To end my relationship after 18 months?

[5599katherine]

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months. It took a while for things to get going, but there’s always been a connection and I really do care about him. We’ve actually known each other for six years, but it’s only in the last year and a half that we got together. He’s ten years older than me, and I’m in my 30s, focused on building my career in leadership. We both have good jobs and live separately, but from day one I’ve been upfront about what I want—marriage, a family, a home together. I’m not living in a fantasy world—I know I have to work hard, save, and build that life myself, and I’m doing just that.

Right now, we’re both working in the city, but I’ve always said I don’t want to stay here forever. I’d like to move to the countryside in the next couple of years, once I’ve saved up a deposit. He doesn’t feel the same. He’s made it clear he has no interest in leaving the city, and when I bring up living together, he avoids the conversation or dismisses it. It’s like we’re not planning the same future at all.

Another thing that’s been hard to swallow is the dishonesty. Even though we’ve known each other for six years, he never once opened up to me about smoking drugs. It wasn’t until we were already in a relationship that I found out he uses weed regularly. When I confronted him, he promised to stop—he took a short break—but eventually he just went back to it. I’ve explained clearly how that doesn’t align with my values or my plans to start a family. His response? That he doesn’t want kids for another two years. I never agreed to that, and he knows how important timing is to me.

In 18 months, he’s never once said he loves me. I haven’t met his work friends, and he’s never posted anything about me on social media. Every weekend, he’s out drinking and partying with his mates. That’s fine—I don’t expect him to change who he is—but he also takes hard drugs, and I just don’t live like that. I like calm weekends, tea in bed, peace—not that lifestyle.

After yet another conversation about wanting to start a family within the next year, we still weren’t aligned. Then last night, he came to see me—late, because he went home from work first to get stoned. We were intimate, but halfway through he physically pushed me off so I wouldn’t get pregnant. It completely ruined the moment and left me feeling rejected and alone. I’m on protection, luckily, but emotionally, it hit hard.

I’m just so tired. Tired of the emotional effort, tired of hoping he’ll grow up and meet me halfway. He still acts like a man-child, not a partner. I know what I want—and this isn’t it.
AIBU to kick him into touch?

As someone who is married to a man 10years older (whom I love and have been with for 30years). I would say don't underestimate the age difference, let alone the hard drug use and the differences of opinion on lifestyle and family.

I'm 56, full of fun, life, plans and energy. DH is now 66, retired and becoming quite set in his ways. I don't regret marrying DH because we get on so well in other areas, however the biggest of our issues (age difference) is the smallest one of yours.
Go and find someone your own age, who shares your values.

He not the man for you. Find someone who wants what you want.

He doesn’t want to move to the country with you, he doesn’t want a family with you but is happy to have sex with you, he smokes drugs and puts them before you. What are the benefits to being in a relationship with this man? You are wasting your time.

I'm sensing something here..

You saw him as a ' doer upper' didn't you? thought that technically here is a man you find attractive..right job/earning capacity and age range.

Did you think you could change the partying and drug taking given time? he doesn't seem to have given you any indication that he wants the same as you, and reluctantly stopped the drug taking for a short while.

Obviously you need to split up, that goes without saying..but I do wonder about your very rigid goals and timeline. I think it's good to have a 'plan' , but you seem perhaps too focussed on finding a partner that ticks all your boxes, and that you will ignore many a red flag and believe many a lie if that person agrees to your goals and life schedule.

I couldn't vote because YABU to be with him for any one of the reasons you gave, and YANBU to have those life goals.

I think it will have occurred to you that you need to find a MUCH better match.

Sorry OP.

You are not compatible. He's in his 40s and he won't mature to match your vision.

Move on and be avaliable for someone who is ready for the life you want.

You do not want to have a child with a stoner and an emotionally cruel man.
Be proactive and leave for a better life, the sooner, the better.

DO NOT waste your fertile years on this loser.

