'BFF' wants to WhatsApp every day but rarely meets up (but does with other friends

Sockmate123 · 2025-05-07T08:49:00+00:00

BFF since childhood. Lives 40 minutes away, doesn't drive. We are close in that i tell her everything and vice versa. Almost everytime I suggest meeting up she declines especially if evening. She said her 5 Yr old frets for her. She has 2 older kids. I believe her that her dd does fret for her but this didnt stop her going away overnight on a work trip 6 hours away and the following week an overnight abroad with another group of friends that I dont know (but had previously left her out of another trip and seem bitchy tbh). I invited her to come stay and offered to collect her and drop her home next day. She replied that she couldnt do a third thing in short space of time as dd will be upset. I just said I understand no problem. She hasn't replied or contacted me since which has been about 2 weeks. What's going on here? Anyone any insight? I wouldn't mind if a once off but it never seems to suit her to hang out yet shes always hanging out with others, meeting for lunch etc her entire other group of friends are all child free and she would say not that that welcoming/tolerant of her... AIBU to just not invite again? YABU - continue to invite, keep up the friendship YANBU - shes making it clear she doesn't want to spend time with you, stop being so available. Keep it to a WhatsApp friendship 🤷♀️

toomuchfaff · 07/05/2025 10:18

She can turn down your invites for any reason. The examples you gave, have more clout than your invite, ergo probably why they were attended. A work trip? yeah that kinda needs to be done, kid fretting can be accepted and worked round as opposed to a jolly with a mate 40 minutes away.

Maybe she doesn't want to visit, maybe you're a bit pushy, maybe she can handle the Whatapp nature but really doesn't want to do more, either way I think for your own mental well-being being you match her energy.

sesquipedalian · 07/05/2025 10:23

OP, perhaps,she just doesn’t want to do an overnight visit with you? You don’t know the diplomacy involved with the other group of friends - she might have wanted to go abroad; might have wanted to go with the group and tick off six friends in one go - and a work trip is something entirely other. She has told you that she doesn’t want a third overnight trip so soon - if you are a good friend, you’ll accept that. Forty minutes isn’t that far away - why don’t you suggest a catch up over lunch, or afternoon tea? That way, she won’t have to stay overnight.

Endofyear · 07/05/2025 10:29

If she declines almost every time you ask, stop asking. She's making it clear she's not bothered about seeing you so why keep making the effort? It sounds like you're more invested in the friendship than she is.

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 07/05/2025 10:57

Endofyear · 07/05/2025 10:29

If she declines almost every time you ask, stop asking. She's making it clear she's not bothered about seeing you so why keep making the effort? It sounds like you're more invested in the friendship than she is.

I think this is right!

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 07/05/2025 10:59

sesquipedalian · 07/05/2025 10:23

OP, perhaps,she just doesn’t want to do an overnight visit with you? You don’t know the diplomacy involved with the other group of friends - she might have wanted to go abroad; might have wanted to go with the group and tick off six friends in one go - and a work trip is something entirely other. She has told you that she doesn’t want a third overnight trip so soon - if you are a good friend, you’ll accept that. Forty minutes isn’t that far away - why don’t you suggest a catch up over lunch, or afternoon tea? That way, she won’t have to stay overnight.

Its not just overnights (that was just an option if she wanted a drink) I was happy for her to just come for dinner.

I have suggested lunches etc she only does very rarely. But her friends will tag her out at stuff on social media.

Thanks for your reply. I know the world thing is unavailable. I suppose mu OP sounds petty but this is an ongoing thing

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 07/05/2025 11:02

toomuchfaff · 07/05/2025 10:18

She can turn down your invites for any reason. The examples you gave, have more clout than your invite, ergo probably why they were attended. A work trip? yeah that kinda needs to be done, kid fretting can be accepted and worked round as opposed to a jolly with a mate 40 minutes away.

Maybe she doesn't want to visit, maybe you're a bit pushy, maybe she can handle the Whatapp nature but really doesn't want to do more, either way I think for your own mental well-being being you match her energy.

I know what you mean, work trip unavoidable but the other trip is. She doesn't have to stay over i just offered if she wanted to have a drink.

I'm definitely not pushy, probably the opposite. I just said thats fine I completely understand and seems she ghosted me now 🙄 she can be a little immature with stuff like this, I mean silent treatment etc

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toomuchfaff · 07/05/2025 11:12

In that case, for your own mental point of view, Let her... and you step back

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 07/05/2025 11:24

I won't fall out with her but I'm not running around after her anymore

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TalkToTheHand123 · 05/09/2025 08:20

Could you not just visit her?

