AIBU to feel really undervalued by my friends

[Risingsun93]

I am due to have a baby in a few weeks, it took 2 years of fertility issues and a miscarriage to get here. One of our friends had a baby over a year ago and we threw a shower for her, it was our friends idea at the time and it was a lovely, thoughtful event. I know it's not right to expect one but I just feel really hurt that no one offered for me, and for some reason I'm feeling really sad and invisible. I spent the last few months organising a hen do for another friend in the group and that took a lot of timr and energy amongst work and life, I felt I couldn't put effort into throwing my own shower and now suddenly I'm due soon and feeling a bit flat about it all. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

Aw, I felt sad reading your post. How are they in general? Have you ever felt like this before with them?

I had some miscarriages and I know colleagues were reluctant to throw me a baby shower as they didn't know how I'd feel about it due to past experiences. Could it be something like that?

It's not fair for you to miss out on a fuss at this amazing time. If you still want to, could you get them round at the same time to meet the baby and suggest everyone brings a plate of something and have a little do?

Or even better, I'm keeping my fingers crossed they've done a surprise for you.

I think a lot of people organise their own, or certainly raise it with a friend and say they would like to do something. The ones I have been to have been chosen by the mum to be and they invited the people they wanted (one had a meal, another afternoon tea) but a friend has then planned activities.
It's not too late to do something if you just want a nice get together. Send out a date and see who's free.

The friend who you organised the hen party for should have really stepped up here and organised something for you. I am like other poster and hoping they have organised a surprise one

I admittedly raised it a little while ago, with a couple of my closest friends on separate occasions, more in the tone of "I'm thinking of having a shower, I'm hoping to be able to do something small before the baby is due at a time that suits everyone" but also raised some concerns around finding time to plan, finding a date where we could all get together etc. A little while ago, a friend posted on the Hen group chat "while were at it, we should do you a baby shower", I replied with "It would be lovely to celebrate but I haven't planned anything" this was thrown in amongst messages actually coordinating for the Hen, I also felt like it was the wrong platform as there were people in the group that are close to the bride but not in our immediate friends group, we have a WhatsApp for where the bride herself and my other close friends are in. On top of that, it kind of felt like it was putting the responsibility on me as I was also organising the Hen, even though it was considered a group activity, I did everything right down to the last hurdle.

Your brave mentioning baby showers on here! The vipers will be here soon saying everybody hates baby showers, you’ll be called ‘grabby’ and the rest of it 😂

It’s a shame your friends haven’t thrown you one- but have you hinted/asked for one? Me and my sister organised mine, my second was a surprise but mostly due to some difficult life events and she felt I needed cheering up. Everybody has such mixed opinions about showers, maybe they just didn’t realise you wanted one?

It’s not too late if you’ve got the energy?

None of my friends have organised baby showers for each other not goody question but why did you all throw one for that one friend? I expect baby showers to ve organised by mum to be/her mum/sisters etc? Start organising what you want!!

If I’m really honest @Risingsun93 your response was very lukewarm, I would have assumed you weren’t really that bothered TBH. IMHO, other than my (very small) surprise shower in extenuating circumstances, the mum to be has planned (if not been very heavily involved) the baby shower.

Yes your right! It was a hectic time trying to pull together then Hen I didn't think much about the response. Again it was an awkward platform since there were people in the group we've never met in person and that group chat was for the bride. Had it been said in the other chat or directly I would have felt less awkward for sure. So maybe it's my own fault. Never mind, win some and lose some I suppose

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

YANBU. Take a step back and don’t be so helpful in future. See if they make a fuss of you and your baby when it’s here. Don’t go out of your way to accommodate them. Maybe they got used to you as the one without kids and liked it that way. Sadly, it does happen.

I would go this way also, just stand back a bit more and see how they treat or acknowledge you once the baby is here

I host the occasional baby shower at my shop and they're generally organised by the mum to be, I have been to a surprise one that was organised by friends, but considering how many people I know who have babies I've only actually been to 2!

Organise something, ask a friend to help, doesn't have to be anything huge but once your friends know you're organising I bet they offer to help!

How many are in your group of friends? How about trying to organise a small afternoon gathering to catch up with your friends before birth. You could even write, ‘it’s been a hectic time so you’ve opted for a low key baby shower afternoon’ I’m sure (assuming this is all a misunderstanding and you normally have a good relationship) they’ll jump at the chance to celebrate with you.

Don’t let it hang over you- act on it. I love catching up with my friends just before baby arrival, especially if it means I’m unlikely to see them for a while.

I really wouldn’t do this if the relationship is generally good. You’re just about to embark on a beautiful new chapter of your life, having friends is so important. There are so many threads on here with mums that have drifted from their friends and struggle to make new ones. It would be daft to do it over organisation of a baby shower.

Good friendships are literally gold dust, don’t throw them away.

Do what? I didn’t suggest she do anything to them?

She is going to have a baby, it’s natural
to take a step back and concentrate on her baby.

You need new friends. Congratulations.

I definitely don't plan on throwing my friends away.

I think i would love to do something so I'm going to pick myself back and up and try to get something organised, a lunch or something. Fingers crossed people are available given its last minute!

I wonder if a surprise is planned!

I think from your messages I’d assume you aren’t bothered or are still thinking about it.

why not invite a few people around and I bet they suddenly offer to bring cake or bring a gift. They prob just didn’t know what you wanted

Set up a WhatsApp group, say you are booking afternoon tea at X venue and get a date sorted via a WhatsApp poll. Book it with whoever can make it, even if it's only 2-3 people.

Make it very clear when you do this that you have had a difficult time getting pregnant (if you feel able) and that you'd really LOVE to celebrate with your best friends and have a good catch up before the chaos starts. I'm sure they will want to come.

I love this! People are so quick to advise you to take steps back etc, don’t be accommodating etc without knowing the full story! I’ve had the same best friends for 30 years, not all flowers and roses, but honesty and understanding has made solid and invaluable friendships.

I really hope your friends are available and you have a lovely afternoon celebrating your new baby and good solid friendships!

Good luck with everything!

Just to add you could always do a welcome baby afternoon if a baby shower doesn’t fit in with peoples plans- I’ve attended one of these too! Lovely afternoon and saves everybody coming to your house 😂

I think at the very least you need to tell people you want one, and give them a suitable date. I wouldn’t want to presume and just start organising something for a friend who had had lots of issues getting pregnant

Yes do this if people can’t do last minute, plus you’ll have a baby to coo over which will make it more interesting
i think it’s rare that other people organise them