How to handle sports day this year?

[cadburyegg]

Sports day is next month and my ds7 is already worrying about it, bless him, and saying how much he hates it. He is the smallest in the year (0.4th centile), he’s hypermobile, he’s always last. My ds10 doesn’t much like it either but will take part begrudgingly.

I have considered taking ds7 out for the day considering he hates it but ds10 would be upset at the unfairness of it unless I take both of them out.

I was always terrible at sports and was last at everything. I wonder if there is a better way of dealing with things other than telling them “it’s not the winning that counts, it’s the taking part!” Surely making kids do races that they hate (my ds7 cried during his last year) isn’t actually very good for their development? Is there a happy medium between taking them out for the day and making them participate in everything? Can I tell them that actually they don’t have to do certain races? My two I think wouldn’t mind doing the egg and spoon / bean bags etc but the running and relay upsets ds7 in particular.

Or am I setting them up for a complete lack of resilience?!

Exactly what benefit do you think other DC derive from the enforced presence of kids who are anxious a month in advance, know they're going to feel humiliated when they come last in everything and don't want to be there? Teaching kids that they ought to go through that because apparently other people will like it is not a mindset any parent should be creating.

It's really complex.

I was terrible at anything athletic and hated every second of it and primary school sports day was usually just terrible for me. Secondary was okay because i wouldn;t be entered for anything.

But I had an unrecognised anxiety disorder which I still have decades later and if my parents had pulled me out of everything I didn't want to do, I wouldn't have done anything so I don;t think that's the way to go all the time.

And i did win the egg and spoon race one year in primary because my dad had told me to focus on the spoon instead of focusing on being the fastest. So while all the other DC were running and dropping the egg and having to pick it up, I was slow and steady and won the race and I have really vivid memories of being cheered towards the finishing line by not just my family, but other parents and that was a lovely experience I wouldn;t have had if my parents kept me home.

I hate this idea that sports day is the ‘one chance a year sporty kids get to shine.’

1. Kids are not divided neatly into ‘sporty + unacademic’ or ‘academic + unsporty’ categories. A lot of kids are good at everything - sports, academics, art, drama, music etc - while a lot hate sports and academics, and sports day is just another day that makes them feel rubbish about themselves.

2. Sports day may be just one day, but PE lessons take place all year round, just like maths lessons. Sporty kids get their chance to shine in those lessons every week, just like the kids good at maths/geography/French etc do well in those lessons. And none of the kids good at academic subjects have any equivalent of sports day where they get to shine in front of a large audience.

3. Sporty kids do sport outside of school! They join sports teams and have meets/matches competing against sporty kids from other schools, giving them a true chance to shine against equal competitors.

I agree in theory - the activity or challenge should be developmentally achievable for the child and, in this case, the activity is running in a race. I don’t think the challenge can be set as winning the race as that’s unachievable for all but one child.

Obviously, there are lots of circumstances in which asking a child to run in a race would be unfair (e.g. additional needs). But the situation here seems to be re losing the races/relays and the feelings that come with that. He’s a little kid - of course he doesn’t like losing. But it sounds like there are other events he doesn’t mind so much, possible because he doesn’t come last, so I feel like the thing to focus on is his successes in other events and how to handle disappointment/not always winning by being there for them through the challenge.

If kids aren’t exposed to disappointment/frustration/not winning, they can find the inevitable challenges of adulthood (not getting a job, missing out on a promotion, rejection from a partner etc.) way harder because they’ve not learnt how to regulate their emotions when things are tough. I’m not saying leaving him to it and tell him to man up, I just think it could be more benefit to support/comfort your child through these situations, especially when they are so little and working out how the world works.

Exactly. Why on earth is it an acceptable message to say school is optional if you dont like what is happening that day.

Building resilience is importnat and finding a role for your kid - time taker, announcer, resetting up the cones etc keeps then part of things.

Children when they grow up will face all kinds of things they don’t want to do in work for example and shouldn’t just pull a sickie.

Speak to the teacher and find a solution that works for your kid - then they learn that problems have solutions rather than just avoiding them. They might have fun if they aren’t just racing.