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 05/09/2025 09:18

TalkToTheHand123 · 05/09/2025 08:20

Could you not just visit her?

I could and have but she works FT and weekends are hectic for me. I have a gift to drop off for her DS so I'll probably take a drive soon to do that. Just leave at door if she's not there 🤷‍♀️

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Mary46 · 05/09/2025 09:20

Step back a bit. Op I match peoples efforts now. I think it has to be equal efforts in friendships)

Poodleville · 05/09/2025 09:40

Daily what's apping would not work for me!
The only thing I'd say in your friend's favour is that you are also limited in your capacity to meet up if weekends are off the table for you - I think that's a pretty common time fro most people to fit in their socialising.
So from her perspective you might be as inflexible as she is?

Peacepleaselouise · 05/09/2025 09:43

I think you’re being a bit unfair. The work trip probably wasn’t really optional and the other trip was likely planned months in advance so she’d already committed.
I wouldn’t want to be away from my kids by choice for a third thing in those circumstances either.
Why don’t you just offer to go over one evening and have a meal together? Don’t just show up at her door and wonder why she is a bit frosty. Make a plan at a convenient time.

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 05/09/2025 23:31

Poodleville · 05/09/2025 09:40

Daily what's apping would not work for me!
The only thing I'd say in your friend's favour is that you are also limited in your capacity to meet up if weekends are off the table for you - I think that's a pretty common time fro most people to fit in their socialising.
So from her perspective you might be as inflexible as she is?

They are difficult at the moment due to kids sports, matches etc but I would always and have always made the effort in the past. I was free every weekend in Summer.....

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BollyKnickerz · 05/09/2025 23:38

I wonder if you've been boxed into a 'category'. Do you do a lot of 'agony aunt's type stuff for her ? Does she come to you with problems or needing advice?

If so, you may be seen as 'useful' but not meeting the criteria to hang out with and have fun with. Unfortunately, many people do this. Probably to an extent subconsciously. In which case, you'd be best off moving on from her.

I had a 'friend' a few years back when the kids were small. We'd meet up regularly. She didn't enjoy motherhood much and was an older mother of an only child. I felt vulnerable at the time and thought it wise to make friends. She did a few palm offs on me with said kid (who turned out to be unpleasant) and one day she talking about 'her friends ' and made some comment on "I've only really got 3 proper friends: Kate, Mary and Jane . I wouldn't class anyone else as friends ". And she meant it. Oblivious too. I saw her differently after that and realised she was using me as a "mum". Took me ages to shake her off. (Wasn't the only reason )

Original poster

Sockmate123 · 06/09/2025 19:28

BollyKnickerz · 05/09/2025 23:38

I wonder if you've been boxed into a 'category'. Do you do a lot of 'agony aunt's type stuff for her ? Does she come to you with problems or needing advice?

If so, you may be seen as 'useful' but not meeting the criteria to hang out with and have fun with. Unfortunately, many people do this. Probably to an extent subconsciously. In which case, you'd be best off moving on from her.

I had a 'friend' a few years back when the kids were small. We'd meet up regularly. She didn't enjoy motherhood much and was an older mother of an only child. I felt vulnerable at the time and thought it wise to make friends. She did a few palm offs on me with said kid (who turned out to be unpleasant) and one day she talking about 'her friends ' and made some comment on "I've only really got 3 proper friends: Kate, Mary and Jane . I wouldn't class anyone else as friends ". And she meant it. Oblivious too. I saw her differently after that and realised she was using me as a "mum". Took me ages to shake her off. (Wasn't the only reason )

Nail on the head! She messages me about her illnesses, kids sickness, parents health.
Or parenting stuff, school stuff.
Her other friends, there's 4, all but one are single in their 40's, no kids. The one who does have children, they are grown up boys in their 20's. Her kids are younger and girls. I think she honestly has been using me as a sounding board for problems. It's sad that it's taken coming on here to actually realise this.
I think maybe recently she feels a comparison between our DD's same age....and doesnt want to hear about mine or her achievements etc

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BollyKnickerz · 06/09/2025 21:44

Sockmate123 · 06/09/2025 19:28

Nail on the head! She messages me about her illnesses, kids sickness, parents health.
Or parenting stuff, school stuff.
Her other friends, there's 4, all but one are single in their 40's, no kids. The one who does have children, they are grown up boys in their 20's. Her kids are younger and girls. I think she honestly has been using me as a sounding board for problems. It's sad that it's taken coming on here to actually realise this.
I think maybe recently she feels a comparison between our DD's same age....and doesnt want to hear about mine or her achievements etc

