I have always had a difficult relationship with my.mum and have been very close to my lovely dad. They have been married for 55 years, but I wouldn't say it is a happy marriage. I think my mum had an affair for a long time with a work colleague, but have no proof. I remember a HUGE argument between my parents when I was about 6 (I guessed it was about the affair), and from then things were very different. They slept in separate rooms and things were always quite hostile. My Granny was a stalwart of the church, golf club and community - where no-one ever got divorced, so I think this is why my parents stayed together. Simply because it was the done thing. My mum whitewashes everything and never talks to anyone about feelings, problems, etc. From the outside, she wants us to appear like the perfect family. All of her friendship are superficial.
I am now 47 and my mum.has NEVER once said she loved me. She struggles to hug me and is really mean to.me. She barely features at all in any of my childhood memories- unless it's something we were doing with other people (relatives, family friends).when she put on a front, but I don't recall any one-on-one things, whilst I remember lots of days out with my dad. I remember him reading me stories, him helping.me to tell the time, him helping with my homework, etc. I wrote to my mum when she retired and suggested maybe we could spend more time together doing normal daughter/mother things and she called me and went MAD and screamed at me and said I had really upset her.
To everyone else, it seems that my mum is very proud of me and always talks about me favourably, but to my face she is absolutely vile to me one on one and has hardly ever said anything remotely nice.
I feel like I am constantly trying to.please her, but nothing I do or say is ever good enough. She is always fat shaming me and says really hurtful things. Usually I am too taken aback, but If I do call her out she just sorts of shrugs and won't engage. I'm finding it exhausting and deeply upsetting.
I live about an hour and 20 minutes away. I call my parents almost every day and speak to them both at the same time on different phone extensions. As she is so horrible to me, I have cut down my in-person visits, but this means I see less of my lovely dad, which makes me very sad. My mum was diagnosed with blood cancer during Covid. She feels awful all the time and is very miserable, and I have sympathy for that, but she still continues her toxic behaviour. I thought maybe she would stop, but the vicious remarks continue. It's like mental cruelty.
Today, I took my son (13) to visit her. She loves him and is much softer with him. She was absolutely awful to me. Couldn't understand why we'd driven all that way on a bank holiday. Thought it was a stupid idea. Said I need to go on a diet. Barely spoke to me - unless about herself/her life. Seemed very kern for us to leave. Meanwhile, my dad was over the moon to see us both and beaming from ear to ear.
My dad feels a real sense of duty to be with my mum, as she is poorly, so I don't think he would come and visit me on his own, as he wouldn't leave her, but I just don't think I can keep going to see her, as it's so upsetting. He tells me to ignore her, but it's so hard and so tiring. I feel like I'm never good enough, even though I have achieved quite a lot in my life (far more than my mum ever has) and have good friends and am fairly popular. I have a nice house, good job, a husband and son, and have recently completed a Master's qualification.
I am sorry this post is so.long, but the penny is just starting to drop that this behaviour isnt normal and might be a sign of toxicity and narcissism. I think she has always been jealous of me being so close to my dad (she says thislngs like " Well, Dad was pleased to see his little girl" (implying that she wasn't!) with so much anger). She had a very submissive relationship with her mum, my granny. It was a very stiff upper lip, no emotions set up. There was no love shown there either, so maybe this is just history repeating itself, but I am feeling very broken. My son even asked today: " Why is Granny so mean to you?", and I think that is what has got to me. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Thank you for reading. I just feel a bit lost and sad.