To think that most people don’t want love, they want validation with better packaging?

[SereneQuoter]

It feels like a lot of people don’t actually want a healthy, stable relationship. They want someone to constantly reassure them they’re lovable, smart, beautiful, successful - whatever insecurity they have. AIBU to think what many call “love” today is just emotional validation wrapped up in romance?

Well in the past 'love' and relationships was mostly about women being unable to work, somewhere to live etc ...

I think that everybody wants a loving, emotionally healthy, stable relationship. The barrier that gets in the way of that for many people is not necessarily knowing what that looks like (because of lack of modelling of good relationships in childhood to use as a template), emotional flaws such as poor self confidence, jealousy and insecurity creating dysfunction, combined with cultural mores which often give the impression that unhealthy relationships are desirable - for example, this pervasive idea that drama = passion, and a cycle of arguing and breaking up and getting back together again means that you’re star crossed lovers who can’t live without each other, rather than people engaging in a very damaging dynamic.

I'm not sure. As a single professional woman, the most recent dates I have tried, one wanted me to be at his beck & call and to cook him complex meals, one wanted me to fit in the wife-shaped hole his ex-wife had left.
The one before that was looking for a mummy replacement and money, the one before that was seriously controlling and the one before that wanted a mum replacement and banker. too.

That's the last 20 years.

I just want someone normal. Shares dates and bills and ideas and effort. An equal. Open to having a bit of relaxed fun.

God, it's hard to find!

All right, Carrie Bradshaw, calm down

Validation is an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s just someone letting you know that they see you and notice what you’re experiencing. When Dh comes into the kitchen and I’m crying because my cancer treatment means it’s hard for me to walk some days and I literally get stuck places, it’s saying, are you okay? Rather than just wandering on past to get a beer and not acknowledging that he’s seen I’m having a hard time.

I definitely don’t want ‘romance’. Well, I mean, maybe on occasion, we could have a little romance. But in a long term stable happy relationship, of course, a big part of that is supporting someone by being their biggest cheerleader. My Dh happens to be lovable and attractive and successful and smart. Why wouldn’t I let him know he’s all these things?

I mean, if you’re talking about people posting on social media to say how fantastic their partners are, yeah, that’s silly and often pretty fake.

But loving someone in a healthy relationship involves a good bit of emotional validation. We all need to hear that people in our lives see us and value us. If your partner isn’t making you feel attractive and lovable and smart (assuming you aren’t dumb as bricks 😂), then you don’t have a very supportive partner.

Everyone experiences love differently. Each one of us are unique and have equally idiosyncratic, specific needs and desires. Im a romantic and do believe there is someone, perhaps more than just the one person, for each and every one of us. Your perception of love and need is going to be different to someone elses. I’d worry less about what others are doing or feeling and just focus on what you want, desire and like - being that energy to you. Let the others get on with it xx