DM: ‘Sorry to hear’ after almost ending my life

[motherissuesmh]

Hi, I’m feeling a bit crappy about the way my mum responded to a message from my partner, to see if I’m BU to be upset.

I have bipolar disorder and so does my mum. However I’ve had more episodes than her, which have mostly been seasonal and medication-related (they have constantly been changed over the years) as well as one episode from bad burnout. Therefore I don’t really discuss it with her as she doesn’t like it and feels I’m seeking attention when she also has bipolar and it doesn’t affect her like that.

Last year I had a severe episode of mania, the first actual episode of real mania rather than hypomania. It lasted about 9 months and I ended up getting help. Whilst I wasn’t actively talking about my mental health my symptoms were obvious and she threatened to have me sectioned if I didn’t sort it out.

It definitely affected our relationship and ever since I started to get better I have really made every effort I can to apologise for everything and never talk about feeling unwell.

3 months ago I had my medication changed and I’ve been in a bad place ever since, really really low.

They took me off pregabalin and lurasidone in one go with one week to taper off both before switching to quetiapine. It’s honestly been awful ever since.

I tried contacting the mental health clinic multiple times and kept being put through to duty which constantly goes through to voicemail, and I couldn’t get an appointment until the summer, and advised A&E if I was a danger to myself.

I have a little boy and my partner to live for and I wasn’t at that point, I was fighting for them.

However I’ve continued to feel worse and worse to the point I’ve lost income (self employed), spent all weekend crying and I don’t know what happened yesterday but from the moment I woke up I was crying and couldn’t stop. I just felt so awful. I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. It was too painful.

I asked my partner to take our little boy over to see his grandma for the day. It was hard to let go from cuddling them and I just said the crying whilst hugging them was because I had been doing it all day (not around my son).

DP clicked on and asked if I was going to anything stupid and I said I just wanted some time to myself because I was feeling low.

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I was feeling a bit drowsy and he let me sit in the bath for a while whilst he was with me. I instantly started crying because I realised what I had done and I saw his face and him crying and I felt so fucking selfish and guilty and knew deep down it wasn’t the way. I couldn’t believe I’d even do that to my son and I am so ashamed to write this because I know it’s an awful thing to do to them.

I vomited everything up (had not taken enough to do real harm) and he stayed with me and my son stayed the night at my MIL. I called the mental health clinic this morning and they kept sending me through to duty with no answer; the receptionist could hear the state I was in and said she would email everyone involved with my care to make sure someone contacts you.

Two hours later my lead practitioner and on duty turned up at my door without even telling me (I freaked thinking they were going to put me in hospital) but they just came over and talked to me and helped put a plan in action and promised to call me daily until an appointment to review meds (I trust him as he has always been lovely to me).

My partner messaged my mum (she works from home until 3 so can be more available though doesn’t have my son very much) and he told her what had happened and whether he could come take our son over while I’m with them for privacy. She just wrote back ‘Sorry to hear. No I’m working.’

I didn’t really think about it because I had the lead practitioner there but when they left I thought about it and felt really hurt by it and quite embarrassed in case she thought I was attention seeking and being over dramatic.

Firstly, I am so grateful that I didn’t end my life yesterday because I have been given some hope today and realised what I have to live for. Please be kind because it really was not for attention and I have never even attempted or had a plan before.

But I am bit hurt by my mum because I thought given the severity she might be understanding.

I am probably being stupid and she is probably tired of me so I do get it from her point of view

Mental health issues run through my family. When I was hospitalised for the first time in my 50s, the only people in my life who were unkind to me was my parents and siblings. They just couldn’t cope I suppose. I was very lucky to have a fabulous DH and friends who were there for me.

I have learnt to accept my family for how they actually are and how they make me feel. I tell them nothing of the emotions of my life. And accept that how they feel I am isn’t the truth. How your mother feels about your illness and your behaviour isn’t the truth.

Bipolar is a challenging mood disorder than affects people very individually. I didn’t know I had it till I was mid 50s. I’ve never gone fully manic and never gone very low or had any suicidal thoughts and I’ve still found it very hard to live with. So you’ve already done an amazing job of keeping going. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom and they can get better with support and medication. I like to read what people doing well in the public eye say about living with bipolar (eg Alan Ritchson) as I don’t talk about it with people I know. All the best.

Hi OP

We're so sorry to hear this. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our mental health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We don't allow mentions of method - we've edited it out now, to save pulling the whole thread.

I’m doing a group treatment therapy with quite a few fellow sufferers of BPD. We’re doing the course together as my ADHD results in BIG emotions & responses, including depression, suicidal ideation etc. we are being taught skills on DBT, it’s been super helpful so far. Today’s group was about radical acceptance and how stuff hurts, but not accepting it causes suffering. I realise I use this with my mum’s reactions to when I’m talking about some of my emotional issues- she just can’t accept it. I don’t get the emotional cushion I need from her.

I can either accept this and try and find that cushion else where or I can wish that she was like that & feel bad about it, and hoping that she’ll change. It’s rough OP, and I think it’s a really big one to get over. I really hope you get the support you deserve to overcome this rough patch. This soon will pass and you will be the amazing mum & partner you know inside you are xx