Husband and drinking - AIBU

[Catsandcannedbeans]

I am currently pregnant so I have stopped drinking, literally found out on the same day I was booked to go to a tequila festival (this is not relevant I’m just annoyed). Since I’ve stopped, I’ve noticed my husband really does like a drink… maybe too much? But I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just jealous?

For context we both like a drink, we met working in a bar. We like doing things at the pub as well, quiz, kareoke, darts and pool. We don’t just sit and get pissed, but I’d be lying to you to say our hobbies aren’t a bit drink heavy. We didn’t drink every time we went out to do these things tho, but we did most times.

His drinking doesn’t cause us issues, he isn’t pissed up looking after the kids, still a good dad, he’s not a violent drunk or anything like that. He’s the opposite actually he gets very affectionate. He just drinks a lot. Beer most nights after the kids are in bed and if we’re out and about he will take us for a pub lunch and have a few pints. Yesterday he did say he loves having a designated driver when I’m pregnant and I snapped and said “I’m not your fucking taxi service and you’re getting the snip anyway soon so don’t get used to it”. I’m not one to snap really so he was taken a back and apologised.

My dad is a recovering alcoholic so I am quite sensitive to it. Also I recently found out that my best mate (who is also pregnant), her partner stops drinking when she is pregnant. That makes me really jealous to be honest, I miss my pints and I missed my tequila festival and I kind of feel like he should go sober for the next few months as well. Am I being silly?

I want to know other peoples opinion and experiences. Did your partner quit drinking when you were pregnant in solidarity? I also am really emotional this pregnancy so I am a much more unsure of myself than normal.

YABU - don’t ask him to stop drinking. You’re just jealous you can’t have a beer.
YNBU - ask him to stop drinking.

I don’t think a man should have to stop drinking because his DP is pregnant, and in many relationships it wouldn’t be a huge issue because it would just be a couple of pints occasionally.
I certainly never felt envious about DH having a couple of pints.

However, it’s sounds as if the pair of you like drink an awful lot.

With an alcoholic father, that would be a huge issue to me, because I know how regular drinking trickles down to DC as ‘acceptable’.
It clearly has in your case if you are feeling you are missing out on having a drink when pregnant.
In our case it meant 2 out of 4 children became alcoholics, despite not living with DF beyond age 8 &10.
He wasn’t even a roaring drunk, he was a drinker like your DH, any opportunity for a pint.

If you weren’t pregnant you wouldn’t have an issue with his boozing - as you’d be joining him .
so it sounds like a case of jealousy and unfair to expect him to stop just because you can’t join in at the moment .

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak i wouldn’t say he’s any opportunity for a pint because some days he doesn’t drink. There are weeks he doesn’t drink, especially if he’s doing a big run or swim that week. He also works for a beer company in an administrative role, which definitely plays a part in. We rarely get drunk when we do drink unless our kids are away. My dad was a forget the kids in the pub type drunk, which has always put me off getting drunk but not having a drink. I guess you’re right tho it is a bit weird that I’m jealous.

I think YABU to ask him... but that if he had done any critical thinking about the situation he would make your situation better by standing in solidarity with you in not drinking (his decision). But in order for it to hit as hard, it'd have to be his decision.

After all, you're carrying his child, isn't the utopia meant to be about making his wife the happiest and least stressed she can be during this time; not revelling in the fact he has a designated driver.

I think you could focus on your own attachment to drinking alcohol, that's the issue here. If you weren't missing it, other people drinking or not wouldn't matter.

If you want your DP not to drink it sounds like you’re the one with the alcohol problem

It’s a bit harsh to say the OP has an alcohol problem! I think being sober for the pregnancy has just made the OP re-evaluate. It’s common to normalise quite heavy drinking, because it’s fun and we like doing it. But it doesn’t mean it’s good for us! How many units would you estimate your partner drinks a week? Ultimately you can only control your alcohol intake and I wouldn’t ask him to stop drinking but you could point out if he is drinking way over the recommended limit for units per week.

I would have loved for my DH to give up drinking when I was pregnant x 2, but he laughed at me when I suggested it. My solution was to tell him that we were taking it in turns to drive. He thought that was a bit rich as I wasn't drinking, but I just said fairs fair and I don't always feel like driving. It probably drove him mad but I didn't care.

It also worked in my favour after our babies were born, as he'd got into the habit of taking it in turns to drive and not drink.

I'm not a big drinker anyway, but I absolutely wasn't going to be his taxi service!

TBH it rather sounds like you have a problem not him.

Hahah thank you. I don’t think I have a drinking problem just a hankering for a pint on a hot day. After DS was born I didn’t drink at all for like a year, not really intentional I just was really put off my normal drink of choice like I suddenly found it repulsive.

His units really vary a lot week to week, last week he was way over the limit because first sun of the year plus FILs birthday which was quiet the ruckus for a man of 70. I think I might just float the idea when he gets home. Just to see what he thinks. I might also ask him if he thinks I have a drinking problem 😂.

When I was pregnant I actually refused to drive after a certain time in the evening (unless absolutely necessary) as I felt too tired and I think that’s as valid as not wanting to drink drive.

I think there’s far too much tired driving goes on in society, probably by women in particular!

I don’t mind being a driver when driving makes sense whilst not pregnant, I don’t have to drink, but during those months I didn’t do it in the evenings.

I’m sorry OP but you can’t throw the “my dads a recovering alcoholic so I’m sensitive to it” card out when you happily admit to drinking and enjoying it before your pregnancy…

To be honest your friend who’s husband stopped drinking because she got pregnant, it’s not really necessary.

I am actually worried about your mental health when it comes to alcohol rather than your partners, it seems to be affecting you much more than myself or anyone I know has felt during pregnancy.

I don’t necessarily think he should have to give up drinking, although cutting down would be thoughtful. But I think gleefully saying how happy he is that you aren’t able to drink and (in his view) tied to being his taxi service would annoy most people if they were honest.

I think a big part of it is I have FOMO and it’s sunny. I do feel like I’ve missed out on some things because I’ve been pregnant for a significant amount of my 20s (26 now, have DD5 and DS3). Most of our friends don’t have kids and range in ages 22-30. Seeing everyone out in the sun having fun while I have to eat bland food because everything else makes me violently sick just sucks. The other two pregnancies were way easier. I think maybe I’m just a bit depressed and that’s manifesting through this. I don’t know though I’ve genuinely always been lucky with mental health even when really really bad stuff has happened I’ve always just shrugged it off.

Don't get me wrong, I’m glad I had kids young because I don’t want to be dealing with a screaming baby at 40, but I think now I’m just kind of realising the downsides of it. There’s pros and cons to everything though at the end of the day.

It doesn't really sound like he drinks that much. I do understand how you feel about missing it though. The weekend before I found out I was pregnant I'd been out partying all weekend following a boozy summer, so it was quite a knock back down to earth. Friends and family are all big drinkers too.

When I was pregnant DH wouldn't get plastered because he was conscious of me dealing with him, but he absolutely carried on drinking when he fancied a few. It was a fun bonus that I was sober to drive us around and I didn't mind that at all. I'd still go out to parties or the pub, just without the booze, and I stocked myself up with nice non-alcoholic alternatives and cracked on with it. I took a bit of pleasure at how good I felt the next day while everyone else nursed a hangover!