Show quote history

I'm sorry you've come to that realisation. Unfortunately it does sound like you've got yourself a "user". It's not nice and it stings. But at least you're wise to it now. I'd distance yourself as from now. You don't need people like her using up your energy. Stop messaging her and take a good day or two to reply if she does message. Don't offer to meet up and become very dull in your responses. No point having any kind of frank discussion: she's unlikely to care. (She hasn't genuinely cared this far ) And will only deny it and you'll be the bad guy. I doubt she'll make too much effort. Except when she needs you for something. Do a 'slow fade'.

Most of us have been on the receiving end of this. You're not alone. And to be honest, there'll be no malice in her intentions. It's usually self absorption and lack of awareness of their own behaviour.

At least now you have the wisdom to notice these patterns in friendships for the future. If it all feels a bit one sided or your life and children aren't mentioned : it's not a balanced and true friendship.

And true friends are actually rather rare. Better to have a couple of absolute gems than a bunch of Fairweather users.

TFICoffeetime · 06/09/2025 22:34

I agree with few others. I've had a friend that literally told me I was her friend she could be herself with, let out any upsets (like a therapist) then go on her merry way & enjoy doing fun stuff with others. It got v draining for me & as soon as I offered the same as other friends but not too deep she drifted away.
I think she may not realise it but she's probably invested in an emotional friendship with you at a distance like a comfort but not more than that. If you like & care for her you could try to talk to her about seeing her more & look at something you can both do without feeling pressured. Hard subject to bring up & it may even end the friendship but if it's meant to be you would work through it. This stuff can be painful though & I think females & adult friendships post children can be v hard. You sound caring & want reassurance. Sometimes Mumsnet can say things too plainly & sometimes that's bang on but also you know you. If you feel let down and hurt and can't just move away then address it best you can without it seeming like an attack.
Good luck. X

Surveille222 · 06/09/2025 22:46

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 06/09/2025 23:01

BollyKnickerz · 06/09/2025 21:44

I'm sorry you've come to that realisation. Unfortunately it does sound like you've got yourself a "user". It's not nice and it stings. But at least you're wise to it now. I'd distance yourself as from now. You don't need people like her using up your energy. Stop messaging her and take a good day or two to reply if she does message. Don't offer to meet up and become very dull in your responses. No point having any kind of frank discussion: she's unlikely to care. (She hasn't genuinely cared this far ) And will only deny it and you'll be the bad guy. I doubt she'll make too much effort. Except when she needs you for something. Do a 'slow fade'.

Most of us have been on the receiving end of this. You're not alone. And to be honest, there'll be no malice in her intentions. It's usually self absorption and lack of awareness of their own behaviour.

At least now you have the wisdom to notice these patterns in friendships for the future. If it all feels a bit one sided or your life and children aren't mentioned : it's not a balanced and true friendship.

And true friends are actually rather rare. Better to have a couple of absolute gems than a bunch of Fairweather users.

Show quote history

Aww a lovely message thank you and yes at least I know now x

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 06/09/2025 23:02

TFICoffeetime · 06/09/2025 22:34

I agree with few others. I've had a friend that literally told me I was her friend she could be herself with, let out any upsets (like a therapist) then go on her merry way & enjoy doing fun stuff with others. It got v draining for me & as soon as I offered the same as other friends but not too deep she drifted away.
I think she may not realise it but she's probably invested in an emotional friendship with you at a distance like a comfort but not more than that. If you like & care for her you could try to talk to her about seeing her more & look at something you can both do without feeling pressured. Hard subject to bring up & it may even end the friendship but if it's meant to be you would work through it. This stuff can be painful though & I think females & adult friendships post children can be v hard. You sound caring & want reassurance. Sometimes Mumsnet can say things too plainly & sometimes that's bang on but also you know you. If you feel let down and hurt and can't just move away then address it best you can without it seeming like an attack.
Good luck. X

Thank you for your thoughtful reply x

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Original poster

Sockmate123 · 06/09/2025 23:04

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

No nothing has changed really, a couple of messages, thats it really. I get impression she knows I am unhappy with her now. I am mot falling out with her but I do feel very used and am not wasting my energy on her anymore but am not going to ghost her ot anything.

Aww I wished I lived in Norfolk but I'm in Ireland so a flight away lol

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