Ok @StClabberts for creating the “no not I” attitude isn’t going to work either. And when I say doing things for the benefit of others, you know I mean things like when you’re going on a family day out and three members of your family have been desperate to go to the zoo but you really don’t want to go and you can’t be left at home so you have to go. You’re not going for you you’re going for them. You’re going to take part as a family. That’s what I mean by the mindset of doing for other others. There’s a fine line.

Sports days clearly can and do take place without DC who stay at home, so it isn't remotely like your zoo analogy.

What benefit will forcing these DC to take part in sports day, in these conditions, have for other children? If you're arguing that OPs DC need to learn that they should sometimes do things for the benefit of others, you need to clearly spell out what those benefits to others will be.

I agree that someone has to come last but even if you have all the sporty kids take part and none of the non sporty ones (which is unlikely) there will still be someone who comes last. Like the olympics. I don’t agree that my kids should take part so it makes others feel better

do you know what I haven’t got the time to get in an argument. I was merely pointing out that sometimes in life we have to do things that we don’t particularly wanna do and sometimes in life we do things for the benefit of others. Whatever examples you choose to use or not used to explain that to your children is up to you entirely. I can’t dictate what examples or what benefits you want to use.

If you don’t want your children to go sports day, then don’t send them. It’s no mass on me, It’s your kids school you need to talk to. I gave suggestions in one of my posts about what parents could possibly do to try reinvent sports day. I was just throwing out ideas.

The only benefit I can think of is that the sportier children will obviously have a better chance at winning if several non sporty children are taking part.

If these kids are so sporty, I'd imagine they'd enjoy more competitive races rather than un sporty children making it easier for them.

A cynic would think this conveniently timed withdrawal is because you've realised you're going to get absolutely and rightfully monstered if you come out and say OP should send her DC in so the other kids can have the fun of beating them.

Sorry this is a drip feed but I’ve just remembered that last year ds2 wet himself on the day and ds1 participated until I got there and refused to do anything more.

It is, but it further cements the advice that you should just keep them both off.

I think if they’re at this point anxiety wise, I would certainly be more tempted to keep them off. I just flip flop between thinking what’s the harm vs what precedent does this set/do kids need to experience losing.

If you’re happy to share, is he generally sensitive about things or quite competitive/keen to win (in no way asked as a criticism!)? Does he ever struggle with his older brother being bigger/stronger/allowed to do things he isn’t etc.? I guess I’m trying to figure out if he’s struggling a bit with confidence and this puts a spotlight on something he’s feeling regularly.

No, I’m withdrawing because you’re reading between the lines and I realise there’s no point in arguing with you. That’s not what I said, and you know it… but thank you

You said that there'd be benefit to the other DC in them being there and have continually failed to explain what that is. I know this, as do people reading. There is a reason several of us have addressed that particular point. There'd be no need to read between any lines if you would actually back up what you said.

It is, of course, absolutely piss poor parenting advice to suggest that DC should be taken in and forced to participate so that others can beat them.

This is the last I am saying…

DC should be taken in and forced to participate so that others can beat them.

i never said that…. I never said they should go so others can beat them…I SAID…sometimes in life we have to do things to benefit others. Two very different sentences.

Yes, you didn't offer any explanation for what the benefit would be. That's extremely clear. You've used up more time telling us why you're not going to do that than you would've in actually explaining, so naturally multiple people draw their own conclusions.

And unless you explain what you actually meant, the most obvious explanation so far is that you meant they should go so others can benefit from beating them, which is appalling.

How would it benefit other children?

It depends on the kid. Both mine not good at athletics but reasonably decent at other active things (dance/hockey). One was fiercely competitive and self conscious the other non competitive and confident. The latter didn’t like sports day but went as she wasn’t bothered at coming last. The elder found it mortifying so let her stay off.

