To think friend is being unreasonable?

Roxietrees · 2025-05-05T22:11:36+00:00

A friend of mine has been separated from her husband & father of her kids for 2 yrs. Kids are 3 & 5. They did ivf in order to conceive both times as her ex was infertile so they ended up having to use donor sperm. I think they always planned to be open about it with the kids but haven’t yet as they’re still v. young. Donor was anonymous (to friend & ex). They’ve shared custody pretty evenly for the last 2 years but the other day my friend says she’s sick of her ex causing problems and being difficult and wants to try and get full custody of the kids - her reasoning is they’re not biologically his anyway so they belong with their biological parent. They’re both on the birth certificate. AIBU to think this is pretty unreasonable of her and cruel to her ex? Pretty sure he sees himself as their father and he’s been there for them since the day they were born. He’s a good dad as far as I know, although he does make life difficult for my friend..but that shouldn’t be a reason to try and take his kids away should it?

Zezet · 05/05/2025 23:13

Of course she's unreasonable. That's horrid.

Walkerzoo · 05/05/2025 23:17

Unless you know the full story you shouldn't judge

But in family court. It has been proven that his rights get changed if challenged in this situation.

Original poster

Roxietrees · 05/05/2025 23:42

Walkerzoo · 05/05/2025 23:17

Unless you know the full story you shouldn't judge

But in family court. It has been proven that his rights get changed if challenged in this situation.

Trying not to judge but I do know the full story, I’ve known this woman since I was 8. I also don’t want her to get her hopes up because I very much doubt a court is going to give her custody on this basis alone. What do you mean by “his rights get changed if challenged in this situation”?

OP posts:

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/05/2025 23:49

I guess a lot depends on what he is doing to make life difficult for her.

Vaxtable · 05/05/2025 23:52

He is on the birth certificate so surely he will have rights? And the kids look at him as their father

I do hope if she goes down this route she is prepared for a long hard fight, and of course if she wins because he is not their father then she can’t expect maintenance either

Original poster

Roxietrees · 05/05/2025 23:59

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/05/2025 23:49

I guess a lot depends on what he is doing to make life difficult for her.

He’s always texting her, my friend says he’s always suggesting days out etc with the kids, like he thinks they’re still a family, she says he sometimes has a go at her when be picks dcs up, they’re always arguing. I think he’s been good when it comes to having the kids though. I don’t know, she seems convinced she can just walk into court, say he’s not their real father and the kids will just be given to her. I’ve tried to tell her he is named as father on the birth certificate so he’ll be treated as their real father (as far as I know anyway) but she doesn’t listen. Think she’s in for a shock

OP posts:

Blackcountrychik83 · 06/05/2025 00:03

That’s pretty cruel isn’t it . So she’s ok to let him support them and pay for them and be their “dad” when things are going good for her but when it’s not “oh you’re not their Dad now” cruel !

whynotwhatknot · 06/05/2025 00:05

is there any sort of precedent with this in court

i cant imagine using a sperm donor and then losing all your rights automatically when they both agreed to it

Whybother618 · 06/05/2025 00:05

She sounds like an awful person.

SalfordQuays · 06/05/2025 00:38

He is legally their father so your friend won’t get anywhere unless there are safeguarding reasons for contact to be withdrawn.

vivainsomnia · 06/05/2025 06:25

If the IVF with sperm donor was done in a registered limit clinic, her ex will be recognised as the father with the exact same rights as her.

She is a nasty cow for even considering it bit it sounds like the judge would bring her back to reality quickly thankfully.

Lurkingandlearning · 06/05/2025 07:57

That really is a shitty thing to do. @Vaxtable makes a very good point. Is your friend intending to give up all financial support from him?

But he seems to want to be an involved father so he would probably continue to support his child anyway

Original poster

Roxietrees · 06/05/2025 11:37

She says she’s not interested in money from him and can get by without it (she earns a fair bit) so she’d happily give up maintenance. I think she just wants dc more than 50/50 and to not co-parent with him but can’t prove he’s unfit so this is the only thing she’s got. I can see how it may be a factor combined with many, many other issues, but on its own I really don’t see how a judge would take it seriously (unless they were super old-fashioned maybe)

OP posts:

KimberleyClark · 06/05/2025 11:57

So they separated a year after having their second IVF child? How strong was their marriage to start with?

However your friend is being unreasonable and horrible. If her ex didn’t want any custody of the children on account of them not being biologically his, he would be being called all sorts of names on here. And rightly so.

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 06/05/2025 12:03

I suspect she’s got absolutely no chance but will probably have to learn that the hard way. He will have exactly the same rights as she does.

Spidey66 · 06/05/2025 12:06

She sounds insanely cruel. The kids may not be biologically his but he's their dad!

