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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so frustrated by this

27 replies

CuriouslyMinded · 05/05/2025 10:05

I can't drive - I was finally able to afford lessons and was doing okay, then the pandemic struck, the lessons stopped, and my DH and I had our daughter. Now childcare means I am back to being unable to afford lessons again and of course time is more hard to come by than ever.
My DH can drive and we have a car, but of course it is really his car and you know, for the most part it is fine but I have to ask to go anywhere that requires a car, and if he doesn't want to, that is kind of that.
I really wanted to take our daughter to the zoo today but it is a 3 hour journey by public transport Vs 45 mins in the car. He didn't feel like driving, so that was that.
I wanted to pop to B&Q to get some bits to finish decorating the hallway which I've been doing when our DD goes to bed. He was messing about on his phone, then he wanted a shower, then he thought he might just have lunch.
I feel like a child - always having to ask nicely and then wait and see what the answer is. I hate it so much. He doesn't really see the problem and says we don't need to worry about having another driver in the house.
Would it be unreasonable to put an intensive course on my credit card and just get it done? I pay my own bills so it wouldn't impact him financially initially but I would need to get on the insurance or run my own car and that would add to our expenses. I think we could stretch to it but am I unreasonable for thinking we just need to find a way to make it work so that I can have the same freedom my DH has?

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 05/05/2025 10:08

I was going to suggest your husband could help teach you to reduce the amount spent on lessons but tbh he sounds like a dick!

tryingtobesogood · 05/05/2025 10:11

Get it done. I learned after kids and I am not exaggerating when I say it changed my life. It gave me such freedom, I didn’t have to depend on others for lifts anymore. It was and still is great.

go for it, don’t wait.

londongirl12 · 05/05/2025 10:15

Yes definitely get the lessons. The freedom you’ll have will be totally worth it. Maybe have a few normal lessons first to see how you get on, you might not need an intensive course. Is your provisional license still valid?

AlertCat · 05/05/2025 10:16

It sounds as if he enjoys having that power over you. I feel uneasy reading your description of the way things are.

CoastalCalm · 05/05/2025 10:18

I also feel like he is enjoying you being reliant on him - it feels like a form of abuse.

Get the course booked

HollidaySunshine · 05/05/2025 10:20

He doesn’t sound nice. Do it asap

ScrewedByFunding · 05/05/2025 10:24

This is one of the reasons I've encouraged all my children to learn as soon as they turn 17, it's life changing and a skill that once done, is forever useful even if you don't need it immediately. Absolutely do it now!

Eenameenadeeka · 05/05/2025 10:25

Do it! If he said it wasn't necessary to both drive, and was willing to actually drive you... It might not be so necessary. But since it's up to him whether you go places or not, I think you (and your child) will really benefit from the freedom.

Brefugee · 05/05/2025 10:25

Get the lessons. Definitely.
My mum only learned to drive when we clubbed together and got her lessons for Christmas. And it completely changed her life, she regretted waiting until her 50s.
(and my dad loved it because if they went to a country pub, she could take turns at being designated driver)

ETA: i am adding this because i am incredibly petty and like to drive a point home. I would not be acquescing to DHs requests to drive for at least 2 years after getting my licence. but i am really really really incredibly petty. YMMV

TheChosenTwo · 05/05/2025 10:42

ScrewedByFunding · 05/05/2025 10:24

This is one of the reasons I've encouraged all my children to learn as soon as they turn 17, it's life changing and a skill that once done, is forever useful even if you don't need it immediately. Absolutely do it now!

We did the same, I didn’t take my test until I was 26 and pregnant with my 3rd dc. I wanted my kids to have a license as soon as eligible for one so we prioritised lessons, tests and cars for them when they turned 17.
The opportunities and freedom have been amazing for them.

Op, get it booked asap, he doesn’t sound great.

Picklepoppypolly · 05/05/2025 10:46

Absolutely get lessons, you are investing in yourself. Freedom and independence are important.

PawsAndTails · 05/05/2025 10:51

When my DD was a baby, DH had her for the one hour the driving test took and was supportive. Your DH should be the same. It also made his life easier not having to drive me places. You should do it however you can. It's worth the investment in yourself, your time and your freedom. As your child(ren) gets older too, it is much easier to be able to drive them.

LadyKenya · 05/05/2025 10:59

Your Husband is being rather shortsighted, for example what if he was to break his arm, and could not drive, it would be helpful to him, for you to be able to drive him to where he needed to go. As your child gets older, being able to drive will be a Godsend. It is in his interest to support you in this, one would have thought.

Original poster
CuriouslyMinded · 05/05/2025 11:00

Thank you everyone. It does sound awful when I read it back. I don't know if he likes the control so much as he just doesn't see how unbalanced it is, though maybe that is giving him too much credit!
DD is having a nap and I am going to get online and book some lessons and as several posters have said: Just get it done! ❤️

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/05/2025 11:03

AlertCat · 05/05/2025 10:16

It sounds as if he enjoys having that power over you. I feel uneasy reading your description of the way things are.

