My toddler hates me

[Heartbrokenmummy00]

I’m so heartbroken I don’t know what to do. Me and my partner adopted a little girl over 3 years ago. She’s almost 4 now.

Everything is great and I love her with every cell of my body but since maybe 1.5 years ago she just wants daddy, but not only that I also think she prefers everyone but me.

If my partner is there it’s almost like I don’t exist and also says things like “go away mummy” “no get out”. If I collect her from nursery she’ll cry cause it’s not daddy. If I wake her in the morning first thing she’ll ask is to see daddy. She never asks for me or wants to be held by me.

If she hurts herself and I try to comfort her she will push me away to go with daddy. I am absolutely devastated and heartbroken I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

If I’m on my own with her it’s okay and we have a great time, but the moment daddy is there or grandma or granny or an uncle I’m at the bottom of the pit.

I have her every Friday for the day as I work part time so I do spend quality time with her but I genuinely feel if I died tomorrow she wouldn’t care less. What am I doing wrong?

Sounds pretty normal tbh! Most toddlers are like this with their primary carer.

I agree, totally normal. I was favourite for a while when she was younger, but now and for the past year at least daddy is by far the favourite! Try not to worry about it.

Sounds normal. Toddlers are awful creatures. She’s just exploring boundaries and it is because she loves you, and feels totally secure in your relationship that she’s able to do this. She knows you will always love her, there isn’t a doubt in her mind.

It is a phase and it will pass.

This is very normal. She doesn’t hate you. You have to ride it out and at some point she will probably want you more than her dad.

You are doing nothing wrong from what you have written. She is just being a toddler!

Make sure you make the most of your Fridays, doing things that require her to work with you. Swimming for example is a good one - she can't ignore you or she will drown!

And make sure your OH has your back, and that he is not enforcing this view. She wants to do something with him? Make sure you are an integral part of the activity. She wants Daddy to help get her dressed? Then Mummy needs to help choose the clothes, and make sure silly Daddy has done the buttons right.

And it won't be long before she wants you and not him - toddlers are fickle things.

Don't worry about Grandparents etc - just focus on you three.

Think this is a toddler right of passage! It made me so competitive with my DH to try be the "fun one". Even resorted to complete bribery - toy shop visits and chocolate. Not going to lie, that did work a bit. 🙈 But overall it does pass, just stings until it does.

Wow, it’s not just me. My son is 5, autistic and non-verbal so doesn’t say things but will scratch, hit and pull my hair and sometimes ignore me or only want his dad. He is his primary carer as I have always worked (earned more money and it made sense however I deeply, deeply regret it). I do also get lovely cuddles, kisses, interaction, play and I am always the one who can calm him down the quickest and soothe him and also the only one who can get him to sleep easily because I sing to him and stroke his head until he falls asleep. He also loves baths with me. But it doesn’t stop the crying.

I do know that my partner being the primary carer makes a huge difference, but it also makes me feel incredibly guilty and like I’m letting him down even though I’m just trying to keep a roof over our heads.

That must be really hard to hear, but it's because she feels safe enough to express an opinion.
Her opinion is not that she hates you though xxxx

It's really not unusual for a child to have a preferred parent.
But also, your daughter has had a traumatic start in life and attachment is going to be a difficult area for her, so it might be worth seeking the help of a therapist?

I am yet to meet a mum to a toddler who doesn’t complain of this. It’s so so normal. In fact would be weird if it didn’t happen!

Sounds very hard.

I'm no expert and could be way off the mark, but maybe she's acting out her abandonment/rejection trauma on you?

Like classically in a divorce after a dad leaves, the dc get quite nasty with the parent who stays, as they're a "safe target" for the anger and sadness. (happened to me)

In a way, it might be a sign she's securely bonded with you and could be a good thing she's getting that early difficulty out at this stage?

I hope it settles soon.

Oh hon it's completely normal, toddlers are vile. She'll swing back your way soon enough 💐♥️ xx

Thanks all, reading these comments made me cry.

I just wished for once she asked for me or wanted to cuddle me. I can honestly say in the last year she’s only asked for me once.

How long does this phase last!?

My son went through a phase of this. Maybe 6 months?!

I was going to say this! My DS was like this with me around that age. It’s the lovely gift you get for making them feel so secure, unfortunately. They know no matter what they do you’ll always be there. Other people become more interesting and they’re pushing away from you to assert a little independence as an individual.
It won’t last. My DS is nearly 8 now and definitely a mummy’s boy

My youngest DD was just like this too. She was a proper Daddy's girl. Fine if he was at work but the minute he was home she wanted nothing to do with me. We had an older DD too and sometimes it would feel like it was me and her, and then my DH and our youngest. Our family felt a little divided and it felt sad at times.

