Lack of consideration from partner with my emotional crisis

[TransitionPrimarySecondary]

Hi everyone

My 47yrs old sister is fighting a very unexpected and aggressive bone cancer

Things are moving fast and not looking good

I am travelling to my home country today to see her, 12hrs away by flight

I have been really heartbroken and my partner doesn’t seem to understand the kind of support I am expecting from him

His sexual energy is, right now, too much for me. I have gone to sleep much later than him in the last days as I have been having calls with relatives about the situation, arranging my trip which is today. I am aware of his needs and we had sex around 3 days ago, I even did oral sex for him

He has said more than once this days that I am emotionally distant from him. I have found myself asking more than once for a hug, it is just what I need right now ad it feels as if I was begging really

Well, last night I went to bed at the same time with him and he hold my hand. I didn’t want to hug him as I wasn’t up for sex, had he just hugged me as a little bye for my at least 2 weeks trip had been really appreciated

He goes out of the room and few min later I went out to see him masturbating in the living room while watching porno. I couldn’t avoid a reaction. I just asked him why he couldn’t wait until the next day! I went to another room, he follows me and I just want him to leave me alone. I ran to the living room asking him to leave me alone and he says that I need a mental assessment, that I was scaring him and that he would call the police

I swear for my sister, I did not show any signs of violence, I was just very teary and upset. I even did not have the energy to scream. As soon as he said he would call the police I made a video, I think it was instinctive just to protect myself. He then goes saying how overreactive I have been and that it is sad as our relationship is not the same anymore. Nobody expected what happened to my sister and I have felt let down by him a lot about this

I slept in another room and texted him telling him that we need to talk about what happened, he, me AND a therapist at the same time. His lack of consideration has really affected me more and even though I will focus now on my trip and seeing my sister, probably to say bye, I think I need a third party to start closure with this relationship. Please let me know your thoughts. He was terrified saying that he was not watching porno and now I am sure that was one of the issues with one of his exes

Good luck with your travel today.

It sounds as though things are understandably very difficult and heightened for you. I'm not sure that your husband has done anything wrong. And it does sound as if your behaviour is quite concerning (why would you need the energy to scream? Why video him?) so his concern may be genuine. But we can't tell from this post.

The thing is that there is a lot of heat in this situation because you are in a very, very difficult place and managing a lot of emotions right now. If you can 'park' the issues with your husband, focus on your sister for now, and then work through some of this with a therapist at a later point.

Good luck.

You have very very poor expectations of male behavior

OP - he doesn’t have needs he has wants

His concern for OP may be genuine, I absolutely agree with OP that surely he could have waited until she left to give himself a little bit of TLC?

I hope you are not married to him, in your shoes I'd be letting him go.

Perhaps, but people react very oddly to imminent bereavement, and at least he took himself out of the room. I don't want anyone policing when I can masturbate in private; it seems very unreasonable. (I'm assuming his 'watching porn' was on a phone and not a 48-inch lounge tv)

WTAF

This man sounds fucking horrid.

You're emotionally distraught, about to set off on a long trip to see a dying sister, and he can't even wait til you leave the house to start wanking? As someone mentioned above, he doesn't have "needs" - he wants to wank, and he did so, regardless that his partner is an emotional wreck and in bits, his wants were above that. He sounds like an absolute gem. You're emotional. you're tired, you even performed for him (probably when you didn't want too), but yet he still is moaning that you're "distant" - yes because when you're not, he assumes it's time to fuck. Throw this one back. I'd rather be single than have a man who thinks his sexual wants trump every single thing. 😒

His sexual energy is, right now, too much for me. I have gone to sleep much later than him in the last days as I have been having calls with relatives about the situation, arranging my trip which is today. I am aware of his needs and we had sex around 3 days ago, I even did oral sex for him

He has said more than once this days that I am emotionally distant from him. I have found myself asking more than once for a hug, it is just what I need right now ad it feels as if I was begging really

At least he didn’t wank off on porn in the same room while you were upset about your sister - beyond low standards

Bit sad you felt could not hug in bed without feeling you were offering sex

the calling the police filming yourself got really intense and out of control , I would suggest counselling

but he seems a bit of an emotionally cold over sexed pig

He sounds vile and sexually coercive.

There are some posters on here whose expectations of a male partner are in the gutter.

Your whole post shows that you fear him and the possible consequences if you say no to sex, especially if saying no after accepting some physical affection/comfort from him.

I think I need a third party to start closure with this relationship.

Do you not feel that you can leave him/ask him to leave without putting yourself at risk of abusive behaviour from him? Do you have a third party to help you? You can contact Women's Aid:

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/?gl=11bgevxmxmgaMjEzMjU4MjU1OC4xNzQ2NTI2ODUxxgaa_C8H9JGBD77*czE3NDY1MjY4NTAkbzEkZzAkdDE3NDY1MjY4NTAkajAkbDAkaDA.

I am so sorry that you are going through this while so worried about your sister. 🩷

Putting the porn thing to one side for the moment, he has shown no extra care or consideration for what you're going through. It sounds like he is not providing you with any level of emotional support. It sounds like he is still expecting sex. And it sounds like he is accusing you of being emotionally distant because you're not as up for sex and have your mind on other things (understandably). This all points to someone at best who has little empathy and at worst a selfish and unsupportive partner. Most people would prioritise their partners emotional wellbeing at a time like this and it sounds like you feel he is not doing this.

The porn depends on what your boundaries are around this but I'd personally find it a bit off putting doing it in the living room, not very private and seems like he doesn't care if he is walked in on. Also the fact he could have spent some time with you but chose to do that instead.

I also think that calling someone mental is a red flag, of course you're going to be emptional at the moment and it's not very helpful.

I wouldn't make any major decisions now but I'd focus on my sister and worry about the relationship at a later date

Living room when your partner is still awake isn't private though...

I'm sorry for what you and your family are currently experiencing 🫂.

Your partner sounds dangerous. Of course you're mentally imbalanced - You're struggling and he's unsupportive. Why would he call the police?

He has said more than once this days that I am emotionally distant from him @TransitionPrimarySecondary

Obviously, and it's completely normal and understandable for any reasonable person.

Why does he expect your full attention at all times?

It's sad to me that you aren't able to expect a hug without it being a signal for sex, and that you seem scared to outright refuse sex.

He went into the living room to watch porn as a way to manipulate you. He could have waited until you were asleep or gone the next day, but he wanted to make a point and upset/hurt you.

Threatening to call the police - again, not to support you but to scare, hurt and manipulate you.

He's abusive and it's worrying that pp on here can't see that and ae making excuses for him and taking his side.

I'm sorry about your sister 💐
I suspect you and your dp know he is not going to be supportive when you return home, you will want to be free of him.

Or it could be a sensible reaction to an abusive and controlling partner

My exh showed his true colours when my dgm was in icu..
When she died he wanted me to ask her dd for all his fuel costs for the trips he took me to visit her.. We divorced soon after....
He isn't a partner to you op. Go be with your dsis and maybe reassess your future with him when you get back.