Other people's children- commenting on the parenting of others

[lawmum3]

We have just returned from a weekend away with friends and respective children. All of the families bar one have children of a similar age (7-12). The exception have slightly older boys at 13 and 15. The exception family genuinely seem to think their kids can do no wrong and can be left "unparented" because of their ages. They also allow their kids to swear - which is their choice but uncomfortable when they allow it in front of the other families' children. The parents of the teens genuinely believe they are amazing parents and give the rest of us parenting tips. Tips that- it is safe to say- we do not follow.

On our return from the weekend away, I found out that my 12 year old son was slapped across his face by the 15 year old (who is tall and broad and a good 8 or so inches taller than my son) because my son annoyed him.

I feel that the slapping is completely inappropriate given the age (and size) difference between the children. It is clear that my son was too intimidated to mention it at the time of the weekend away because the 15 year old was still present and is still a bit shook up by it. My son has younger siblings himself and they do occasionally physically fight (and told off for it). However, the experience of being hit by someone considerably bigger and older has clearly rattled him.

There are also issues with the 13 year old child of this family. He does furtive mean things to the younger children (nothing too sinister- things like removing toys to deliberately upset them - nothing dangerous). However, I feel like he needs to be watched at all times. In our group situations, this seems to fall on the other parents to do, as his own parents think as he is older, he does not need close supervision.

I feel awful that I did not know that the slap happened at the time. We were all in a holiday house and not all the people were in the same room at the same time all of the time (we were spread out across the garden, bedrooms, lounges).

As we do not see this friendship group too often, I am tempted to not say anything. By the time we meet up again- possibly in a year's time- I will just need to ensure that my kids have an even wider berth from the older troublesome teens.

However, I have a doubt about this "burying my head in the sand" approach; is it better to put a marker down and make the parents aware?

As I feel at the moment, I am not inclined to see the teen family at all. I am not the sort of person who likes to exclude others, so it's a tricky situation: it is not as simple as "just don't invite that family in future"- we have been meeting up as the same group (with or without kids) for more than twenty years. It would be obvious if we simply stopped inviting one family.

I think my question is: at what point is it appropriate to comment on other parents' discipline/parenting approaches?

Tell your firends of their child's behaviour in a telephone calldirect with mother.. Just to keep them informed. Suggest a written note of apology to your child might be nice. (Don't be upset ifthere is nothing done.)

Prepare befor next meeing those kids.
Be perfectly clear with your children that hitting is not on and that the older child was out of line.
Ask your children to tell you immediately if it happens again.
Be watchful and respond if it does occur. Hopefully the boy has learnt some better social interaction skills.

I think you were right to say something but you are at risk of a problem because she will not believe you and/or will think her son was justified. I speak from experience with my sister and nephew.

It is difficult to manage these sorts of things in larger groups but I would encourage your ds to a) keep away from the older child and b) to come straight to you if there's a problem in future.

I also suspect that if this family have always had a bit of an odd parenting style , with children who are somewhat unpleasant, there's also a "vibe" that may be subtle, but that nonetheless exists. this can be tricky. It's also entirely likely they give the rest of you so much "advice" because they're aware that you judge their parenting and children (rightly or wrongly).

I would say that a 13 and 16 year old definitely should need less supervision and in that they're right. But it's also normal and appropriate for younger children who then feel bullied etc, to be able to come to the adults and say what has happened.

If you tell them what their child did to yours the not inviting them in the future might sort itself out- they sound like the type of parents who would insist their child would never do that so would probably rattle them. They sound like smug dicks anyway. I 2 teenagers and a baby and many of mine and my husband’s friends have kids in between those age groups. I/we would never dream of dishing out parenting advice to others unless it was specifically asked for. So arrogant.

Your poor boy btw, dealing with that by himself until he told you.

Thank you. Yes, they sort of see themselves as the "capable grown ups" of the group: they married before us and had their kids first. In our twenties, they were the "mature" ones and they would dole out advice. Now we are all in our forties, married with kids and careers and we neither ask for nor want advice. However, they cannot break what is the habit of a lifetime. I appreciate that this post makes them sound rather monstrous but they are just ordinary people with perhaps an inflated view of their own capabilities and parenting abilities. Whereas perhaps I am more self-critical so can appear that I am less capable than I am.

I try not to judge their parenting. I am aware I am not perfect and we are all learning as we go along. It's only when their parenting impacts my parenting that there is the scope for clashing: because I try to avoid my children being in situations where they hear swearing (or worse, are sworn at). We don't condone hitting (whereas they seem to allow their teens to hit each other and, apparently, my kid).

I have seen the earlier comments about not forcing all the kids together and perhaps trying to organise more adult-only get togethers. I think this may become more feasible as the children get older.

I agree that, generally speaking, teens should not need close monitoring. However, I think in this case they do need monitoring around the other children and this is what I will try to put into place in the event there is a future meet up.

In your situation I would be contacting the parents and informing in no uncertain terms how unacceptable their teenager's behaviour was, and how much it has upset your child.
Then I would not ever be subjecting him to be in their presence again.And wouldn't see them myself again either.
Would you be seeing the boys mum again if SHE had hit YOU around the face?!

Sounds like this teen and his brother have had bad lazy uninvolved and uncaring parenting and are taking this trauma out on vulnerable kids through bullying them.It's completely unacceptable for a 15yo to lash out like that towards a younger child, especially one who isn't a sibling!
I'm wondering if he has possibly learnt that sort of behaviour from his parent/s either witnessing DV or having had it done to him.But at his age he should be taking responsibility for his actions.

Your post seems very much like you are putting worrying too much about what others think and keeping up appearances above the welfare of your son OP....
You need to put him first and stand up to those who have done wrong to teach him that it's not okay to let others treat him that way!

The slapping is not on and it's good your son brought it up... Even if after the fact as he could have bottled it up completely.. especially as this is such a long standing group..... You sound a bit smug on your view of their parenting...but wait til you have teens....
Re the trip next year I too would wait.. maybe take a year out.. camping is much more open but the teens in our group made their own mini camp beside ours from about 13 in their own tents ..
The age/maturity issues with teens and kids is tricky to manage we had a couple of years with different groupings as those with the younger age didn't want them around the language/conversation ot teens.... Now ours are all older its much easier but we had a particularly difficult year with 1 kid still at primary and some gcse age

Maybe they'll take a year out aa their teens may not want to go .

although I can't believe you think you're children are not hearing swearing daily at school ..well maybe not the 7yr old but by end of primary here .

I am in no means intending to be smug- my experience of parenting to date is that it only gets harder. Even more so when other people's parenting is brought in (and I dared to ask for opinions on MN....that is asking for trouble!)

I know my kids have heard swear words. I am not naive. But I am saying that, in a group setting with mixed ages, it would be good for parents to not let their teens swear (when they know the other families have younger children). If you are deemed mature enough to swear then you should also be mature enough to rein it in at the appropriate time. When I say they swore, I mean it was every other word- it wasn't used to express emotion, it was just that swear words were liberally sprinkled throughout every other sentence. I think it was performative swearing from both the teens and their parents; for the teens it was showing everyone that they were allowed to say whatever they wished and for the parents it was showing everyone how cool and relaxed they are. And if that makes me smug and judgemental, then so be it!