I have problems with my ovaries and from my early twenties, decided I would not be pissing around wasting my years on men who don’t commit. I’m very glad I had my children young. If I was in my thirties and wanting my first child, I certainly wouldn’t be beating around the bush.

Having a child with a drug user is a recipe for disaster. Imagine how he will be around a screaming baby while on a comedown.

I’ve always found these men who want to piss around in their thirties and live the playboy life style, are the ones who end up lonely old men who go abroad to marry and exploit vulnerable, young woman.

I don’t say this lightly but you would be better off pursuing children alone than with particular man. Let him go.

Why would you want a child with someone who can't say they love you?

Either he doesn't love you or he's incapable of expressing love.

Neither is good for your child.

Realistically, if he’s in his forties and still going out every weekend, doing drugs most days, he’s unlikely to have the emotional maturity to commit to a long term relationship. I can’t see this man ever matching your values or even wanting to try. Don’t tie yourself to this bloke. It’ll be a lifetime of picking up the pieces.

He doesn’t love you to pieces and he should!
Plus 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I voted YABU, because he has clearly shown and told you what kind of man he is. Also, why have a child with a 40+ year old man's DNA?

Stop wasting your own time and find someone your own age who has similar goals.

Don't do this to yourself,OP. You deserve so much better. You have to leave him. He probably doesn't want to leave the city because he's got all his drug suppliers sorted where he is now. He has no intention of stopping. Your life is so precious, leave this waste of space and find someone who will love you and wants the same things in life that you do. I wish you all the very best OP, you sound lovely 💐

18 months in you should have met his friends. Maybe it’s more of a situationship for him. Find someone who wants the things you want.

Most people I've known who smoke weed have been unstable. They say it isn't addictive, so why do they need to smoke it so often?

For someone who has such a set idea of how life should go (not necessarily a bad thing but probably a bit naive and narrow minded), you don’t see to be able to open your eyes and actually look at what’s happening in your life.

Just because you set your mind to doing X or Y and tell people about it, it doesn’t it’s going to happen. You need to make sure you’re not wasting time on people who are wasting yours.

It sounds like you’re very proud of how focused and ambitious you are when really, you’ve let a stoner loser waste 18 months of your life.

Maybe it’s time to reassess your goals and how to achieve them?

Also, it doesn't really sound like you are in a real relationship, it sounds like it's more of a sexual relationship than a romantic relationship. It's all fine for him to be intimate with you but he doesn't want to say that he loves you?! That should tell you all you need to know about him. Have some self-respect and ditch him.

He probably likes you a lot OP , but he doesn’t want the same things at the same stages as you do so you need to let it go .

You need to cut your losses.

If you don’t feel up to the suffering of a break up right now, just start dating and once you’ve found a suitable replacement it’ll be easier to give him the boot.

You owe him nothing.

He's not your "partner";
He's using you;
You are worth so much more than this waste of space;
Get rid and go find that special someone who will love you unconditionally, have similar goals to you, be proud to introduce you to all his family and friends, and be happy to work on planning a future together. You can do it OP!

I don’t expect him to change who he is—but
Sorry OP, but you basically want him to change into a completely different person. You want marriage, children, a rural life, peace and calm, he wants none of that, plus he's a stoner so a non-starter for a calm, stable family life.

You are simply not compatible so cut your loses and move on.

What has 18 months got to do with anything? There's no time limit on when you can and can't end a relationship.

You're clearly incompatible. Why are you bothering?

In all honesty whats wrong with weed. I use maybe half a joint before bed to calm my adhd after meds wore off. Helps me check in with emotions as ive realised I've been emotionally unavailable to everyone inc my kids. It's helped me reconnect with myself. Now if he uses it more than just for sleep then nah get rid as he be boring and he's out drinking etc nah. I don't drink I don't use anything else never have never would. But before everyone slags the weed of it helps adhd helps sleep cheaper than alcohol and enables me to check in with my emotions and think clearer not as critical.