I agree. Cut his power off at the knees. Learn to drive.

thedeadneverdie · 05/05/2025 11:06

Don’t hand over thousands all at once for an intensive course. Find a local driving instructor who can do an intensive course and pay as you go.

If your order will help practice with him in his car it saves a lot of money.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/05/2025 11:07

Driving is essential. I'm having this argument with my son who doesn't want to drive. Stick it on your card.

Redrosesposies · 05/05/2025 11:19

We used to have a long driveway and because I always got home first DH used to park behind me, effectively blocking me in so he had to move his car if I wanted to go anywhere. He just didn't see how irritating and infantilising this was that I had to ask his permission every time I wanted to go out. If I said I would move It or take it, he would get all huffy about his penis extension. (Probably justified, it was a massive sports car that I couldn't see out of, being a short arse)
It got to the point that I felt like I was locked in so I paid to have the drive widened so we could park side by side.
Game changer.
Get those lessons booked @CuriouslyMinded and get your own car.

Original poster
CuriouslyMinded · 05/05/2025 11:55

Thank you to everyone for being so encouraging! I've booked my theory test for 4th June and I've bought a 30 day subscription to the DVLA practice kit.

My DH won't want me to practice in his car and I don't mind that, it is a huge old BMW and I wouldn't feel confident in it anyway.

I will book some evening lessons so I can go out when DD goes to bed - zero inconvenience to DH and I won't have to worry and if I'm happy and confident (and pass my theory!) I might book the intensive for my week off at the end of July if there is availability.

Sometimes it amazes me how we can all drift along with things and then one instance just snaps us out of it. If we'd all gone to the zoo I'd be no further on than I was yesterday, but as it stands I now feel confident and eager to get going!

Thank you all ❤️

OP posts:
AlertCat · 05/05/2025 12:01

Good luck @CuriouslyMinded !

SharpLily · 05/05/2025 12:03

Have you told your husband how it makes you feel to have to ask him for lifts all the time? Have you also told him about booking the test/lessons and what's his reaction? I'm curious about the dynamic in your household.

Original poster
CuriouslyMinded · 05/05/2025 12:10

SharpLily · 05/05/2025 12:03

Have you told your husband how it makes you feel to have to ask him for lifts all the time? Have you also told him about booking the test/lessons and what's his reaction? I'm curious about the dynamic in your household.

I have and he makes the right sympathetic noises, but he doesn't encourage me to change things or offer to help with resources for lessons etc. He says I don't need to worry about not driving, that he doesn't mind doing it, and I believe him, but I think he has been driving for so long he probably can't comprehend what it is like for someone who can't.
The closest experience he has is probably asking if he can eat the chocolate bar in the cupboard but if it is something our DD has chosen and is saving for later, I have to say no.
(I'm being daft but I genuinely can't think of an equivalent or anything else in our home where there is that kind of power imbalance, but I am The Keeper of The Treats 🤣)
I'm sure if I tell him I have the test and lessons booked he'll be pleased for me, he isn't a monster. Just a bit blinkered, perhaps?

OP posts:
Bestfadeplans · 05/05/2025 12:23

Do you know anyone else who can put you on their insurance? My dad taught me for 2 years and I had my toddler in the back.

WorriedOnion · 05/05/2025 12:40

He doesn't really see the problem and says we don't need to worry about having another driver in the house.

... because he then gets to make all the decisions ...

He says I don't need to worry about not driving, that he doesn't mind doing it

... like today, he minded today, he didn't feel like driving, so you're not going to the zoo and can't even get on with the decorating while you're at home.

They can be very believable, hopefully there isn't a problem, but please be aware Flowers

Well done with the steps you've taken to move forward with your driving, good luck to you.

londongirl12 · 05/05/2025 13:38

CuriouslyMinded · 05/05/2025 11:55

Thank you to everyone for being so encouraging! I've booked my theory test for 4th June and I've bought a 30 day subscription to the DVLA practice kit.

My DH won't want me to practice in his car and I don't mind that, it is a huge old BMW and I wouldn't feel confident in it anyway.

I will book some evening lessons so I can go out when DD goes to bed - zero inconvenience to DH and I won't have to worry and if I'm happy and confident (and pass my theory!) I might book the intensive for my week off at the end of July if there is availability.

Sometimes it amazes me how we can all drift along with things and then one instance just snaps us out of it. If we'd all gone to the zoo I'd be no further on than I was yesterday, but as it stands I now feel confident and eager to get going!

Thank you all ❤️

Well done!! You’ll feel great when it’s done. Hope all goes well.

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