To unicorn hat or not to unicorn hat?

[3ormorecharacters]

For some background, I have a 4yo DD and a 2yo DS. I've never been very girly or I suppose "gender conforming" in today's terms, and DH and I have both always been keen to avoid gender stereotypes with our kids. We've kept everything very neutral for them both, but of course DD has ended up obsessed with soft toys and unicorns (though does also like space, bugs, microscopes etc) and DS is obsessed with construction vehicles (though also loves pink and hair clips!).

DD needed a new sun hat so I let her browse some on Vinted, she came across the most hilariously garish, bad taste unicorn hat and absolutely lit up. I bought it for her and she hasn't stopped talking about it since, asking when it's coming and to look at pictures of it etc.

I showed my DH expecting him to laugh but he was really cross that I'd bought it for her. We had a long and quite heated discussion about it. My feelings are that she's old enough to have some say over what she wants, and there's nothing inherently 'bad' about pink and unicorns as part of a balanced diet. He feels that all these subtle messages are part of the process that stereotypes and pigeon holes girls and ultimately keeps them out of STEM type careers. I kind of agree but also, it's a hat?! He's very lawyerish and hard to argue against though. I'm interested to hear the opinions of others?

Buy her the hat. It’s fine for you to choose not to gender conform and not pigeonhole your child, but your child should still have the choice to wear what they wish should it be age appropriate.

Buy her the hat she wants.

Fucking hell, he's going to cry when she goes to school...

Lesson learned: don’t let them choose from the vinted grid

Get him a unicorn hat too so he can demonstrate they are not just for girls!

@3ormorecharacters I'd rather be a unicorn than a sheep 🤣

Unicorns are brilliant. Get the hat.

Wtf, so he's so keen to avoid female stereotypes that he's going to push her towards male stereotypes..?

This

I have DD9 and DS6. DD was in to all things unicorns and sparkles. She has outgrown them a bit, but is still in to rainbows and pink. DS's favourite colour is pink. He likes sequins and rainbow colours and dogs. He likes to wear DD's skirts and tutu.

Both are excelling in maths.

Whilst your DH has a good point, as it is an issue, I prefer to go down the 'you can wear whatever you want' line. We do struggle more with DS and when it's suitable to wear a tutu!

I think DH will benefit from remembering that our DC often turn out to have very different ideas and attitudes from the ones we hold ourselves. We may be able to influence but we can't indoctrinate, unless we want to run the risk of alienating them.
Plenty of girls who wore pink and have stereotypical interests go into STEM.

Oh good god, get her the hat.

Your husband wants his DD to be interested in STEM careers/subjects but also wants to dictate what she wears…… slightly conflicting.

I also tried to steer my DD away from unicorns and sequins but as soon as she hit primary school they were f*cking everywhere.

Let your little girl be a little girl. If she wants to be a girly girl in a lab coat, encourage that x

Remind him that Unicorns don’t actually exist, and ask him if he feels the same way about Santa hats at Christmas.

I think you're kind of both right, really, but you can't really do the kind of neutral where you avoid pink and blue etc. these days because they're ubiquitous and she'll see all the other children with them. In the 80s my mum dressed us in brown velour tracksuits and refused to buy us barbies, but there were so many toys and clothes that were not totally polarised into 'for boys' and 'for girls' at that point that it was far less obvious and didn't occur to us to mind. I think society has massively swung back the other way and it's not particularly helpful, especially for little girls, so I sort of agree with your DH in that sense. But I think it means if you want to do 'neutral' now, it's making sure she has a mix of unicorns and spaceships - if you ban unicorns she'll just want them more and it'll put her off all the things your DH wants her to have (and which she currently also likes) - as you say, a balanced diet.

I also think that the pigeonholing happens a fair bit later if girls still like stereotypically 'girly' things in their teens and they - and teachers and employers - don't see any girls like them going on to do STEM and assume it's therefore not for them. But most four year olds are going to have a unicorn phase and then get over it, so it's probably fine to just let her have it now. And you've got years to help her understand in various ways that you can do STEM if you want to, even if you like girly stuff. Who knows, maybe we'll even see some progress by then and there will be more girls doing STEM without having to behave more like boys to be taken seriously.

My DS, who is nearly 4, likes to wear a unicorn hoodie with unicorn leggings and unicorn wellies (with HORNS on!) but he also wants to be a marine biologist when he grows up.

