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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by DM telling me what to wear

10 replies

QueenGiraffe · 05/05/2025 19:12

My DM has history of being a little controlling and overstepping boundaries. Often it’s clumsy, over involved comments rather than intentionally unkind. I’m late 30s. She is mid 50s. Her own parents were extremely critical of everyone and everything. As she is getting older and I am more aware (had therapy recently), I am unable to ignore some of her comments. We have nice moments together and she is desperate for a close relationship. I am cautious and try to manage things to avoid past pain being triggered.

Today I mentioned I am meeting someone senior in my industry tomorrow. She immediately started telling me what to wear to impress them. I felt 5 years old again and as if I cannot be trusted to dress smartly. I’m into fashion and dress very normally for work.

I’m finding it hard to shake off the comment. A friend says her mum says stuff like this all the time or that her outfit isn’t nice etc. she said it’s normal mum/daughter stuff and if they can’t tell you, no one will.

OP posts:
ChinneyTits · 05/05/2025 19:15

My mum can be a bit like this. It’s always ‘advice’ but she doesn’t get when it’s not welcome. But it’s her way of showing love, she ain’t affectionate naturally so she shows love with practical help and suggestions, so I have to ignore any time I want to scream ‘LEAVE ME ALONE!’.

Try not to let it bother you. In instances like this just say ‘I’ll think about that, thanks’ and then do whatever you want to do. X

BeeCucumber · 05/05/2025 19:26

Just smile and nod and ignore her suggestions.

Aligirlbear · 05/05/2025 21:23

Don’t waste headspace on it. Just smile and ignore.

FairKoala · 14/07/2025 19:11

I am exactly the same with my own dd. It is a mum thing

However dd agrees that her taste in clothes and what goes together got lost on her somewhere around the age of 12. So she does actually ask me what she should wear to things

JaneHamChap · 11/10/2025 04:34

I can completely relate.

Whether she’s your mum or not if you don’t feel good about yourself around her, spend less time with her & more alone, being kind you to yourself or around other warm people who uplift you.

Platypusdiver · 11/10/2025 06:42

Personally this type of comment wouldn't bother me. But I appreciate having a mother whose little comments can eating away at you because of history. My mum winds me up when she feels the need to tell me how to boil an egg properly.

No advice, just sympathy. You have 3 options: 1) ignore and carry on - makes you feel like shit, but easiest, 2) firm boundaries and put her down as soon she starts - most effective, but hardest (otherwise the situation wouldn't be happening), 3) reduce contact - sad.

It's just not nice having a mother who can't or won't consider the feelings of others. (And in my case, seems to enjoy having someone they can be foul to.)

nomas · 11/10/2025 07:34

I would either answer back every time (‘I’m 38, I know how to dress!’) or just not tell her things,

suki1964 · 11/10/2025 07:43

Im in my 60's and mum in her 80's still does this

I apparently dont even know how to hang clothes out to dry correctly

As I age myself I find I cant keep quiet anymore so I either dont include her - that's the norm - or say Yes Mother, I do know and walk away pretty smartish

rolloverbeethoven · 11/10/2025 07:54

Tinkly laugh and a comment of "oh you sweet old fashioned thing!" might stop it!

Rosebold · 11/10/2025 08:03

When my mum or anyone is like this I usually just nod, smile and ignore. The truth is your mum probably isn't going to stop and she isn't being malicious, to her you are still her little girl. The conflict isn't usually worth the aggravation and I think when they see you do your own thing anyway they will eventually back off. Bend like a reed in the wind or something. This approach works for my laid back personality but my sister who is more highly strung than men finds it hard, tends to take issue and then gives herself a lot more stress and drama.

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