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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Have Said I Want An Open Marriage?

5 replies

Beelineshmeeline · 07/05/2025 00:27

NC to not out myself.

I've been married a long time and have kids with DH. We've been through a lot of rough to get to the smooth Inc him cheating in the past.

He's never had a very high sex drive but in recent years he's completely stopped initiating sex, if I don't make a very clear move, we go months without having sex until I do. He's also rejected me many times.

It's knocked my confidence and I feel ugly. I'm toned, I work out and look after myself, but it makes me feel gross. I've really tried to talk to him but it gets me nowhere, he says he didn't realise and he'll keep it in mind then we go to our sexless marriage again.

After a bad few weeks of not even getting a kiss from him I told him if he wants to stay married I want us to have an open one so someone else can make me feel wanted. I'll admit it was a bad way of bringing it up but I do feel like its the only way I can get out of this feeling.

I apologised and said I knew I shouldn't have said it that way bur after a lot of thought I think it's an option. DH is seething with me and hasn't spoken to me since.

Someone just tell me how to fix this. I'm in love with my husband, but this is doing some real damage to me.

OP posts:
Gemmawemma9 · 07/05/2025 00:28

I don’t think an open marriage will fix this or make you feel any better, OP. But I understand that you’ve said this out of desperation and needing something to change. Would he be open to marriage counselling?

Hamandpineapplepizza · 07/05/2025 00:30

I was going to suggest counselling too.

An open relationship has to be fully supported by both parties,. otherwise it's just coercion to support cheating.

Why not just end the relationship?

JenniferBooth · 07/05/2025 00:35

Hes got a cheek after cheating on you in the past. Sounds like one of those men who think women shouldnt really like sex anyway as its ok for him to put you in this position but if the roles were reversed i bet he wouldnt put up with it His cheating past shows that

IcyPlumOtter · 07/05/2025 00:49

Does he have health problems? Stress can really damage a man's sex drive, and so can blood pressure problems and medications, particularly MH meds. Then there's being over weight...

I feel for you. I have gone through patches like that too. DH would never initiate and often rejected me. Months would pass and then he would try it on. I wanted to say no to make him feel like I did, but I didn't. What changed for us was his doctor told him he needed to lose weight and he actually did.

Sexual rejection really does a number on your self esteem. I felt I had become very unattractive. DH was acting so disinterested in me, at couple of events complete strangers tried to pick me up - he didn't notice or care. And while it's ridiculous to rate my confidence by the actions of males, it confirmed to me the problem was with him.

As a PP, said, try counselling. And a doctor's assessment of your DH's health. If you didn't really mean it about the open marriage, that needs to be talked through before it festers beyond repair.

Edit SP

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 07/05/2025 12:44

I voted YABU but with mixed feelings.

YANBU to be unhappy with this situation. However YABU to consider an open marriage - that wonts solve your problems or strengthen your relationship. If anything, it's just pushing the problem down the line. At some point one of you will develop an emotional connection with a sex partner and then things will get really messy.

If your marriage is worth working on, go to counselling and try to save it. Otherwise walk away now before things get worse.

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