Your husband is wrong. Your eldest should be able to choose what she wants to wear as opposed to what he wants her to wear.

Please note the emphasized part. He's being no different in principle than a dad who wants his kid to wear gendered clothing - he thinks his wishes as to what she wears override hers.

My youngest wore a tiara and still learned to use tools.

Dsil is the complete opposite of you, completely pushed gender stereotyping from day 1 with DN. For her 1st birthday party, the house was decorated top to bottom with unicorn paraphernalia and bright colours. It looked like a unicorn had thrown up all over the house and garden. Guests were encouraged to dress in bright colours and were provided with a unicorn headband to wear upon arrival.
Birthday themes, clothing, toys etc up until about 5yo continued with a similar vein and then DN wanted her own preferences and there was not a unicorn in sight! DN now 8 prefers jeans and tshirts, toned down colours and loves karate.
Buying a hat your DD loves is not pushing her into any stereotype and preferences change massively once they go to school!

Yes this.

What keeps women and girls out of STEM (btw husband these aren’t the only worthwhile careers either) is sexism.

And by sexism, in this very particular case, I mean “girls things” as being seen as lesser. The answer is not to reject the “girls things” (ie be sexist himself). The answer is to break down the idea that “girls things” are negative/weak/silly/foolish/embarrassing/an insult.

your husband has literally just contributed to the sexist, patriarchal world we still live in. He should applaud his daughter’s choices and say wow! A pink unicorn hat how cool! And ask her brother if he wants one too.

instead, what he has done is run around saying REMOVE THE PINK! REMOVE THE UNICORNS! It is akin to saying that she should change for other people’s sexist judgements and hide what she enjoys and that her choosing this unicorn hat somehow means she won’t be taken seriously and get into a STEM career. It’s so sexist. Of course if he just wants her to mask her unicorn habit and fit in, he’s going the right way about it.

But if he genuinely wants to contribute to breaking down negative gender stereotypes (which negatively impact both sexes btw) here is a lovely story which shows the right way to handle it. https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-43655643.amp

Me thinks Legally Blonde might need to be the film choice for tonight, eh?

People shouldn't forget though that OP's DD isn't choosing clothes in a vacuum - OP's DH is presumably not against unicorns as mythical animals per se, but against the social conditioning that tells his DD that certain things are for girls and other things are not for girls, and the fact that, as she gets older, the things that are for girls are going to be taken less seriously than the things that are not, and there is a risk that she will be taken less seriously too. That is not unreasonable of him.

(I still think the unicorn hat is fine, btw - but DH clearly does have a point that all the pink tutus etc. are not just choices that little girls spontaneously make with their nascent ovaries).

This^
to be honest these fights for gender neutrality are so so ridiculous.

Dd2, 8, is mad about her dolls and plays with loads of Barbies. She also is wearing g pretty much exclusively boys clothes at the moment because she also loves blue and dinosaurs and performed exceedingly well at laser tag with some older children at the weekend!

Dd1 is 10 and enjoys a bit of glittery eyeshadow, the pink fluffy horror that is Girl Talk magazine and is excelling in maths.

You just have to let them be their own people. She might hate unicorn hats but also hate science! And point out to your husband that he is trying to control what his daughter wears and suggest that he is perhaps a touch hypocritical.

🙄 I take it your DH doesn’t have a STEM background himself, otherwise he would understand that girls don’t catch misogyny and gender stereotyping from liking the colour pink any more than boys catch the gay from liking pink.

Can he not see the difference between parents reinforcing gender stereotypes by choosing stereotypical colours and toys for their child and a child making their own choice based on their personal preferences? If he wants your DD to grow up believing that she can make her own choices and that her choices are not restricted by her sex, perhaps he ought to let her make her own choices…

I mean, if it’s okay for your DS to like pink and hair clips, why isn’t it okay for your DD to want a pink hat? It seems like he only wants to encourage gender non-conforming choices… Ask him what message that is giving your DC?

Bloody drama about nothing

Judging by his reaction, I presume your little boy has nothing with diggers, skeletons, dragons, dinosaurs, tools etc on it...

Absolutely not. There is no way in hell I would tolerate my husband dictating to my daughter how she has to be as a woman. I’d have taken his head off and then told him to wind what’s left of his neck in.

Would he have objected to your DS wanting a unicorn hat, seeing as he (your DS) already likes pink and hair clips?