But its definitely just toddler behaviour, pushing boundaries and being stubborn and expressing themselves. They have no idea their words 'sting' so try and let it roll off you when she says things. She doesn't mean it. She doesn't really properly understand what she is saying and how her words can hurt or understand why. She just knows she wants what she wants in that moment. I know its hard, but please try not to take it personally and just keep doing all the things you are doing now. Spending one on one time together, creating bonds, reading together and it will all come together as she grows.

In our case, we rode it out and over the next year it improved massively. She started asking for me, wanting me, wanting me to pick her up and the clinginess towards her Daddy got less and less. By the time she went to school full time it had gone completely. She would actually ask for me more at this stage.

Our relationship over the years of her growing up, going to secondary school etc etc just grew and grew and we are now best friends and closer than ever and its mostly 'Momma' that she comes to if she wants comfort or a hug or some advice.

She is still, sometimes, a bit of a Daddy's girl though, even though she is now a young adult. Hang in there. She does love you. ❤

Ah op that's really hard. All children can go through phases of wanting a specific person and that's completely normal - my ds had a spell of only wanting daddy too and I really secretly hated it! That being said, your little girl will have experienced trauma that even she may never fully understand. I would ask to speak to your family social worker or the adoption team you worked with for some support. There may be family history there that might give context to the attachment that's forming between you and her or they may be able to help you come up with good strategies to help with bonding.

I would also question the dynamics in your house specifically how much time do you and her spend time alone vs her and her daddy alone. Is there a good cop bad cop dynamic forming (sometimes this is totally unintentional and can simply be because one parent is home more so ends up doing more disciplining/grunt work parenting by default). How does your partner work to reinforce your relationship with her and have you communicated this to them and come up with a united approach?

I would be thinking about if there's any shared interests you and her could do together and make it your "thing". Something she enjoys or something new she might like that you could learn together as long as she enjoys it. Don't put pressure on it, just have fun together and let that grow naturally.

On a very basic level it may be that there's a difficulty for her in securely attaching to a mother figure because her attachment with her birth mother has been interrupted for whatever reason. Obviously this is perhaps harder to resolve and take a marathon approach rather than a sprint. I think in that instance making sure you have your own support will be important while you work through that with her.

I think you're inadvertently putting a lot of your own needs (for her to love and bond with you) onto this child. And I totally get why, you want to be the best possible mummy to her that you can be which is the very best of intentions, but adoption is about what she needs rather than what you need. She doesn't hate you - she's too little to be capable of that and your use of language in your op is what is making me question who this is really about. I think you need support in order to manage your expectations because you're in this for the long haul and you're only human - what you're expressing here is completely natural and normal but it could run away with you unless you keep it in check. Is there a support group for adoptive parents near you that you could join? I have no doubt you're not the only adoptive parent going through this. That being said I'm really glad she has you there, loving her so hard and wanting to work through this with her.

This. Adopting is going to be an added complication to the usual toddler craziness. Do you have support for this? Wen you adopted did they go through with you the attachment issues it might present?

I was thinking a little more about this this morning. At the park with my mum & toddler, and DC does not want to know me when she's here. 😂 Totally normal, and a nice break, but it made me think of the things that helped when toddler was daddy obsessed.

I found I really had to look at the dynamics we'd fallen in too at home. I was picking up more of the domestic chores, leaving my DH as the fun one. I had to reprioritize a little, to spend more time being fully present. Obviously not able to do that 100% of the time, so tried my best to have 15 minutes of one on one connection before doing a task that was necessary. So 15 minutes of engaged play before laundry / cooking / cleaning. Where possible I involved them in the task too.

I also put the phone down way more - had fallen into endless scrolling.

& Focused on child led play. I made a big effort not to direct the play, and to let them lead the way. I didn't ask questions or interrupt the flow of it.

Plus, focused on things I enjoyed and just folded the toddler in. We do a lot of days out with nature walks, coffee shop visits, baking, swimming etc., and they enjoy it more because I'm not forcing myself to pretend to enjoy it.

A PP mentioned this but your DH has to make an effort to big you up during this time too. Lots of compliments in front of DD. "Isn't mummy great for playing that with you!" And the way he treats you will be the way they treat you too.

Even now there's some days my toddler is a demon child for me, because I'm their safe space. But we have a lot of fun together too!

Hang in there, it does get easier. ,💐

Please do not be devastated and heartbroken at the actions of a toddler! She has very little rational thought and barely a grasp of empathy at her age. You are a grown up and should be able to manage both much better . Maybe try to see the bigger picture here, also get some decent parenting books. Good luck.

I second those who say DH has to have her alone for several hours, preferably all evening or overnight, as often as possible.

He has to sometimes be the one to enforce discipline, tell her 'no', teach her manners, be busy with chores when she wants him, tell her 'later', be too tired to give her attention, etc.

He can't leave all that to you so that she only ever sees him as fully available, attentive, and 'nice'.