Well off the top of my head because I can think outside of the bloody box !
He can help to boost morale and encouragement for others who may feel the same way as that child, by them participating they can then motivate others who also might feel unsure or hesitant. Seeing someone else step up, even reluctantly, can be inspiring. That’s a good lesson to teach a child.
Working as a team/team spirit-there can be several team events at sports days and your presence can contribute to that effort. Even showing up shows support and helps build a a sense of community, a sense of unity.
Believe it or not, it can also help to promote inclusivity because by being involved it therefore helps to create an environment where it be enforces the idea that this day is not just for the athletic involved helps create an inclusive environment.
And then there is just a basic setting an example to others whereby you can demonstrate some sort of willingness to take part and ability to be there even though you don’t want to, that you have a willingness to engage with your classmates and your school which again is a quality that other children who may be feeling the same can learn from.

Did you really need me to explain all that to you? So don’t tell me I have a piss poor attitude or a piss poor parenting. I try to instill many characteristics in my children some of them being the ones I have just stated above, but if you don’t wanna do that create a child that has a a mindset of “that’s not for me it’s not about me so therefore I’m not taking part” then go ahead…

I think you have misunderstood, I’m not considering keeping my dc off school because they are unsure or a bit hesitant. If that was the case I’d absolutely encourage them to take part.

I don’t believe other anxious children will benefit from seeing my crying child taking part in a race. In fact it’s probably going to set them all off rather than boosting morale.

My dc have already had to navigate emotional challenges in their lives. Just because something could build resilience doesn’t mean they need to do every hard thing.

I will speak to the teachers when I get a chance to see if there is an option of them sitting out of races or helping etc. I’ll consider pulling them out based on their response.

@Loveduppenguin you've taken a bit of a hammering, but fwiw I agree with the premise of your argument, which is a very reasoned, and reasonable one. As I've said up thread, I have a ND 8yo dd - so I do know what it's like to have a child who resists sports day with everything she's got. What you're saying, I think, is that the choice doesn't have to be binary all or nothing - both options may actually do more harm than good. But just because a child struggles with something, it doesn't just mean you can't or shouldn't support them/ work with them to overcome challenges. After all, life is full of them and it's developmentally appropriate to help them face the things they fear - for whatever reason - surrounded by a comfort blanket.

I've found that schools are really understanding and reasonable if you take the opportunity to communicate with them and work with them on a less scary, but still participative, alternative. You're absolutely right that we should be making sports days more inclusive for everyone, so that nobody feels they are unable to attend. There's a whole range of options and adjustments that can and should be utilised, so children are involved and participation, and learn some life skills and values, without feeling completely lost and broken.

• Sit with your team mates and cheer along (selflessness, teamwork).
• Help set up/ coordinate things (leadership skills, teamwork)
• Sit with a parent or trusted adult and watch until you are ready to be involved (perseverance, resilience)
• Pick an event you particularly enjoy, sit the rest out.

It doesn't have to be a binary choice. The most effective one is often the middle ground.

Yes, we needed you to explain what you meant. We got there in the end, kindly assuming that this is what you genuinely were thinking when you made the initial claim. And these arguments are so bad that you can't have thought others were going to infer them from the little that you wrote.

Showing up and pissing yourself shows support and builds a community? I know OP drip fed, but she'd posted about that before you wrote this. I do not believe there are many children who derive important support from other children's fear and anxiety, but anyone who does needs that nipping in the bud right now, rather than facilitated. Failure to understand this would indeed be piss poor parenting if your DC were either of the ones in this scenario. Not sure how this amounts to engagement with classmates either, but explanation doesn't seem to be your strong point.

On the point of being part of a team, please tell me you don't think the other kids are all going to welcome someone who's extremely poor at sports on their team? Just as likely to result in mocking and resentment, creating problems. Naturally, this is not likely to motivate other children who may be feeling the same way to take part.

Absolute, weapons grade nonsense and not something any parent ought to pay any attention to.

I think with some children it's a case of do the positives outweigh the negatives and in a lot of cases, it doesn't and sports day does nothing but teach a child to hate sport and fitness which isn't what we want either.

Thanks for clarifying. You always get a few people on a sports day thread basically saying that sporty kids need to shine so need the non sporty kids there which is I think why a few people assumed that is what you was meaning.