Advancement by way of pay rise and promotion is best obtained by leaving.

Have another look at your job description. Are you working over and outside it? Pull back quietly. If they don’t acknowledge, they don’t get.

Brush up your CV. Contact a recruiter and cast your eyes around.

Gently, OP, promotions don’t go by length of service. Have you been involved in strategic/senior work? Have you taken opportunities to work above your current level? In the circumstances (small child, husband with inflexible job, difficult job market) I would focus on improving the way management perceives you rather than on moving, at least in the short term.

The length of time someone has worked is irrelevant in this case. You don't get promoted because you've been there longer. My advice would be don't leave. You've worked your way up so far and just hit a small bump in the road. It sounds like a generally good place to work so I would wait until you feel calmer then have a discussion about the missed promotions and why you weren't aware. If you weren't considered for them, ask why. Not from the point of view of throwing a strop and feeling miffed but genuinely seeking information about your perceived weaknesses.
You could ask why these weaknesses hadn't been raised in previous performance reviews....but definitely ask for training / development to address them. Can you shadow aspects of the promoted role? Sit in on the occasional meeting? Ask if there are other courses or development opportunities they can offer.
If you work at it and you're passed over again, I'd think about leaving ( well, in all honesty, I wouldn't, I'd sit on my arse and coast - but I'm in my 50s not my 30s.)

I think the issue is that my motivation is now really low and I don’t like to feel this way. Maybe a fresh start might help me get myself back on track?

Did they mention gravitas?

i suspect you didn’t suck up to senior management enough - that is very often what talk of “being stragegic” means in reality.

I think you need to specially ask you manager:
a) what the criteria for promotion are (not specific to you, the whole list they look a to decide if someone is ready for promotion)
b) why the opportunities aren't internally 'advertised' within the organisations/department/team so you know the timeframes and can ask to be considered if you think you are suitable
c) when the next opportunity will be and how those be notified

I'd tread carefully when raising it but I'd also be implying that the process doesn't seem very transparent or fair. Putting it bluntly, this is how women & people of colour get missed out and is really bad practice. Does your organisation have an HR department and is there someone you could talk to confidentially to ask these questions as well? They may not even know what's going on.

From an HR perspective I am surprised at their approach as it comes across as 'shoulder tapping' which has got potential grievance/discrimination written all over it

As for motivation, it's hard but try not to give them evidence to reinforce their opinion they were right not to promote you. Head high, get straight on to actioning the feedback and raise it in every1:1 meeting. Ask for some examples of what being more visible 'looks like' etc, ask for projects that require 'strategic thinking' and for some training in relevant areas. Some of this feedback might be bollocks but if not, even if you do leave for anther job, this can only help your development in the meantime.

I would look elsewhere, you don’t have to go for the first thing that comes up, but might be you find something that ticks all boxes.

Ive not had a great time in my current company, have been looking for something else but then everyone wanted 2-3 days in the office, then the perfect job has come up with more money, better benefits and minimal office time. So win win in the end. Don’t give up hope if it takes a while to find something xx

Are the two others men or childless women?

My DH is going through the same thing and is actively looking for a new job.

it’s completely shit @Ifyouwannabemyyoyo you have me sympathy

It’s a small company and positions are not usually advertised, promotions normally happen this way. Yes re the s..ing up to the people who matter, that definitely plays a big role in my company.
The other two are a man with kids and a woman with a teenage child. I don’t think that played a part in the decision making though.

I think you are in a good position to start scouting out alternatives. You have a job that doesn’t sound like it is necessarily going anywhere but it has its benefits in the meantime. Try to see if there are any specialist recruiters in your field who would help with a job search.

Yanbu to want promotion and it's totally ok to jobhunt elsewhere to get it.

The people who got promoted will not have just had it handed to them. Typically I would guess that at their last 3 years of performance reviews, they will have been asking - what skills and competencies can I learn or demonstrate to be considered for promotion? And will have then put efforts into those things. They wouldn't have been satisfied with being told they are doing a good job, they will have shown how hungry they are for the next job. If you haven't been doing that sort of thing yourself then that's why. If you have, then you may have a discrimination case if you weren't given the opportunity to compete for the new roles.

I don't think I'd move in this climate from a job I liked, with a good culture and flexibility while I had primary responsibility for a young child. Depends on how big your safety net is, if something goes wrong.

What I would do is think strategically about my career. As in, what would you want to do next. Is there training or experience that might help you? Are you going above and beyond at work and could you put that energy elsewhere.

By all means have the conversation with your manager, but just be aware that they might say warm words about future promotion opportunities that may not materialise. I applied for a higher grade opportunity, which I didn't get as lost out to an external candidate, fine. Thereafter I was told that there would be promotion opportunities in the future etc etc so I worked hard and stayed positive, but nothing ever materialised. Eventually I lost trust and left, but it took me two years (it's not the only reason I left but definitely contributed). Looking back I realise that my manager and head of department didn't have authority to promote me without leadership level approval anyway, and that for this particular level there had to be an open position available, so they were definitely over promising.

Don’t make a knee jerk decision.
Polish your CV,
Assess the job market,
Get clear feedback from your manager with actionable steps for you to take.

Then work out what is the best approach for you.
Is now the right time to move?
Do you need to find extra childcare?
Are there any skills you can acquire in your current position that will make you more attractive to other employers?
Do you want to move industries or role or are you looking for something similar?

It's normal to fele very demotivated and upset. However I know plenty of successful people who had a knock back at some point. The successful ones have listened to feedback with an open mind and played the game and demonstrated that they'd addressed any points raised. Yes there are no positions now but things change. And if you end up leaving anyway you'll still have improved your resiliency and might have some extra things to add to your cv (or interview questions like 'how do you respond to negative feedback').

Wait a few weeks until it doesn't sting as much and then speak to your manager about specific steps you can take to raise your profile etc. This doesn't need to be cringey networking if it's not your thing, but can be putting your name forward for extra higher profile projects with key people etc. Ask for some specific ideas. See if there are any soft skills training courses you can do. See if there are any sideways moves you can make to widen your skills set (even if its just a short secondment). Practice taking the lead more and being more pro active. Ask for feedback about projects you have been involved with and see what you could have done differently. See if you can get a mentor - someone that you admire or that is generally well thought of that isn't your line manager that you can talk through situations with for advice.

Often when you get a promotion its less about doing a great job and more about co ordinating other people to do a great job (even when they dont report to you) which are different skill sets. So a promotion doesn't mean that you aren't highly thought of in your current job.

My manager was always saying something similar to the messages you've got, and at first I had a very similar reaction to you, but I've slowly learned that actually he has a point and feel that I've gradually been learning from him, even though I'm naturally a 'doer' rather than an 'organiser'