And if I was in his shoes, it would almost be like she was rubbing his nose into his fertility issues.

CopperWhite · 06/05/2025 12:13

Selfish bitch! She wants to deny her children their father because it’s too much effort for her to get along with him?

Add shit like this to the reasons why IVF should be banned.

PsychoHotSauce · 06/05/2025 12:20

vivainsomnia · 06/05/2025 06:25

If the IVF with sperm donor was done in a registered limit clinic, her ex will be recognised as the father with the exact same rights as her.

She is a nasty cow for even considering it bit it sounds like the judge would bring her back to reality quickly thankfully.

Seems that way, thankfully. As long as it can be shown he 'opted in' to fatherhood then legally, he's the father. This cuts both ways in law. So say he split with her and tried to wriggle out of paying maintenance because it's 'not his kid', nope, wouldn't work.

She's got no custody case from this angle, but imo don't tell her that. If she's this fucking devious I'd expect her to find another way (allegations of abuse etc). Personally I'd rather watch her waste her money on legal advice by keeping the idea 'alive' in her head, solicitor after solicitor for endless 'second opinions'.

Spiteful cow.

Maddy70 · 06/05/2025 12:45

Shes being horrific

Original poster

Roxietrees · 06/05/2025 12:58

KimberleyClark · 06/05/2025 11:57

So they separated a year after having their second IVF child? How strong was their marriage to start with?

However your friend is being unreasonable and horrible. If her ex didn’t want any custody of the children on account of them not being biologically his, he would be being called all sorts of names on here. And rightly so.

Think it was the ivf process that split them up in the end tbh, they were together a long time before kids.

She says she already has a solicitor (or has spoken with one) would a solicitor really take her case if they thought she didn’t have a chance? Totally playing devils advocate here. I don’t agree with what she’s doing but I do care about her and don’t want her to waste a shit ton of money if it’s going to go nowhere..she can be a bit naive

OP posts:

TerrifiedPassenger · 06/05/2025 13:01

Whatever their DNA shows, they are children of the marriage and I would be appalled if any court in England would revoke his parental rights. He was perhaps more invested than some fathers to have gone through IVF to concieve, it's unimaginable what she is thinking of doing. Awful awful woman.

PsychoHotSauce · 06/05/2025 13:06

Roxietrees · 06/05/2025 12:58

Think it was the ivf process that split them up in the end tbh, they were together a long time before kids.

She says she already has a solicitor (or has spoken with one) would a solicitor really take her case if they thought she didn’t have a chance? Totally playing devils advocate here. I don’t agree with what she’s doing but I do care about her and don’t want her to waste a shit ton of money if it’s going to go nowhere..she can be a bit naive

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It depends what info she's disclosed to the solicitor. If she's left out crucial info then the solicitor won't have given accurate advice.

They're not supposed to take on clients who don't have a 'properly arguable' case, but the reality is clients aren't always transparent and honest with them!

From the info in your posts, he is the child's legal father according to the HFEA 2008, and judges clock these kind of 'well he's not even the dad' arguments a mile off and treat them as hostile. Potentially she could be sanctioned or even lose custody herself, that's how serious it is.

Custody cases are judged on the welfare of the child, and this would be alienating behaviour and harmful to the child's welfare.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 06/05/2025 13:32

Roxietrees · 05/05/2025 23:59

He’s always texting her, my friend says he’s always suggesting days out etc with the kids, like he thinks they’re still a family, she says he sometimes has a go at her when be picks dcs up, they’re always arguing. I think he’s been good when it comes to having the kids though. I don’t know, she seems convinced she can just walk into court, say he’s not their real father and the kids will just be given to her. I’ve tried to tell her he is named as father on the birth certificate so he’ll be treated as their real father (as far as I know anyway) but she doesn’t listen. Think she’s in for a shock

Show quote history

This sounds like a very one sided view. I assume it is her who has ended their relationship?

Ultimately they are still a family, she will be tied to him for the rest of her life because whether she likes it or not they share children and no court in the land will revoke his parental rights just because she's having a hissy fit.

It is in the kids best interests that they get along and can still attend family events in an amicable way.

If she carries on in such an extreme manner she could find that the courts decide she is guilty of parental alienation and she could stand to lose residential custody of her kids

Walkerzoo · 07/05/2025 07:16

She does have a case. The children were conceived by donor sperm so not biologically his.

But you should stay out of it. Why on earth are you so involved?!

Walkerzoo · 07/05/2025 07:29

Family courts give paedophiles access to children. If a mother raises sex abuse concerns she can loose the children. Family law does not follow what is right for the children.

They assume biological should have contact. He is not biological.

There is precedence on this case in family law.

The man is helping so much as he knows this. But the OP does not know the details so needs to stay out